I'm scared I have bipolar, can someone just talk to me.

[JjandtheBean]

I've had a lot of problems the past two years, and the past few weeks I've began to realise I can't blame all my feelings on this and also the way I react to some things isn't right.

I am 23, I have a 4yo ds and 3yo dd, a dp I've been with 7yrs.

I've had a history of depression but the ads never seemed to work and as soon as I felt ok I stopped them, I was young, stupid.

Anyway, in 2010 I made a snap decision to move 110miles away, my grandma was diagnosed with terminal cancer and later passed away, I also lost a brother, and my family dog, we had a car accident and dps dad had a severe heart attack and his gps a serious car accident.
Begining of 2011 we lost our home and spent 6mnths in a bnb, we were back on track and I fell pregnant, at 13wks the baby died and I had to have an Emrc.

For me that was the final straw I've been so low its unreal.

But I think maybe its been a turning point, I've looked back over the past two years and noticed a worrying pattern.

I have months of extreme lows, tears, anxiety, rows and feeling utterly useless.

This summer I was so happy, high almost, and I was an awful person, I essentially ditched dp and the dcs and spent all my time with a male with lived with, whom I ended up kissing and falling for. This ended with a huge row shortly after we got our house and me and dp fixed things. And still are.

I then spent sept-oct very low, found out I was expecting and hid it from everyone feeling ashamed, for no reason, it was dps, when I eventually told him I was happy again, I remember practically skipping around debanahams looking at baby clothes when I reached 12wks.

Sil is pregnant, I has issues with sil, she's never happy and claims she's depressed, her doctors said she isn't!!! She is a month behind where I should be and today she rang dp, this sent me spiraling and
I'm angry, so so angry, I'm irrational and I want to be happy. I want another baby so much but I scared of loosing the ones I have if I do have something wrong.

Maybe I'm wrong and I'm just processing all the shit I've dealt with but I needed to get it all out.

Perhaps, but it's more likely to just be the ups and downs of life. You've had a lot to deal with.
My DP is bi-polar. He was diagnosed about 8 years ago while in a mental health unit. He had no idea and still can't see his ups and downs, even with hindsight.
Have you talked to a doctor recently about how you feel? Perhaps anti-depressants, taken regularly, would help you.

You have certainly had a lot going on, but please don't try to self diagnose.

You need to see your GP asap and talk about how you are feeling.

I'm not trying to self diagnose it was just suggested in a row with dp, not pretty. And I made the mistake of googling, I guess I was hoping I could blame all of this on something.

I considering contacting the gp but I don't really have any decent rl support for problems like this, 3days after my op everyone expected to be normal, I just want to scream I don't have to be ok!!!

I very much doubt it's bipolar, what you're feeling sounds like a normal response to shitty circumstances. Which is not to say a trip to the doctor won't help, but I knwo from my own contact with the mental health service that a lot of people come in and announce that they have x disease and insist on being treatd as if they do. I wouldn't bet against you being a bit depressed, but there's a lot you can do to help yourself in that case. Your relationship sounds terrible fwiw. I wonder if you feel stuck in it as, if you;re only 23 and you've been together 7 years, you don't know any different. ANother baby won;t replace the one you've lost. I would think very hard about your reasons for staying together and wanting another tbh. If therapy helps you explore that, that can only be a good thing.

Get professional help and quickly. I know it's the bank holiday but the sooner you get treatment the better.
Do try to stay on anti-depressants a good length of time. They take about 2-3 weeks to work btw.
You have had a rotten time and also you are very young to have all this to cope with. Give yourself a break and get to see a GP pronto.

Thank you for all your replies, I can explain reasons behind the awful behaviour over the summer and so on, I shouldn't have googled bipolar because of course things which match up will stand out.

fuckity I do sometimes wonder what the hell I'm doing with dp, and openly admit if we didn't have our dcs one of us would have left. I do really love him and he does me, he just has no idea how to deal with me struggling, he's had a piss easy life and can't begin to understand my feelings.
He's struggling atm with his own health problems and feeling like a failure etc and has been pretty difficult since starting treatment.

I wouldn't want to be with anyone else, I couldn't imagine it. And I couldn't bear to not be with him, we took a week apart and both hated every second. What we both really need is a break just us to talk things out and get ourselves together but despite the offers of help whenever we've accepted we've been made to feel so guilty we end up fetching the kids.

I think there's a very high chance he's depressed and stressed also but he'd never admit it or ask for help.

God I've made it all sound shitty, it isn't all bad, we have a nice home and he does a lot to support me in other ways, I've been so numb I've barely been functioning and the house is kept in order and the dcs well cared for, he is a good man, just doesn't understand the total mess my mind is.

I feel better for getting it out, I juist feel like sometimes it will never end.

It will end. One day this will all be behind you.

I realise I have so much people dont, beautiful son and daughter, a half decent dp who is a doting dad and a nice home. Why can't I be happy? I spent months in that bnb staring at four walls wishing I had what I have now, my son is thriving at school, I have so much to be grateful for I want to shake myself.

Sil is my main trigger for anger and hurt, she has everything, seriously lovely life but milks people for all they're worth and dp adores his baby sister its stupid and irrational but I feel like he thinks she's a better mum than me, all because he made a fuss she managed to breastfeed --for two months, I did twelve, for his OWN child-- he's never once said I'm doing a good job.

Why not ask him to read this thread?

Everything I've wrote here he knows, I've told him I just look at him sometimes when he's ranting about "why do you hate my sister" and think why can't you see why can't you feel this, its so obvious, in my face and consuming its frustrating he can't see it, even when I've stopped watching everything I usually follow on tv because it has some connection to pregnancy/a baby/death.

I turn off music, everything I loved and enjoyed makes me hurt and he seems blind.

I'd write to him but I don't feel it would work.