My counsellor has had to go for emergency surgery and so I wont see her until 7th January and it couldn't have come at a worse time.
I started seeing her about 2 months ago because (following a thread on here actually) I realised that enough was enough and I needed to sort out my feelings about motherhood before they started to affect my DD. I didn't enjoy being a mother at all and never had done. The counsellor has helped me a lot and I can now see that a lot of the irratation I feel towards DD may stem back to the irratation I felt towards my sister when she was born.
That aside we have also been exploring other things that have happened through my life and although I felt better at first I now feel a lot worse like it's opened up lots of old wounds that I would really prefer to have kept stitched up.
Anyway I have started drinking a lot (lunch time drinks with friends, 2 large glasses of wine and a bottle of wine a night most nights. On a Friday I will drink a bottle of wine in the afternoon at my desk then another bottle when I get home). I have lost control of my eating habits (I was keeping to a strict 1000 calories a day and now I am bingeing).
More recently my step daughter has decided she hates me and there is a horrible atmosphere when ever she's around (half of the week) and to top it all off my DD (5) has just told me she doesn't think it's fair that she spends more time with me than her dad and wants to split it more fairly because she misses him and prefers his house (apparently it's more cosy and warm and happy)
My DP and I have a wonderful relationship and have recently been discussing marriage but now with my DSD hating me, DD wanting to live with her dad, me drinking too much and probably getting fat - it doesnt feel like the happy time it should be.
DSD chose to go to her Mum's house rather than decorate the Xmas tree with us for the first year ever this year. And DD and I ended up screaming at each other becuase she wouldn't take a glass out to the kitchen.
I'm not sleeping properly and I can't concentrate at work. It's all a big mess.