How do I cope with this?

[PatheticVictim]

When I was far too young, I was sexually assaulted in a hospital. More than once.

Tomorrow, DD has an appointment at one of the hospitals where it happened. She's currently exact the same age as I was the first time. I can't get the appointment at a different hospital because it needs to happen before Christmas.

The appointment has come about because of an accident DD had at a friend's. I want to kill the friend.

How am I going to cope with this?

Oh good Lord - in hospital, where you are supposed to be safe (like I should have been safe at school).

What can you do? At this short notice all I can think of is a) Send someone else b) take someone else with you c) completely focus all your attention on dd, try to keep breathing. These are in order of preference by the way.

DH is going. But only because I screamed and threatened and manipulated to such an extent that - well, I have pushed our marriage to its absolute limits. And I'm still terrified of her being there, even if I'm not.

I'm sorry it happened to you too :(

Does dh know what happened?

Have you ever had support for what happened? Properly talked about it in a safe place?

I've had lots of really excellent abuse counselling. But never had to actually face being in the hospital. I wish that it was for me not DD, at least this time.

DH knows and believes me. He told my family, who didn't believe me. In the early stages of looking for help I told my GP, who also didn't believe me. So I keep very, very quiet about it all.

Tomorrow, just keep repeating the thought to yourself, over and over like a mantra, "there is no threat now, there is no threat now". Accept that it may be uncomfortable to be there but keep reminding yourself that it will be over soon and you will get through it. Remember to try to keep as physically relaxed as possible. Keep engaged with your daughter so that you don't 'drift off' into your own thoughts....take one of your daughters books to read with her or one of her games or toys to play with with her while you are waiting for the appointment.
Plan something nice to do afterwards e.g. lunch in a cafe, and let your daughter help you look forwards to that.
You will get through tomorrow. You will.

Thanks. Part of my fear is DD running and running around the waiting room and suddenly slipping beyond my line of vision - she loves dodging through doorways and diving round corners - she's not naughty about it, but just an active, creative toddler. I will take books. Maybe a whole bookshelf. Anything to pin her to my lap.

just read your thread and wanted to say good luck for today and i be thinking of you

Thanks. The appointment isn't till 4 this afternoon. I've had to send the DCs to the CM as I can't face them seeing how badly I'm coping with this.

I'm not managing. I don't know what to do