I cant cope with my PTSD

[Jenni1010]

I try to pretend its not ruining my life. I get up in the mornings i care for my child, i work i go to college... but deep down im breaking down. Since having PTSD ive been taken to hospital 2 times for OD and 2 times to have stictches as im a self harmer and have been to minor injuries countless times to be patched up. Its not how i want to live, im having counselling at the moment but its not enough.

Sorry you are feeling so awful . I remember the thick of PTSD so well, the constant pain, flashbacks, nightmares, being on high alert all the time and just wanting to be dead.

Is counselling all you get? Are you on any medication? You may benefit from sertraline, an AD that is particularly good for PTSD related depressed feelings.

Do you have any psychiatric input? A Community Mental Health Team, a cpn? I was registered with the emergency team and even though I never used them (having amazing friends) it helped to know I could.

Finally, you seem to be doing an awful lot - child, work and study. You can't drop the child bit but can you put your study on hold for a while and or go off sick from work? Your dr. should be willing to help with that.

I had a six month sabbatical from work during the worst of the therapy while ds still went to nursery. Endlessly walking and writing in those precious hours really helped me.

Take care of yourself.

No im not on any medication. I have been on all sorts of anti-depressants but none have worked other than numbing me. In facts my meds changed all the time n it messed me up more. I am however on 7.5mg of zopiclone to help me sleep. Evenings are the worst for me and it 'shuts down' my brain so i dont think too much as that were i end up doing damage to myself.

I went off sick for 2 weeks once just to rest. But its an escape for me to be honest. Im worse when im not busy. Which is why im at college as well (psychology) so its interesting and takes my mind off my problems.

I have seen loads of people before, cpn, endless counsellors, psychologist, psychiatrist, crisis team (when i nearly got sectionned) I havnt had much support in that way as my first ever counsellor (school counsellor) told me i was sick in the head. ever since ive found it near impossible to talk about anything to anyone. my current counsellor however is amazing. but support once a week isnt enough especially when im very close to saying enough is enough and acting upon it. =(

I know i have to talk about 'the events' in the past but my counsellor cant quite get me to open up... i want to open it up n get it all out but i really cant.

What do you think will happen if you open up?

I found it just about impossible for quite a long while and only used to drop hints and say single sentences in the hope that therapist/friends would 'get' it.

Don't answer if you don't want to, but was what happened to you one traumatic event or did it take place over time? If it is a single event evidence suggests that trauma focused CBT works better than 'just' talking about it.

I have a feeling, also due to your self-harming, that it wasn't a single classic trauma event like a bad accident, but something that has really undermined your self belief and who you feel you are.

ive never spoken out loud about it before, i can write it down to my counsellor, but i physically cannot say words or feelings linked to it. Its not so much i dont want to but i actually cannot do it ive tried.

it was 2 months the 'event' went on for a few things have happened since the 'event'. I was only 15 and kept it completely to myself for 5 years.

I know if i didnt fall pregnant with my son aged 17 i know i wouldnt be here today, ive kept strong (most the time) for him and think subconciously my suicide attempts have failed because deep down something is stopping me finish myself off.... but even though ive been told by my counsellor how strong i am i have currently not felt weaker. Its breaking me up, affecting the way i parent, the way i live daily. And nights are the absolute worst once i stop keeping busy and have time to think. I have to take my sleeping tablets straight away or else il end up cutting myself and i dont want my son to catch on or think its normal behavior.

By the way thank you for replying its lovely to know strangers care about others x

What does your counsellor say about your inability to say things about it? Have they explored other ways of opening up with you?

Is your counsellor well qualified to help you with this particular issue?

yeh shes been amazing, we have talked about all sorts of problems before and stuff i didnt even realise has effected me in the past. But this certain topic she brushes through ideas of how to cope with it but dont make it a big thing that i have to tell her and I never bring it up. so i guess shes working towards it. I want it out and put and left in the past... but its a bit scary because im use to keeping it secret and storing it at the back of my mind.

Hi
My experience is that a really awful trauma happened to me when I was 17 and then I managed to suppress the memory by self-medicating, extreme sports and a string of disastrous relationships. Finally when I was 32 I gave birth to my son (which wasn?t at all traumatic because we HypnoBirthed). But, I was so tired after a few weeks of being a new parent (because I didn't know how to care for my own needs properly) that I started to get flash backs to the trauma. I would see my attacker's face instead of that of my beautiful baby's (imagine? At a time in life when I should have been at my happiest, I was scared and very anxious). I thought I was losing my mind. So, I called the health visitor, and then my GP referred me to the centre for anxiety disorders and trauma CADAT at King's Hospital in London because I was diagnosed with PTSD. Thank goodness they did! I am so grateful for the kindness and treatment I received.
I did a course of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) with an absolutely brilliant and very talented clinical psychologist. We worked closely together. We took the time I needed to go over the memory and to rebuild my confidence. Most importantly though, before we did any work on the trauma memory we worked to equip me with the tools to deal with flashbacks. Significantly, I was shown ways to self-soothe. So much to tell but I just want to say that I am recovered.
So, totally, over it. I love and cherish who I am and I am contented and calm. I know my psychologist would say that it is thanks to my courage and determination ? she?s right.
This article helped me a lot too: cognitivebehavior.com/pathological-critic/

Have you tried REBT therapy? I have heard that it is very successful in treating PTSD.

Oh Jenni1010, I wanted to mention that my new found calmness is akin to the numbness you describe. When the anxiety is gone there's a strange feeling because it's new. I'm no longer hyper, a can be so calm, I can work uninterrupted. I can be still and also not feel guilty for just relaxing. Please see whether you can sort out a referral for CBT from your GP. It's such a help for PTSD.
X

What is a hyno birth? (just curious)

I have done CBT, it was like a plaster, it helped on the surface but not deep down. My panic attacks have dramatically reduced and i am a bit calmer. Its just the overwhelming feeling of wanting to give up, very little energy and I hate not being myself. In fact ive forgotten who i am and what i really use to be like.

NLP stopped my flashbacks...it helps reduce the anxiety hugely over time...but still get the high level of flight/fight response and anxiety.