DH is an alcoholic, and until October this year was sober for nearly 5 years. He was sporadically attending AA meetings when he started drinking again, partly due to the stress of self-employment and partly due to the resurgence of his depression.
Oddly, I had no idea he was drinking. Even I can't believe it, but the smell of it kind of becomes part of him and not like alcohol. It is hard to explain. Anyway, he messed up badly and our financial situation is pretty dire, but not desperate. It could be sorted, with a bit of clear thinking and hard work.
He ended up in hospital a few weeks back. He withdrew from the alcohol too quickly. The doctor advised doing it over 2-3 weeks and he did it in less than a week. He became delusional and it was scary and I managed to get him to hospital, where he was admitted for 3 nights.
He was diagnosed with severe depression as well as the obvious alcohol dependency and with medication, he was completely sober. He came home, went to see the GP and told us all that was it, he was on the road to recovery.
He is still on meds but I have discovered that he is drinking again. He said that he is scared not to drink and that it makes him feel better. He was suicidal a few weeks back and I do not doubt that there is a mental health problem underlying the alcoholism. This is backed up by the consultant.
I feel very trapped. Our children are under 5. If I walk away from our business I have no doubt that it will fold as he is unable to function effectively at the moment. If I get a job, it will ease the pressure on him financially but I will not be able to do much in the business. If I am honest, I have not worked as much in the business as I should have done recently as I cannot stand the sight of him.
When he drank 5 years ago, he was never nasty or abusive but this time he is different. This time he says hurtful, nasty things and keeps telling me that he wants to leave. Part of me wishes he would, but part of me is really sodding pissed off that he wants to leave after all the crap I've put up with over the last 5 years.
I have been close to tears all day. In fact, I have been in tears and he keeps hissing at me to think of the children and their magical fucking christmas. I am so bloody cross that he is blaming me for ruining christmas. I haven't, btw, they seem as excited as ever.
His AA sponsor is encouraging me to hang in there and do what I need to do to sort the business out and get more stable financially. This is a good plan. Yesterday, when he hadn't had a drink and I didn't know that he planned to drink, we planned a great future together and planned a few business related things for the new year to drum up new business. And now this.
He has been referred to a psychiatrist but I have no idea when it will happen or whether it will make a difference. I don't know why I am posting either.
Gah.