Please, please, please help me

[houndsoflove]

I've posted before that I was concerned that I was developing agoraphobia - I sort help from my GP and am awaiting a CBT assessment in a few weeks. Sadly, despite repeated efforts to get out of the house every day - even if its just a short walk to the park or shops - I am now making myself effectively housebound. This has all happened in such a short space of time (4 - 8 weeks) that I'm terrified that eventually my life will shrink to the size of a fucking walnut.
I have coping techniques for panic attacks including breathing control/paper bag/ rescue remedy but now I'm suffering from 'fear of the fear' IFYSWIM - I now hate going out in case i have a panic attack with my 18 month old DD, and I am TERRIFIED of passing out or losing it when I'm responsible for her.
Is this symptomatic of PND ? GP tried to diagnose me with it recently but I was unconvinced - this was before all this happened.
Please help me leave the fucking flat. I hate feeling like this and am starting to think a life lived confined isn't worth living at all - I am OBSESSED with this disorder, and going out or not going out are all I think about, without exception.
I need to go to town to get some things and I can't face the crowds, the shops, the distance from home. I can't go with DD and I can't go without her. I can barely wobble to the fucking park and I feel that she is suffering as I am, being indoors all the time. Up until recently we would go out all day every day to groups or the beach. At the moment we just play together in the lounge. How has this happened ? i used to be super confident!
I'm due to have a Hypnotherapy appointment on Wednesday -anyone had experience of Hypnotherapy for panic or anxiety disorders ? If it doesn't work I'm fucked.

I hope it goes well today with the hypnotherapy - I'm a big fan of the benefits of hypnotherapy but I think it is a very individual thing, the benefit you get will depend on all sorts of factors I think. I really hope it goes well.

I think as NanaNina says most people dread going to town at this time of year. I hate going on the bus (esp with a pushchair). I'm lucky in that I can walk and be in Waterstones in 15 mins from the house but still I'm avoiding it at the moment due to all the mad Christmas shoppers.

I think you sound a lovely mum making things with your DD (even though you are tired after a bad night). I'm always beating myself up about not doing enough with my DSs. I work freelance so they think I am surgically attached to a laptop. I have promised them we will make salt dough decorations for their teachers tonight (DS1 and DS2).

HI HofL - you haven't lost your sense of humour and your comment "I look like a 4 thousand year old Keith Richards" really made me smile. Yes I think you are going to have to apply "tough love" in your LOs case. She really shouldn't still be BFing twice in the night at 18 months - I guess it's just more the comfort of being on the breast and close to you that sends her off, but the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to break. Listen to me - I am a grandmother and wouldn't usually offer any advice to young mums as rearing babies has changed so much - I was a young mother 40 years ago! By the way what is EBF? SO pleased you and DP are going to make some changes after christmas.

Yes this town thing is looming over you like a black cloud isn't it - I still think you should put it right out of your mind. I have had times when I have been afraid to walk the 2/3 mins to our local park so I know how it feels, and in a way we feel frustrated with ourselves for being like this butI'm afraid with mental illness, it's the nature of the beast. Could your DH take you in at the w/end though it will be busy, or could he get what you need. I think you will feel differently when the pressure is off and you can make your own mind up when you go to town. Have you got anyone in RL to support you.

Sounds like you are feeling a teeny bit better with cake making and tidying. Thought your hypnotherapy was today?

Sorry, I don't agree. Surely the point of mumsnet is to share things that have worked? I'm not easily put off but if that's your approach to other people sharing things that have worked then you will put them off posting all sorts of valuable advice. I"m not for one moment saying it will work for everyone or anyone for that matter, just saying if she or anyone else doesn't already know about it , here's what worked for my daughter, it may well be worth a look. After all if I hadn't read about it on here , on another thread where someone else had posted about it I would never have found out about it and I'd still be in the same position.

jomal of course I think it's a good idea to share things on MN - that is one of the most helpful things. I was taking issue with you on your earlier post because you sounded so definite and said "this will work for you quickly" whereas what you have said in your last post is much more helpful.
Anyway don't let's spoil this thread because I think HofL is getting some useful support and understanding of her predicament.

HofL How are you - did you have your hynotherapy today or is that another day. Hope you managed to get out for a short time, though it was freezing cold here in the Midlands all day.

Hello again - just a quick update as I have to get ready for toddler group and DD is walking around in the nude and I have no make up. We're living the dream here in Brighton.

Had the hypnotherapy yesterday - it was a 90 minute session, the first hour of which was the two of us talking about how I'd been feeling, what I wanted to get from the sessions, possible root causes of panic attacks ec etc - she said that it was a good sign that the agoraphobia has happened suddenly as it can be more easily treated -as I think Antidote mentioned upthread. Then she said we'd just do a relaxation session for half an hour and she would put some suggestions in my subconscious for me. It was lovely - probably the most relaxed I'd been in two years and although I was aware of all the noise around me (clock ticking, radiator hissing etc) I didn't realise how relaxed I was until I tried to open my eyes at the end. I felt marvelous afterward, although am looking forward to the next session (next Wednesday) as that is when we can really do some work on coping mechanisms. She is also giving me a recording to listen to at home for more benefit.

