How can I get better?

[SenseofEntitlement]

Seriously now. I'm usually one for just taking the pills and shutting up (well, I don't shut up - I fill half the internet with rants, but they are mostly about the practical and political end) but I'm sick of it.

I have bipolar 1. This year I have had a big relapse which put me in hospital and several smaller ones. I have two children, aged 4 and 2, and a supportive husband, although he works long hours. I live a long way from my family, but my inlaws live very near and are supportive, I'm just a bit embarrassed.

I take lamotrigine 200mg/day, and can't have lithium because I'm not good enough at taking meds or having blood tests. I refused quetiapine in hospital, and the outpatient doctor said I didn't need it. In the past I have had sertraline combined with rispiridone, which was awful, then after a year it was changed to sertraline with aripiprazole, which I remember as being awful, but I'm told that at the time I liked it. Oh yeah, I have huge holes in my memory.

I saw a doctor last week from a new team (that whole saga is on here on a thread called ARGH mental health staff, but is a side note really) who said he would ask my GP to prescribe 250mg of lamotrigine a day, but I've not left the house to get the prescription. Usually DH would do it for me, but he has had loads of overtime lately. I'm not convinced it will make a difference, but then I don't remember a difference from when I started lamotrigine and apparently I am completely different.

I can't carry on like this. I am sat here with waves of doom washing over me. They are like contractions - come from nowhere and take over my entire body, then go. They feel physically painful, and over the last few days I have started seeing things again. Only little things, and I know they aren't real, but still.

So, aside from the NHS, what can I do? Is there anything? I just feel like doing SOMETHING would be better than sitting around waiting for the next relapse. Please, I will try anything. I am starting to get on top of things, and the last few days I can feel myself slipping fast.

The thing is, I just really need to get over Christmas, but I don't know what I can do that will be that quick acting. I am getting all the warning signs to be in a full on relapse with in a week if I don't do something. I am pretty able to reason now (apart from this anxiety and crying and general doom) but the full on problems tend to come on quickly.

It does seem to be a depression though, on the bright side. Much less dangerous. Still, who wants a depressed Christmas guest?
Ideally, there would be some form of temporary tranq or anti d to get me over the next month, but I don't think that exists. Or if it did they wouldn't prescribe to someone with unstable bipolar 1 and recent hospital.

I wish I knew Sense . I'm not bipolar but when I'm not depressed I stay busy to make up for the lost times (ignoring the possibility that I may be slipping backwards again until I'm literally bed-ridden and a sobbing mess). So I'm not going to advocate doing that . Are you eating, sleeping, getting exercise ok? If not, that's where I start if I'm still engaged/motivated enough to do these things. Are your meds ok? What do your hcps suggest?

I was prescribed quetiapine for anxiety. Might that be a possibility for short time use? Out of interest what were your reasons for refusing it in hospital?

I don't get on with my new CPN because she is an incompetent arse.

MY prescription has increased, but I've not collected it. Sleep, eating, exercise all out of window. Have been wearing the same clothes for more than 24 hours now. Have to go to nativity tomorrow. Keep thinking I'll make excuses, but I know I really can't. Consoling myself with the fact that I don't have to leave the house for ages after that.

When did this happen to me? I used to be the bringer of the party!
(admittedly, that was during an extended mania, and I moved town since then, partly to get away from the sheer amount of people I had offended)

Quetiapine made me literally fall asleep in the corridor, then I was lying on my bed, in full on panic, but couldn't move to get help.

TBH, would be quite happy to give it a go out of hospital. I was just in such an unfamiliar situation that I couldn't cope with it in hospital.

I don't get on with my new CPN because she is an incompetent arse.

I refused the quetiapine also and that was without trying it. Maybe your hospital dose was simply too high and you were also presumably more unwell than present. Contact whoever you need to to discuss giving it a go. And also collect or get someone to collect your prescription. I was told the quetiapine would help with sleep or perhaps you might be allowed sleeping tablets to get some sleep back. Whichever way think you need to discuss with hcps. (Maybe just not your CPN!)

Btw I regularly wear the same clothes for more than 24 hours (admittedly by adding clothes on top - to do the school runs then removing them after). Is this not 'normal'?

I have zopiclone, but really had to beg for another script, and he limited me to one weeks worth a month at the most.
The thing is, I don't get how being addicted to sleeping pills is worse than being on mood stabilisers and antipsychotics? I've been refused tranquillisers but offered antipsychotics in the past too. Because apparently having a couple of days on tranquillisers with a slight risk of addiction is loads worse than being on a drug that knocks approx 15 years off your lifespan and puts your heart and liver under strain. Meh.

I do actually think quetiapine is the best idea, but I have no idea how to get it. New team, no idea how it works. Not to mention that they never believe I am ill until I am screaming at imaginary monsters.

Honestly, you should have seen my threads on here before I was in hospital. I rang crisis about three times before they would see me, and it took another three visits (in the same day) and dh backing me up before they would admit me.

I had the same thing with midwives not beleiving I was in labour with dd1. I must have a serene face :-)