Doesn't want to be here anymore.

[Littleblue]

Im no risk..I just dont want to be here... no longer see any point , low enough now that I look at my kids and think im just holding them back..its as much as i can do to wash their clothes and so on... they deserve better , I have a fab support/ friendship network , and I can spout all the answers and suggestions re lifes challenges til the cows come home...for everybody else , but as for me , I have no sense of self left... nothing...Ive tried anti depressants , exercise , therapy... I'm just going through the motions.

Think how your kids would feel if you weren't here. You are lucky to have great friends. Go back to your gp but go for therapy, not drugs. I don't know if you are religious but having faith in God helps - makes you see that life does have meaning and not to throw it away. Take care x

Littleblue, we've talked before as I wanted your name.
I know how you feel and if you're on your own it's hard. You can't give up, you have to put one foot in front of the other, but maybe we can help you do that.

Has something changed recently to make you fel this way?
Can you get some time to yourself to spoil yourself a bit?

You do know that your friends would be upset to know you hadn't asked for help don't you? In the worlds worst for this, I tell them all afterwards how low I was. It's hard to admit sometimes you need help but sounds like you need to tell at least one of them.

Do you have a proper advocate via the Carers network- MIND can help with this? sometimes we need another person to do our talking for us because we are all talked out.

Your making the effort to post here suggests to me that you can see the reasons for trying to get well. That you know deep down that nothing on earth will heal the scars left on your family should you commit suicide.

You may feel they are better off without you. Have you talked to those bereaved by suicide? I challenge you to find one person who will tell you

a) They are now better off without their loved one
b)that they would not wish that their loved one had tried again to seek help;

Have you ever been admitted for in patient treatment?

if you are truly considering suicide (have you thought of a method? Have you made any plans? Have you 'tidied up' your admin such as made a will etc?) then this tells me that you may need treatment that is hospital/clinic based.

Do you have a Care Co-ordinator/Case Manager/CPN? If yes, call them first thing tomorrow. tell them. show them your thread. If no, go to your doctor and be honest. Take a friend. But be honest about your suicidal ideation.

My gut instinct is that if there is help out there, you want to take it. You still have a little kernel of hope under that terrible depression. Hold onto that.
Use your support network.

Please give them another chance to help you.

It is not your 'place' to decide whether your loved ones will be better off without you.

I wish you luck.

LittleBlue - not much I can but just wanted to say I endorse every word of what nursenic says. Can you follow any of her recommendations. I know the thing about not wanting to die, but just not wanting to be here, as I have felt that many times with severe depression. I have so often wished for a quiet heart attack in the night. I think many severely depressed people just "don't want to be here any more" - it's a classic symptom isn't it.

Have you tried different sorts/doses of ADs as I'm sure you know they act differently on different people. I don't want to alarm you but when I was on a psych ward for 3 months last year with a severe episode of depression, I was really surprised to learn that ECT is still being carried out and is seen as a very effective treatment for drug resistant depression.

I was on an "older people's ward" as I was 66 and when I first went in there was a lady walking around and trying to take off her clothes, asking people if they had sold her house etc (completely out of touch with reality) then in 3 days she was perfectly normal. I had just assumed she had alzheimers, and when she was better she told me that she had severe depression with a psychotic episode (she couldn't remember about the psychosis but her daughter and the medics had told her) She had had 6 treatments and was discharged before me and went on holiday to Austria.

I talked to my key nurse about it, as I thought it belonged in the dark ages and she explained that it was nothing like those images we saw of people shaking and making involuntary movements. Now patients are given a muscle relaxant and a sedative. I saw many of them come back and they were fine if a little sleepy later on (but them many of them were in their 80s)
The ward manager said to me that if ever she had drug resistant depression and therapy hadn't helped she would have no hesitation in having ECT.

If this is worrying you please ignore it. A wise friend said to me that if you commit suicide you just pass on your pain to those you leave behind. Please confide in one of your friends and try again to get the help you deserve.

I'm the one everyone turns to... inc my own mother, I am well aware that i'm really very unwell now... I have a history within abusive relationships in my past of self harm..and will willingly share that with certain people who are struggling, as a benchmark of how far ive come... which is nuts ,I love my kids , and I know they would be crucified if i was committed to end things...whats weird is how detached i feel.. I cant empathise on a real level , i just know I mustn't..but I feel nothing... i was on here with another name and got a massive amount of support .. but yes, in RL my friends are very focused on helping...but I can't even listen to the words..it irritates me that they are trying to make me recognise what they see.. when I see nothing.

