shame.

[bubbub]

i had councelling in may because i have issues with food. i eat when i dont want to, stuffing myself till i feel sick, then carrying on, saw councellor twice who said i had compulsive overeating disorder, linked to my abusive childhood. councelling was good. she told me i needed to be refered to a thereapit as i had had my quota of nhs councelling.
i saw my gp who agreed to refer, said it would take 3 months. 4 months later i find out he didnt refer me.
i havent been back.
since then i have struggled more than before the councelling. i have put on 4st in one year. but worst than that i have totally isolated myself, i dont go out, i cant look after myself, forget to brush my hair, ect. i am consumed with thoughts of my past, twisted memories till i get confused and question what happened and why.
i suffer from vivid horrible thoughts, ways my children might die, friends family, me, that i cannot stop.
i struggle to find the right thing to say in public as im scared it will be wrong and everyone will think im a twat.
i dont enjoy anything, i sit on the pc and struggle to do anything else. my children deserve better, they had better than this. i used to be full of life, had a sense of humour, people liked me, my kids had a great mum.
i feel so ashamed, i cant tell anyone, i told my best friend but i dont want to keep going on about it or he will get fed up with me, so i put on a happy face and no one knows how im feeling. in fact no one would suspect i feel like this as i do a good job of covering it up.
i want to go to the doctors, i was on citlopram for pnd 3 years ago for a few months and i need something to help clear the fog, but i dont want to tell anyone, i dont want to tell my hubby, he might think i am not happy with him, (im not really but thats another post) or that its his fault and i cant deal with feeling responsible for him being upset, so i want to get ad's and take them in secret but the secrecy is stressing me out and i havent even started yet. i secretly smoke, and thats stressful, my hubby hates smoking and got very angry when i told him i started again, we went on holiday and i couldnt smoke as we were always together, so he thinks i quit then but i carried on smoking when we got home (at work, hubby works evenings so i smoke when kids in bed outside) i have to hide all evidence, run upstairs, shower, spray perfume, after every cig just in case he finds out and that is really stressful. not sure how im going to cope with the secrecy of taking pills.
i just cannot face the conversation about it. the suprise. the hurt. and i feel ashamed.
i have this feeling that people will think bad of me if they knew, scornful, like i was a bit pathetic.

Hi Bubbub,

I'm afraid I'm not an expert at any of this so I'm not sure how useful my post will be but I wanted to say that I don't think you sound pathetic - I think you sound very brave. It's awful that your GP didn't refer you for therapy but please don't be put off by that; to me, your post sounds like someone who is strong and caring and deserves some help to get through what is clearly a very hard time.

Personally, I think the fact that you have worked out what's wrong and asked for help is hugely impressive given the mental fog that depression etc can create. I am worried that you feel your DH would not support you in taking ADs - it sounds like they have worked for you in the past and they could well help you now. FWIW, I took ADs a few years ago and was worried that my partner would think badly of me but, once I started taking them and began to feel better, I realised that my concerns were part of the illness; after a few weeks I was able to be much more open with him and he was great about it.

Do you think you are up to talking to a Dr about how you are feeling? I know you haven't had the best experience recently but if they know how bad things are then they might be more helpful. Is there another GP you could see?

There does seem to be quite a lot going in your life that is difficult to deal with at the moment and, to me, it sounds like getting some help might make things easier / clearer to deal with. I know I found that ADs made everything seem less overwhelming and I was better able to deal with things bit by bit rather than feeling that I was drowning in everything at once. I would really urge you to look after your own health at the moment and, if possible, not to let any concerns you think your DH might have put you off getting the support you need.

I am sure you will get through all of this - but please look after yourself and put your own wellbeing first. And keep posting as I'm sure you'll have lots of support here,

xxx

HiBubub - I can't really add much to Elsathelion's excellent post. There are so many things going on in your life, and I think you need to try to separate them out. You won't know what is impacting on what at the moment. Maybe you are comfort eating because you feel depressed or the other way round. It is so difficult to work out what is what when there are several things going on for you.

I agree with Elsa that the first port of call is the GP. I am no medic and I dislike people diagnosing on the internet. Having said that, I am wondering if you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder related to your abusive childhood, and as the counsellor has said, your eating disorder may well be related to this too. EAs as you probably know are not related to food, but to do with past experiences and are a form of mental illness as is PTSD.

You say "I am consumed with thoughts of my past, twisted memories and confused about what happened and why" and this really does sound like OCD, as do the vivid horrible thoughts" - you really do need help and support with this. There is a very good Mnetter on the MH threads who has suffered with PTSD related to her childhood (her nickname is Madmouse and I'm sure she won't mind you putting a call out for her. e.g. "Calling Madmouse" refer to your post and tell her I have suggested you two get in contact. She is very wise and straight forward and gives excellent advice about PTSD.

I am not clear from your post about the issues with your DH and you refer to the fact that that is "another post" - you may or may not need ADs but I really think you should be open about this, as if you have to take them in secret this is going to put more stress on you. It's bad enough with the secret smoking.

Mental illness makes us feel ashamed - a big trick it plays on us - we don't feel like this with a pshyical illness and yes it makes us feel pathetic, but we aren't realy - it's just a symptom of some kinds of mental illness. It's a big bugger but there we are.

You sound a little bit scared of your husband - is this the case and if so do you know why.

Think you have to deal with your issues one by one, but to GP first to tell him/her how you are feeling. You won't be telling him/her anything they haven't heard dozens/hundreds of times before. Do make sure you talk about your abusive childhood and this keeps coming back to you.Write down your symptoms in a list before you go, so you can hand it to the GP - this helps them to get a handle on what is the problem.

You desparately need counselling but the trouble is with the NHS what they can offer is very limited as you have found out. Is there any way that you can afford private counselling (abpout £50 an hour) dependent on where you live.
It may be worth asking your GP is you can be referred for more NHS counselling, mentioning of course that this didn't happen when it should have done.

I am seeing a clinical psychologist on the NHS so it is possible.

In the meantime keep posting and you will find lots of help on here.

i have nothing constructive to add as its already been said.agree strongly with the ocd vibe.keep posting and please dont feel ashamed.we quite a friendly bunch here and suportive of others issues.if nothing else remember you have an outlet here to off load