Becky I know what you mean about the pushchair on the bus - that always makes me worry as well - in fact the buses round here are always packed and that can put me off as well. I miss Waterstones though, that was always my 'safe' place in town.
Nana Yes, tough love with the night weaning definitely needed I think. More sleep would beenfit us all in the long run. Am still dreading it though - I can't bear to think of DD unhappy.

Just wanted to say again how much I value all the support I've been receiving on this thread, it has really helped me to learn that I'm not alone and has also really assisted toward what I hope is my steps to recovery.

Hounds, my ds bf frequently in the night and I weaned him off at 1 year old as I had returned to work and was getting too exhausted. I did 3 days of controlled crying and he cracked it. Now controlled crying is not for everyone and I'm not advocating it as the best solution for everyone - but just wanted to say that it doesn't have to be abject misery, it is quite possible that your dd will learn that she can self soothe quite quickly.

Oh HofL your hynotherapy sessions sounds really helpful. I am thinking it is something I could try too - is there a register of accredited hypnotherapists so you know you are going to someone suitably qualified.

Houndsoflove that is exactly how I feel after hypnotherapy - it is a lovely sensation to be soooo relaxed and chilled. I love it. So pleased you had a good session.

I love Waterstones too - I take the three DSs there and we spend ages just sitting in the children's section reading books!

Becky I floated home after the session, I have to say. What was strange was that in the initial consulatation, before the relaxation bit she asked me how I would like to feel in the future. I ummed and ahhhed for a bit before shrugging and saying,
"I just want to feel fine. Not that every place I go to is a threat which I need to escape from. I want to be able to relax and enjoy my day. I want to feel fine."
During the relaxation she said to me "It's fine to feel fine, it's okay to be relaxed, it's fine to feel fine." (This was her planting a suggestion, I suspect)
Today, while I was out and about (I repeat while I was OUT AND ABOUT!!) that phrase kept reoccurring to me. "It's fine to feel fine." And I did.
Strange day. I felt almost numb, a bit stuffy headed, like I'd woken from a deep sleep. At one point I realised that it was because I wasn't spending every second with gnawing, spiralling thoughts of free-floating dread going round in my head as it has been for a while.

Madmouse Thats good to hear. We have to night wean, I think it is the only thing which will get her to sleep better, and make me stop feeling so fragile. DD is very clingy but also bright as a button, so hope she cottons on quicker than I am giving her credit for.

Nana I think its worth a try, if nothing else it can't do any harm. The only reason I gave it a go is because I've heard the waiting list for CBT can take months and I don't feel as if I have months. I'm fairly sure I'd be housebound otherwise, or living in a state of permenant high panic. Its certainly worth doing if you can afford it and could do with an alternative look at yourself. I choose the hypnotherapist on the basis that she was near to my house but also because she is a Cognitive Hypnotheraipst so works through your problem with you, preferring to find the root of the symptoms, rather than just trying to solve the symptoms themselves. I'd start here and see how you get on. Will let you know how my big session next week goes, but already I can feel an improvement.

I'm sorry I have only read your OP, but if no one else already has, I wanted to suggest Homestart. Your GP or HV can put you in touch or you can just ring them yourself.

They can talk to you about what you need, it's free, they send someone out to your house, who can do basically whatever you want help with - be it housework (for people like me who are rubbish at it!) or if you wanted a companion to walk to the park/shops with you in case you had a panic attack, they can do that too.

Just thought it might help you out. Good luck, my friend has agoraphobia and it's very hard for her I think. I have a bit of it, from time to time, but my kids are at school now which really helps as I only have to get them to school and back, so two outings a day, mainly by car to minimise contact with people, and they get a normalish existence provided by other people.

Don't fret. It will change/pass/become different or easier. Don't blame yourself.

Hi Jane so sorry to hear you're suffering too - its fucking horrible, and I don't say that lightly. I have never felt so distant from Real Life in my life.

If you get the chance read through the thread - I've had lots of good advice and reassurance and it sounds as though you will be able to relate to much of it. Its interesting about Homestart, I had no idea they provided that service and will certainly have a think about it if things degenerate. Ideally I want to be able to do things for myself as by avoiding certain situations I am reaffirming that there is reason to avoid them in the first place.

However, big things happened today - i went into town this morning - by car, but nevertheless - to pick up a tree. You should see it. It is billed as a 'baby tree' and was £6.50. It looks as though I've put a twig in a pot. No-one in their right mind was going to buy it so I have brought it home to fulfill it's Christmas destiny. After town I went to the park with DP and DD and then for lunch for two whole hours in the pub - and I felt fine. Not great, and certainly not 'normal' (whatever that this) but fine.

