Does he/we need professional help?

[newfashionedmum]

I have posted about DP before under this and a previous name. The last couple of weeks have been really difficult and I want to know what people think of our situation and whether DP is actually ill or do we just need a bit of couples therapy (I think something is definately needed).

In brief he had a misogynistic (philandering abusive charmer) father who was physically threatening and violent, and has had some huge issues to deal with in his adult life too, before we got together. We have had a rocky few years and both try really hard to make things work, I think because we had known each other a long time as friends before our relationship began.

To keep it simple I'll focus on his three main problem areas though i know it takes two to tango and my behaviours contribute to what's going on. For eg we very rarely have sex due to a combination of factors on my part, and also I am quite sensitive and conflict avoidant.

1. He has always since childhood struggled with too much company and/or too little stimulation/information input. I guess there is a mixture of nature and nurture in this as our DD also has an almost compulsive urge to read constantly when not otherwise engaged. He deals with this by escaping to computer games and keeping antisocial hours when possible (ie to bed at 4 or 5 am and up at lunchtime) to 'get away' and by falling asleep when he's not active. He once stayed up late deliberately because he had a boring day at work the next day and thought it would help him be less frustrated if he was 'slowed down' by tiredness.

2. He binge drinks alone when he stays up late - once or twice a week. Not usually massively excessive (between 1 or 2 bottles of wine) but on occasion interfering with 'real life' eg doing it on a work night and either being hungover or having to phone in sick. This has (only) happened two or three times in the last 6-12 months.

3. He sometimes becomes very irritable - he tries really hard to suppress this because it really upsets me but I don't think this really works and it boils over. On a couple of occasions has been explosively angry, a couple of times throwing something at or punching the wall.

The last few weeks all this has escalated and last night he was very drunk and we had a row which culminated in him throwing a full glass of water at the wall. It frightened and upset both of us, to the extent that he started packing his bags to leave 'is would be best for you and DD' he said - I talked him out of it.

Can anyone shed any light on this? I feel guilty exposing his private 'demons' on here but am really worried as to what he/we/I should do.

In answer to your post title - I think your DP definitely would benefit from some professional help from a clinical psychologist or psychotherapist.

Irritability, needing to be constantly distracted and excess drinking. Sounds like he is trying to escape from his thoughts. Get him to your GP but also consider private therapy as you can access that instantly. It's normally around £50. An hour. You can look for therapists in your area on the BACP website - and I would go for therapy nt just counselling.

Well done for sticking by and supporting your partner. You may benefit from some therapeutic support too, so even if your partner refuses it would help you.

Thanks lady for this I'm so glad to get a response! Can you explain the difference between therapy and counselling? He was seeing someone for a while earlier this year which he paid for this himself but we just can't afford it at the moment while i'm not working - i think being the only breadwinner might be exacerbating things.

It did help a bit but in some ways only skimmed the surface - he made some practical changes / decisions and got some insight to some of his behaviour but there is so much more going on - i agree i thing its attempt to escape - but also wonder if its even possibly chemical/physiological - would a therapist be able to recognise this do you think?

I had suggested the day before yesterday that maybe he speak to his GP - he was kind of in denial at that point that they could do anything to help but I think now after last night he realises... He said some things which scared me a bit but he does have a tendancy to overdramatise / doom scenario or sentimentalise when he's drunk. One of his rants last night was that i wasn't emotional and raw enough and how frustrating he found it, though i dread to think what we'd be like if we were both as emotional as he is..

sorry i think its an attempt to escape. He has said he has racing thoughts sometimes. He does have phases where he gets quite animated and agitated and talks at me very fast - quite subtle, i think only i would notice the change but i DO notice it at times. Hence my wondering whether it's chemical. maybe i do too much googling!

Counselling and therapy are related and people will often hold qualifications in both areas and the terms can be interchangeable.

I would just look for someone who has qualifications beyond the standard 'diploma in counselling' and has done some more advanced study, possiblly specialising in a relevant area to your partners needs.

I'm currently seeing someone who has done CBT training, counselling but is also qualified in psychodynamic therapy (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychodynamic_psychotherapy). There are many other 'flavours' in therapy but they will all involve a more I depth training in the theory and practice of psychotherapy than a simple counselling approach.

Absolute no slight is meant for standard counselling which is a great space to talk! But for something which looks fairly complex and long running like your DPs feelings and behaviour I'd look for someone who has several strings to their bow. The other thing to remember is to shop around, if you go to one and aren't keen just try someone else.

thanks wish us luck!