My son had a psychotic episode when he went to Uni last year.

I dont want to tell the doc how bad I feel because Im scared of losing my kids. I used to have a sense of purpose , all I do now is the basics and ignore the phone/inbox re debts..and try and make enough money to get by... theres alot of people in the world hugely worse off than me.

Thank you.. Holly, Nurse and so on... nursenic , my son is 20 and has worked really hard, having left home..to control his depression..and i know he worries about me, despite my front that alls well.. hes a very intelligent young man and challenges me to face things, and to deal with the implications for the younger sibs...however subtle I might kid myself they are.

Littleblue

The feelings you describe are called Derealisation and depersonalisation.

They are a sign of severe depression and can be treated.

True depression is not about feeling sad or lost or low. It is about the total absence of feeling; what professionals describe as a Flattening of effect.

It can accompany reduced motor activity i.e moving slowly, talking slowly, even constipation because biologically, depression has physical symptoms.

it caused cognitive retardation-slowed up thinking and other mental processes.

A severe depression can trigger psychotic episodes and beliefs about the body decaying or being empty.

The fact that you feel irritated when you are told the truth suggests to me that there are reasons why you are not seeking and engaging in help. Sometimes depression, no matter how unpleasant, can be 'safer' than the long arduous climb out of it to health. The way a depressed person withdraws from the world can foster a false sense of 'safety' as long as this is not threatened by people demanding things of them. There can be false perceptions creating a myriad of reasons not to truly engage in recovery with all its demands.

At this stage, you do not have to 'see anything'. You need to try top accept what you are being told by those around you who have nothing to gain from your being treated other than your health being recovered.

You know what you need to do on a cognitive level. The 'feeling it' will not be there because you are depressed. So don't wait for this to spur you into action.

jeez..im properly all over the place..no, i havent tidied my affairs up etc..its as much as i can do to print off a statement from the cash machine, pay the council tax and so on..Im going to take a sleeper and zone out..insomnias been worst ever past few weeks.. 2-3 hours a night. thnx.

Littleblue

Children of parents with M.I do tend to have superior emotional intelligence. However even though he is an adult in years, try to guard against 'inverse parenting' whereby he inappropriately cares for you. It may help your own self esteem to reinforce parental boundaries regarding who does the parenting.

I understand your concerns about social services but what do you think will happen if you do not seek any real help and continue to deteriorate?

If you seek help now, your nearest and dearest can work with you to plan how to help you care for your family and that is all that will be needed. However if left too long, you will no longer be in a position psychologically to have much say.

Is there a Crisis Intervention Team or similar in your region that you can ask to be referred to? They can put in a plan for twice/thrice daily home visits to help deflect inpatient care over Xmas and help you over the worst of the crisis.

You will not have your kids removed because of mental ill health that does not involve violence or neglect of or to your kids. You may need extra support but my advice to you is ask for this support. Do not wait until you have to have it imposed upon you.

I have all those things..im cold all the time...im also menopausal and have severe back pain issues. im hearing you... ive hidden how awful ive felt for so long because im needed 24/7 all over the damn place..i spend my life looking in on myself... thats the depersonalisation bit then

Depersonalisation is a sense of not feeling as though you 'exist' or feel 'real'.

derealisation is when the outer world feels 'unreal' or as though you are not really a part of it.

I'll read on it.. I promise..

Bless you....I have to sleep now but please PM me to let me know that you are investing in yourself by seeking help.

Good luck and sleep well.

I recognise both..ive used the term 'detached' for a long time.

I wont hurt myself.. I know that much at least , thank you..food for thought, my loved ones in RL are supportive, as long as i continue to be what they need me to be...i need to bail on many levels and draw a line in the sand.

littleblue, please don't. I was 16 when my dad hanged himself. I will get on with my life, but I will never, ever get over that. Don't do that to your loved ones, there has to be another way.xxx

Im not going to sweetheart...and im very sorry for your loss xxxxxx

Oh I know all about inverse parenting btw... Ive been doing it for the last thirty years..., I do try very hard not to pass that on...

Seen the Gp, looks like the depression/insomnia could be either menopause or underactive thyroid.. blood tests soon.

Well, await the results because yes, both have depression as a symptom but..... look at the environmental/emotional side of things too.

Im in constant pain with a chronic disc condition..my business is failing , and I have massive debts... I guess if i wasn't struggling , I'd be a robot.