Living with the memories of mental illness

[flyingelephants]

Hi, I had pnd following my sons birth 19 months ago. For various reasons it took a long time before I was treated and by the time I got treatment I was very unwell and I ended up being admitted to a mother and baby unit for 6 week in April and May. For me PND took the form of being obsessive about caring for ds, if I did anything less than perfectly (or less than my version of perfect at the time) I was racked with guild and self hatred. In the end I hated everything about myself and believed I was evil and deserved to die. I didn't want to die and leave my son but I knew with complete certainty at the time that I had to kill my self. I made plans for how I was going to end my life and I wrote suicide notes to my husband and son.

I am so much better now, I am slightly reluctant to say I have fully recovered but my state of mind now is different in every way from how I felt then. I like myself again, I have confidence in myself and I know that I am a good mother and that ds is happy. I have no thoughts of self harm and haven't done for months. I am happy with myself and my life. I have finished my counselling as both myself and my therapist agreed that i no longer needed it. I am slowly coming of my medication. Basically my life is back on track and I am incredibly happy about this!

However over the last few weeks the memories of the worst times have been playing on my mind. I guess it is just part of the process of coming to terms with what happened. The memories are obviously upsetting but they don't make me feel anxious or depressed as such. I guess it is just starting to hit me know how frightening the whole experience was and how close I came to leaving forever. I remember so many doctors appointment where I would tell them what I was thinking and planning but because I still functioned relatively well day to day (taking care of ds going to work etc) and because I had bonded with ds (apparently pnd is only possible if you are unable to care for your baby and/or if you haven't bonded with your baby) they didn't take me seriously until it was very nearly too late. I said good bye to my son several times and the fact that I could ever have thought of leaving him is so devastating.

I am not really looking for a response to this, I guess these memories are just my minds way of coming to terms with what happened. I just wanted to write it down. Also wondered if anyone has any experience of whether or not you ever really move on from this.

I've had similar when I started to come out of the blur of really dark, black overwhelming PTSD - for a while I thought a lot about the night when I walked out planning to never come back and talked about it with the friend whome I contacted eventually and who found me and sorted me out. And more episodes like that. I agree with you that it is about processing it. For me it settled down by itself.

I have not experienced PND but severe depression. I don't think that we ever really "move on" - I think painful episodes in our life fade over time and don't have the hold on us as they once did. That may not be true for everyone, but it certainly is for me. For some reason just lately I have been thinking a lot about the first time I experienced severe depression (and like you had suicidal thoughts) and was so ill I spent 3 months on a psych ward and made a complete recovery, that was some 15 years ago. A further severe episode occurred last year and I was most definitely suicidal and had made a plan (though not sure I would have carried it out) and again 3 months on psych ward, and still battling with the "ups and downs" of the illness.

I see a psychologist on the NHS and I have to return to the same complex where I was an in patient. The psych units are a series of bungalows, apart from the main hopsital, and are quite nice, own room and lovely garden to sit in, in warm weather. However I don't like going back to the complex although I think the psychologist is helpful.

Coming back to you - sorry - got a bit carried away there. You suffered a very frightening incident in your life after the birth of your son and have made a full recovery. I don't think this is just something that you forget and "move on" - I think that the memory will fade over time and you will in that sense have "moved on" if that makes any sense.

You mention that you wanted to write it down - maybe writing it down for yourself with much more detail (that you wouldn't want to post on here) could be therapeutic. I always turn to laptop (used to be paper and pen!) to record my feelings on something that has happened to me that has caused distress. I have a diary of each day i was in hospital (on both occasions) and am still using the 2nd one (I do actually write it down in a Sainsburys A4 pad) because I didn't use my laptop in hospital. This has always helped me get things out of my head and onto paper.

You've brought back some memories for me flyingelephants. After the birth of my daughter 2 years ago I descended into some kind of hellish traumatised state with terrible insomnia and horrific nightmares when I did manage to get some sleep. It was happening exactly this time of year 2 years ago. I was telling people I had thoughts of harming myself and when it got to January and there was heavy snow I thought it was sign that I should go out and lie down and go to sleep in the snow. I planned it and wrote notes. I googled hypothermia and suicide on the internet and kept deleting my history (in case DP was checking it - he was). I remember going to the Samaritans one day and asking a lady if I had any choice whether to stay alive. I remember DP leaving for work in the morning and me lying on the bed with DD sobbing and saying over and over again 'I can't do it'. I couldn't believe that people around me were simply getting on with their lives. Christmas day was probably the lowest point of my life.

I know exactly what you mean. No matter how well I've recovered, how much I love my DD, how far I've come and how happy I now am, I can't forget it and it haunts me.

What a scary experience you had too. So glad you've recovered so well but I guess that time will help to heal, even though you'll never forget it.

Thank you everyone for the replies. Madmouse it is reassuring to hear that for you the memories settled down on their own. I know that it is still a relatively short time since this happened and I guess processing and coming to terms with everything will take time (patience has never been one of my strengths!)

