This is shit.

[BertieBotts]

Massively up and down today. One minute happy and excited about Christmas and the next tearful, feeling like a useless mother for not having finished everything and the room being a tip, resenting DS for having put my entire life on hold and feeling crap about that, how can I resent him? Poor DP can't say anything right and seems to upset me every time he opens his mouth (and he's not being mean) - wondering if I'm even cut out for being in a relationship at the moment and then feeling shit at the thought of breaking up, because I love him and don't want to.

Everything is crap and it's supposed to be Christmas and fun :( The worst part is that even if I cry all day tomorrow DS won't mind or notice because I cry so much he is used to it. How shit am I?

Have emailed counselling service, they should get back to me in the new year. I just hope that it does actually help. Not sure whether to follow up with GP as well.

Merry Christmas :)

Didn't want to read and run.

I have suffered from MH issues and so whilst I don't know your personal circs, I can emphasise to an extent.

You're not shit, you're simply trying your best to cope. Good on you for contacting the Counselling Service. Counselling definitely helped me but I know it's not for everyone. If I were you, I would give it a go and definitely make an appointment to see your GP as well next week.

Apologies that I can't really help but will be thinking about you. I hope tomorrow isn't too difficult, try and let your DP 'in', you need a break/someone just to be there for you.

Merry Christmas, x

Thank you Squirrel. Am a bit rubbish at letting DP in at the moment. I am worried that if he sees how upset I am he will think that it's something to do with him. I don't feel like I have a "reason" to be sad, so I can't explain it. And nothing ever seems to throw him. I have tried to talk but I don't know.. I have been really horrible to him too, pushing him away.

It's just been weird this year. I have seen some genuine, heartwarming instances of human kindness to which I've thought "Aww, a Christmas miracle " genuinely. But then the other stuff.

I will get sorted this coming year. It will be the year I take my head out of the sand :)

You're definitely not shit.

I find it helps if I take little breaks during the day when I'm allowed to be sad. Just sitting for 5 or 10 minutes alone to recharge. It does help, a little.

Aww, BertieBotts, you always put so much effort into being helpful to other posters, I'm sure if you've put half that much effort into Christmas it'll be lovely for your DS.

Contacting the counselling service is a big step, I hope you find it helpful. Christmas is a stressful time, all this pressure to have a good time and make real life look like the mental image of our perfect Christmas. Are you seeing family tomorrow? Sounds like you're feeling a bit rubbish, don't push yourself too much. Have lots of cuddles with your DS and yummy food.

I know exactly what you mean when you say that you don't feel as if you have a reason to be sad. I found that a struggle ie how do you explain how you feel when you don't really understand the reasons behind your emotions? Plus, it's harder if the people around you are generally quite positive and upbeat etc.

Thing is, he (DP) probably doesn't really need you to say anything, ie presumably he'll just be there for you in the background and when you are ready and feel able to talk then you can. I also think that the Counselling will help you with this ie you'll have someone else to talk to about it all and so will hopefully feel less burdened and able to cope a little better.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself today to have the perfect 'disney' type Xmas day. Just being together with your family is enough.

As yellow said, take time out, even if you have to hide in the bathroom, just take a few mins for yourself.