I read this website yesterday - thinking it may be a bit woo if I'm honest, but I found the section on panic attacks really useful - 'Distressing but not Dangerous' is worth remembering. Also read up about Depersonalisation (on the same website) which I have through sleep deprivation I think but which contributes to the anxiety. Hopefully someone may find it useful toO!

Hello HofL - thank you so much for the link you sent me a few days ago, and you cracked it and went into town and rescued a little christmas tree! Sounds like you had a lovely day with park and lunch. Do you think it made a difference that DH was with you. Be interested to hear how your next hyno sessions goes next week.

Houndsoflove that is great to hear and it sounds as if the hypnotherapy is doing it's job. It's all about retraining your subconscious, in your case that it is fine to feel relaxed and at ease. Since you've only had one session and have noticed a difference already I feel very optimistic for you :)

We're going to get our tree today. Can't wait, except for the fact it is peeing it down.

Hi HoL I really like what it says on that website about stopping panic attacks. Distressing but not dangerous is what I keep saying on here and to others. I've struggled with panic attacks for a long time and for me the absolute key is that they are as innocent as they are annoying.

Hello all, just another quick update. I managed to take DD to an art class
(Ha! Listen to me. 'Art Class' = eating paint and throwing glitter everywhere) yesterday which involved a train journey with two changes and going out of town. Felt quite emboldened by the fact that it was more of a test of myself than anything. Once I got on the first train I was fine, even though it was (a) packed and (b) running slowly.
Either way just wanted to let you know that this is a vast improvement to how marooned and housebound I felt last week - today however I feel as though I am getting a cold so just a quick visit to the park as feel quite weak and shaky - think is just cold though. Tomorrow have second 'big' hypnotherapy appointment and telephone assessment with CBT therapist so will let you know how that goes!

WOW hofl - how good are you...........this hypnotherapy sounds like it can bring about vast changes. Yes would like to hear about the next session.

Hi Nana been an up and down week since I last posted - was so excited about my 'improvement' that I fearlessly walked the five minutes up the road to the local Post Office on Wednesday and had a huge panic attack. Sigh. Think it was because I'd had a 'real' coffee that morning and was also pretty tired. I mentioned it in my Hypno appointment that afternoon and she explained to me that the feeling of panic is part of the body's way of restoring equalibrium to the system. We had another session, a longer one this time but I felt so setback by what I thought of by my 'regression' that I've rarely been out this week. luckily DP is off work now so we can go to the park together, also my mum visited (She knows about all this) and while I didn't feel able to go and meet her in town we took DD out to the park etc.
I also have a recording the Hypnotherapist gave me to listen to - I have to do it daily and at different times, and while it feels lovely and relaxing I couldn't tell you if there is any improvement from it yet.
I did think back to this thread, and about how recovery is a one-step-forward-two-steps-back process but am starting to feel really frustrated with feeling depressed and confined indoors and panicky and desperate when I go outside. I feel aggrieved by the situation I'm in, and that isn't helping. I may go back to the GP and see what they can do (have recently changed docs to one nearer my house) - I don't think anti-d's would work for this if I'm honest, although they may give me more 'balance' - I'd much rather not take them though.
Also had CBT assessment - they can't give me CBT until June 2012 as the waiting list is magnificent, and because DD isn't at risk I don't think they will fastrack me either. I think I need more patience with my recovery, otherwise I'm going to get deeply frustrated!!

Dear HoL you've taken things far too quickly - you've tried to run a marathon instead of walking small steps. You are doing fine, you are making progress. But it will take a bit of time. Go back to taking small steps forward.

What you had was not a regression!! You did something you were not quite ready for an it backfired. It's a bit like being disappointed that you still can't swim after a good session in the paddling pool (I know it's a bad comparison as you used to swim perfectly well but bear with me - I know this painful frustration at not being able to do what you want far too well).

It is good that the hypno tape makes you feel lovely and relaxed. You may soon be able to make yourself relax in different situations and that will help with the panic.

Shame that there is always such a long wait for CBT. Still accept a place on the waiting list, you can always decline later.

In the meantime have a look at mindfulness. I was given some material about it by a previous counsellor and it's really helped me with panic attack as it's taught me to shift my attention away from the panic feelings. Best of all, there are youtube videos that teach it, so it's free.

Thanks madmouse - I think the problem is that I assume the recovery begins and then just keeps on improving - ugh. I totally understand the comparison between the paddling pool and the swimming, don't worry. Think just have to prepare myself for good days and not stress over the bad ones. Think Hypnotherpay is going to work out well, and doing all my exercises (mental) that she gave me.

Funny you should mention mindfulness, my mum had cut out an article on it from the Daily M*il when she came to see me. It made really interesting reading and I think that anything which relaxes me can only be a positive improvement - also it is available on the NHS! May speak with GP about it - the CBT is a bugger, but the lady I spoke with mentioned a website called Fearfighters which is an online CBT course which you need to be refered for - think they will refer me so am going to do that too.