NanaNina I like what you wrote about about not moving on as such but that painful memories don't have the same hold over us. That makes a lot of sense to me. The memories already have a very different effect on me compared to a few months ago when I was first discharged from hospital, at that point although I didn't have the feeling of self harm I still had tremendous guilt about what I had said/done and what I had put m family through. Now, although the memories make me sad I don't feel guilty I understand that my actions were part of an illness out of my control and I know that even though I put my family through a very hard experience they would far rather that than to have lost me all together.

I have been thinking about writing everything down as well. I have found writing things down very helpful in the past and it would probably be useful. Might have to work up to it a bit first though! It would probably be very long.

Inccidently I know what you mean about places having associations as well. I have a lot of bad memories of appointments from before I was admitted to hospital. Some places make me very anxious to be in still. This was a problem for a while when I was discharged as I couldn't deal with all the follow up appointments being in the same place. I'm sure you already know this but you could ask to be seen in a different place if going back to the complex you were in before ever became too difficult for you (in the end thats what I had to do as appointments were just to difficult for me in certain places.)

Arcadia, I'm sorry I brought back difficult memories for you as well. I'm glad that you are so much better now as well. I am gradually coming to the conclusion that these memories, although upsetting, do have their place and have a use. I don't think I would want to forget completely as what happened, however horrible and upsetting, is a part of my life experience and I guess now a part of what makes me me. I have learnt a huge amount from the experience and am a stronger person because of it. The other positive (not sure that quite the right word but don't know how else to describe it) is that remembering the bad times reminds me of how far I have come. The fact that the thought of suicide is so devastating to me now shows me how different my thinking is now. This year has been the most difficult of my life (as it sounds like 2 years ago was for you) but at the end of the experience we are still here, happier and stronger and maybe that is the part we should be focussing on.

Sorry that last bit was somewhat self indulgent and rambling!

Not rambling at all flyingelephants - very interesting to hear other people's point of view. When I was feeling suicidal I read something that said "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" and it sort of helped, except that I didn't believe my mental illness was temporary. A wise friend also said to me "if you commit suicide you pass you pain on to the loved ones you leave behind" and that stopped me in my tracks. Like you I felt guilty and even ashamed at what I had put my friends and family through. I think this is peculiar to mental illness, as we don't feel like that with physical illness do we.

Yes I too look back and think of my plan (it was drowning in a nearby canal) and I had chosen the spot. I am not a drinker but planned on drinking a bottle of vodka first. I drive past that canal a fair bit and can't believe what I was thinking, but as you say this shows us how far we have come.

It is one horrid illness.

I find myself obsessing over how I would escape from the hospital if I was ever back there (no bright ideas tbh) and going over and over the events.

It's weird, I don't think counselling would help with my underlying problem, as I think the bipolar is just chemical, but I feel like I need counselling to cope with the trauma of having bipolar, if that make sense?

NanaNina I too have feelings of guilt of what I put my loved ones through, in particular one friend (more my brother really) who has picked me up so many times. He prefers not to talk about it and focus on the fact that I'm so much better now. dh was so engrossed in his own depression at the time that he didn't really compute how bad things were and I out of habit continued caring for him. Not long ago he said to me 'at least you never had to reach for the will to stay alive and beat off the urge to kill yourself'. When I told him I owe my life to my friend he was shaken for several days. This friend still supports me now and is there whenever I have a set back and he says he's never stopped believing in me. I would have given up on me a long time ago.

It's strange isn't it Madmouse how mental illness makes us feel guilty for having the illness and for me, even ashamed, whereas I don't think we feel like this with physical illness. I've heard you mention this good friend quite a few times. Like you I wouldn't have got by without my DP and a few very close women friends, one in particular as she lives nearby and has helped me cope on some very dark days. Lying on her sofa in a lovely warm room was almost always restorative, and she is able to let me cry if I want to, not saying as some do "Oh don't cry, you'll only upset yourself" when they really mean "Don't cry - you'll upset me."

Another very close friend lives in Bristol and I can't count the number of times I've phoned her in a very bad state and just hearing her gentle, calm voice has helped and she works as an art therapist with people with enduring mental health problems, so is very knowledgeable.

Glad you have this special person who will never give up on you. Strangely I say to my DP and close friends "why aren't you fed up with me" and when in a bad state am constantly apologising. Hmmm - I reckon the brain is a very complex organ that isn't really understood by medics. Maybe one day......

Yes, I understand this. I feel the same way a lot when I'm taken back to memories of times in the MH system or in hospital - I live just opposite a large psych hospital and although I was never treated there, it still brings back chilling memories.

The feelings, though, do fade. Quite often I'm walking through the grounds and meet patients who'll stop and talk to me, and these days I don't feel any pangs of anger or regret in being about to listen or to reassure.

As you move forward, it will get easier. It will.