Moments of 'what's it all about?'

[natsyloo]

Hello,

I've not posted on here for a long time. I had severe PND after the birth of my DS last Aug and struggled for a good 8 months.

The good news is, after therapy, ADs and setting up a local support group for PND, I now feel an awful lot better.

I quit my job last month to do something I've always dreamed about but was far too scared to do - I went freelance and, fingers crossed, it's actually going really well.

I used to think I would never love my DS, it made me feel sick with sadness and I was so disappointed by the way I felt. I now feel totally different - he is 16 months, beautiful, funny, cheeky and I adore the v bones of him.

The only downer is I still have thoughts that confuse and sometimes upset me. I think it's linked to the responsibility of motherhood, and I believe it's labelled 'existential depression'. I often query why we're here, what's the point of it all etc. and long for the innocence and amazement I see in my little boy's eyes as he learns about the world. Is that just part of becoming an older and perhaps more cynical personal or is it still a hang up from PND?

Does anyone else have thoughts like this or is it just me being over-analytical?

Hi natsyloo,
No it's not just you. I've had thoughts like this ever since I can remember (about 10/11 yrs old). They did recede during puberty but by late-teens had resurfaced again. They disappeared during pregnancy and post-birth for a while (procreation became "the point") but are firmly back now. I've always been told that I'm quite pessimistic (have also been told how optimistic I am too ) and I do have a reputation for being over-analytical (even my school teachers wrote this in many of reports). I haven't heard of 'existential depression' but if that's what this in then I definitely have it in bucket loads!!

I'm used to the thoughts but I hope they don't upset you too much. Good luck with the freelancing .

Nice to hear from you again natsylou and so glad your freelancing venture is working well. I think the thoughts that you are having are not that uncommon and think they are particularly prevalent when our children are young. I don't know what "existential depression" is either - would be interested to know?

I am still climbing the hill to recovery - 80% good, 20% (Variable, some awful days, some just not good) If only I knew when the bad days were coming I could cope, but not knowing makes life difficult.....ah well should be glad the good days far exceed the bad ones. I am seeing an NHS psychologist who I like very much but not sure it is going to help with the "blips"

Also so glad to hear about your strong bond with your little boy - I thought that had always been the case though, throughout your struggle with PND.

Sending warm wishes............NNxx

Thanks for the comments - always a relief when people share your insecurities or bizarre thoughts!

NN - really lovely to hear from you. So pleased to hear you're doing so well with the ratio of good days to bad. It can be an uphill struggle with those pesky blips can't it but it sounds like you're winning.

I also wanted to thank you for supporting me through what were without doubt some of the darkest days of my life. It helped me more than you'll ever know.

Warm wishes and un-MN hugs xx

Aaaw Natsy thank you so much for your kind words. The MH thread on MN has got me through some very dark hours too. Long may we continue to support each other NNx