Dad diagnosed with vascular dementia, how can I help my lovely Mum?

[yogabird]

I feel so helpless and I know that she needs support. I live some distance away - 2 hours or so and it's hard. She is rather shy but I know that she's going to need a network of friends and support - where do I start in encouraging her to get this in place. Any tips for how to cope with a very depressed and pessimistic father who is frightened and aware enough to see the bleakness of his situation?

You could get her to phone the Alzheimer's Society or phone them yourself for her. They are very good at helping families who have someone who suffers with dementia.

Maybe also speak to your father's doctors surgery to see if your mum qualifies for any support from social services. Your mum may be able to get some respite care this way so she can have a break. She will then have some support and feel less isolated.

thank you - have just spent two days up there and it's such hard work for mum, and he's so slow and he worries and worries.

Poor you and your mum:( It's so hard to see someone you love changed so much by this illness.

Is there anything your father enjoys doing that could help him calm down for a bit. Sometimes music can help, some of his favourite songs from years ago perhaps. Also simple things like jigsaws if he enjoys them, looking at old photographs. Many people with dementia are often happier if they can stay in the moment.

Wishing you all the best and hope you and your family have a good Christmas x

I was going to say Alzheimer's society and try Age Uk. They both offer support networks. age UK will also offer a befriending service who could sit with him if she wanted to go out. They should definitely be entitled to assessment for support from social services.
Try to encourage him to do hobbies, practical things he can stil do like jigsaws maybe? Familiar things will help.

It's odd because he was here yesterday for the day after much agonising on his part as to whether the journey was too far, whether he would need a pee and have an accident, whether the pipes at home would freeze whilst away for the day etc. and they had a really good time - at times when boot faced with making decisions, he was like his old self and settled down and looked at the bird book I'd bought him and was involved with the children.

Attentive and docile and nice to be with, no sighing and despair and head in hands and 'Oh dear!' and 'Oh I just don't know what we are going to do' and 'I need some help, I don't know what I'm doing' talk. Getting out seems to be the key.
I have looked on the Alzheimers website briefly but didn't find it immediately easy to see a section on what she could do and how she can meet people which I think is the key. Will try again. Kind words and knowing others are out there and have done it makes such a difference - thanks all and happy Boxing Day.

Have a look at this bit most areas have groups that meet regularly qhich sounds like the support she needs.
It is a steange disease in that in the right circumstances people can remain quite orientated. I know from both a professional - I'm an elderly spcialist nurse and because my Grandma has it. People will have good days and not good days....some days they'll seem very positive and orientated - like your Dad yesterday, some days everything will up skittle them. My Grandma simply couldn't understand yesterday that it was Christmas and just wouldn't connect. However it was her birthday in Nkvember 91 years young! And she had a lovely day, singing along to happy birthday and everything.
I've learnt to go with it, if my Grandma is happy I'll stay a while, yesterday I stayed 15 minutes.
I hope you can find a local support network for your Mum. Keep posting here if you want any more support and advice,

My GP surgery has leaflets in reception with information about carer services and dementia support group. Your mother's surgery may also have details.

We have exactly the same problem here. Mum gets exhausted caring for him

Their salvation has been the "autumn centre" - they go one day (sometimes 2) a week. He does an art class and some sort of memory thing and she does a craft group ( hence I have an arrangement of artifical flowers for Xmas and the kids got hand made cards and all sorts!). The fact that someone else listens to him tell the same anecdotes etc makes him happier and mum gets a bit of space which charges her batteries too. They get transport there and back too, as well as being able to buy a lunch that meas mum doesn't need to cook. They even went for Xmas dinner on 23/12 and won the raffle!( it was also their 60 somethingth wedding anniversary).

They found the centre after dad got a " memory course" of some sort after his diagnosis by a specialist.

Dads condition varies a bit. He's worst when just at home with mum and best in company. He's 88 and probably has been loosing memory since heart bypass surgery 18 yrs ago. Seeing the specialist was they key that opened the door to help for mum- we knew he was dementing and that the cause was probably vascular. He also has poor hearing and sight that can make things really difficult ( why did he come to ours for a week of concerts ad jollity before Xmas with 3 used hearing aid batteries as his " spares" - argh! Anyway I now know where to get them!)

Ps. I'm also over an hours drive away and I think that's a good thing- yes maybe a bit selfishly but also they still do function independently and do cope. When they are here it's like have 2 extra kids in a lot of ways- I do everything, even though they could do it themselves.

By the way do sort out lasting power of attorney for health and property/ finance for them both. It's quite a boringly drawn out proscess and needs to be done now whilst they have capacity ( assuming they do- my dad still does just about).

My nan had vascular dementia. Theas18's advice about power of attorney is really good. I would also say that due to nature of the illness it's worth speaking to social services in their area, finding out the local authority's process for getting someone into care, visiting some homes and meeting his GP so you know who to call when you need help. IME the illness can develop very quickly or stay static for months and it's worth knowing where to go 'next' should he suddenly get more poorly or if your mum was to get ill and be unable to look after him (nothing serious of course but even if she got a nasty chest infection or something that meamt she had to have a day in bed she would need help).

Just posted the power of attorney forms off today, thanks. Mum had already got those underway. He's been really bad toady she says. Up before 6 am and a worrying about going to the mental health clinic where he is for two days a week for a while. I'll never be ready on time - he has to leave at 9.30! I need a shave and I need to sort out my pockets? Mum is struggling a bit with this and didn't do much today while he was there except collapse into sleep, poor thing.

Thanks for your support faithychristmasbaby. I needed the link sometimes when faced with a whole website you can't see the wod for the trees. nosing there are people out there really helps. I wondered about trying to get her into gransnet but not sure, she'll need hand-holding

Hi it's Faith with a name change...I knew that link was there somewhere so I hunted it out!
Ultimately what she needs is support from other people who are going through the same thing but also to know that life goes on...they do social stuff as grouos. So yes, AS or Gransnet...whatever helps!