Feeling really down

[dottyspotty2]

Not been on here for ages been in such a dark place that I deregistered from alot of sites I was using this is the background been under R crisis centre since and have now been told I am going through trauma and stress.

I am also under the dr as I have been having panic attacks and not sleeping so she's put me on meds which I hate, she has also referred me to a psychologist . Had an horrific session with my worker today basically my whole life has been molded by what he did to me.

It's really complicated as I live in a different place to where it happened so all the contact with the police is by phone not knowing whats happening is driving me mad.

Hugs dottyspotty2

It's very early days, trauma takes time to deal with, and you can't really control how quickly things come out in discussion/how raw things are. I took two years of talk to (mostly) deal with past trauma, everyone is different.

All I can really say is I'm sure people are here for you if you want to post here.

Hi Dottyspotty - I think we're fb friends now? Come talk to me any time. I don't know how you feel but I have been through the same and sometimes stuff still comes up. It gets better, but it takes time xx

Thanks I only admitted today that this started 20 years ago after my eldest was born had PND due to having nightmares of it happening to her never told anyone why at the time for fear of what would happen to her was only 20 myself when she was born.

She said its quite common to trigger repressed memories after a baby is born been so busy taking care of my family that i've neglected myself and been an angry person taking it out on DH, not angry anymore though just really confused don't know who the real me is. She also told me things I didn't really want to hear but that I know deep down are probably true really hurts so bad.

Built myself up as this strong person because I had to fight for my boy now I'm back to the nervous wreck i used to be hate not being in control. Can't even be in the company of close friends without shaking atm.

My memories came back round ds's birth. The lid came off during a very helpless scary part of my labour and then memories started flooding back as soon as the biggest fears around him subsided, ie when he had a good 1 year review with his neonatal paed. It's so painful and it makes you question everything. I felt my whole childhood had been a lie and nothing was real anymore. The flashbacks and dreams were hell. I talked my way through it. I've been blessed with good therapist and good friends, especially as dh could not support me much at the time. I'm particularly blessed with a particular friend who is more like a brother to me and who was able to listen to what happened to me without getting too distressed (I know he cried a few times and got angry, but he still slept at night).

I can only repeat that things will get better. I will also recommend the book that became my second bible: The Courage to Heal. Not everyone thinks it is as good as I do, and some believe there are gentler books out there, but it has been enormously important to me and I still pick it up sometimes.

Night times are horrendous atm crying so much Dh isn't here as he works until small hours. Last night all I could think of was what was said during Saturday's session and if what she said to me is true i'd rather not be here. Only time I can fall asleep easily is downstairs if I go to bed ends up taking forever unless I take a tablet and I'm not allowed to take them every night just occasionally.

Didn't help that I snapped at him the other night after he tried to be helpful told me I had think of other stuff and put it to back of my head its not that easy.