Don't know how to title this, maybe, I'm a fucking horrible violent nasty person who doesn't deserve children.

[Confuzzeled]

I don't really know where to start.

I think I should say, I'm going to the doctors as soon as I can get an appointment, which may be a week as I need to speak to the only doctor that I trust at my surgery.

I was close to slapping my 2 yo ds today. I had to stop myself and go outside and phone my mum. She didn't answer, so I put the kids in the car, turned up the music and drove around for 40 mins till I calmed down. I haven't come that close since before I CBT when my dd was 10mo.

Kids are 4yo (dd) and 2yo (ds). I had pnd with both and managed to come off my meds shortly after I stopped bf'ing dd but haven't managed to stop since ds. I only take 20mg fluoxatine a day, which has helped as the hormones from pregnancy and bf'ing made me have really horrible mood swings in which I felt violent.

I went on the injection when ds was 3 months old. I have put on allot of weight so I decided to come off it in September. My moods have been all over the place since then, I went to the doctor but was told it would soon settle down or I could go on the pill if my migraines stopped.

I am currently having the worst period I've had since coming off the injection, I've been having up to 3 a month. I'm having panic attacks, I can't sleep, I'm sweating all the time and my mood is so bad. I'm really really trying to keep control as I know it's just hormones.

I've lost my old CBT notes and can't remember any of the control methods I used to deal with my anger.

I've never hit either my children, I don't smack them and I have made a point of being very hands off when I get angry with them. I know I have an anger problem and I know the violence in my head isn't real but it's so fucking hard just now.

I found mn really helpful the first time this happened to me, I just really need to let it out.

I dont know what I can say to help you, but have a ((hug)) and a until someone comes along with the right thing to say.
We all get cross and feel bad at times, you are not alone by any means.

Well done for restraining yourself. That alone shows you that you are coping. You found something that would help and when that didn't work out (phoning your mum) you tried the next thing (driving around) - so you did a lot of CBT really. Don't beat yourself up and don't call yourself names.

Could you get a little break some how? Have an hour or two to yourself?
Go to a gym and thrash it out in a boxercise class?

If you need an appointment sooner I always say I need an emergeny one ASAP. You can always keep the other appointment also.

I know it doesn't make you feel better but the other day i got very close to screaming in my 5 yr olds face as my 2 yr old was nagging for something. It's bloody stressful at times.

Poor you

Go and see your GP and ask for CBT again, look on line as well their is lots of CBT course online.

everyone struggles with their kids and want to scream at them (and most I bet have struggled with not smaking them)

I was shouting loads at mine and getting upset, what really helped was a parenting course. Just gave me a really clear discipline plan that took the stress and hence the anger out of parenting.

Other things that really helped were:
1, Talking it throught with friends/family

1. Getting out the house as much as possible
2. Planning time off (never really happened for me but would have been amazing)y
3. acupuncture (sort my PMT and anxiety out)
4. deciding to look after myself a bit (excerise/food/bedtimes wise) the difference was noticable in just a few days

don't be hard on yourself having little kids is stressful at the best of times.

Poor you xx I am on fluoxetine 20mg per day and have recently also been prescribed 3*diazepam tablets per day due to anxiety leading to BET which seems to have helped immensely. My only child is 13 but I have had much upheaval in the last 12 months which has contributed to my mental state no end and I seriously could not contemplate being here without medication. Please seek help ASAP x it's not the end of the world (as I once thought)- its the beginning!

I have a 4 yr old dd & 2 yr old ds. It is very stressful at times. You are not alone. You restrained yourself which is good. We all shout at times & it is a roller coaster up & down.

Do u get anytime without the kids. A trip swimming or to the gym can be like gold dust. I had pnd after ds & take anti-ds. The same as you. I having some help with a psychologist but the gist is u need to take a bit of time for yourself, however hard u find it to do.

This is why I love mn, if I told any of my friends I'd wanted to slap a 2yo, I know they'd all treat me like I was a monster or wouldn't believe me. I'm not a monster, I have a hormone induced anger control problem. If you met me you'd be really shocked by this as I've always been such a chilled out person who is always happy and easy going. Some of the thoughts I had in the first year after having dd are so dark, I'll never repeat them to anyone, I'm still full of guilt that I felt that way. Thats really why I can never let myself go back to that place and finding myself so angry again is horrific.

I'd like to say having children has brought out the best in me but it hasn't, it's brought out a side of me I've never seen before and I hate. But I love my kids more than anything and they are the best thing to ever happen to me.

Thank you all for the hugs and positive words, it really does help.

I don't get much time to myself, dh works long hours and the time I do get I usually do housework. The kids are both usually up at night, so evenings I'm just so tired. I repeat the mn mantra of 'this too shall pass'. I should make a weekly plan to get out and do something for me, stop making excuses.

I don't think i'll get an emergency appointment as that just gets you to see the nurse practitioner, who is great for all medical needs, but I'd like to speak to my specific gp for mental health stuff, she's really good and knows my history.

I'm going to look up a parenting course, I think I could use the help and I'd like to understand my kids better.

Tralala,

1. I talk to my lovely mum every day.
2. I make sure I'm out doing something every day, this has been my saviour in the past.
3. Time off would be lovely
4. Acupuncture??? I'm pathetically scared of needles. I give blood regularly, I had bloods taken all the way through both pregnancies and I still almost vomit every time I see those spiky metal buggers.
5. *This is what I need, a good diet, sleep ad more exersize.

SilentBod, sending hugs back, it's not the end of the world is another of my mantra's.

Coffee, I do scream sometimes, I think I'd be (more) mad if I didn't. Your right though about the time to yourself aspect though, it does give you perspective.

Think I've answered everyone. Thanks

i can relate to a lot of what's been said and am really interested in the accupuncture, definately sounds like it's worth a try.

i had my first depo injection a couple of months ago and am trying to work out if/how it's affecting me. the sweating....it's rediculous!! i'm feeling better feeling like i can blame it all on my hormones now!

i listened to something the other day about dealing with anger and starting by forgiveness. i'm still feeling too angry and resentful to fully forgive but am working on it and hoping that'll help.

I could have written your post. I have PMDD (severe PMT) which makes me feel massively uptight, short-fused and angry at certain stages of my cycle- I can virtually feel the hormones raging around. It's horrible and you feel like a miserable cow. BUT you are a very good Mum because you are on here letting off steam, rather than taking it out on the kids, and you are holding your hands up to it and wanting help. I take 20mg fluoxetine a day, in the run up to my period, and it really really takes the edge off.

Recently I've been under a huge amount of stress and emotional strain, and i had a melt down at the Gps, a fortnight ago. Sobbed all over her desk, very undignified. She was lovely. So get thee to thy GP and stop beating yourself up - you're doing a brilliant job.

Time for yourself is essential - squashy sofa in Starbucks with a good book does it for me. Regularly.

Yes totally echo the last post hence my nickname but I know it's not easy if you don't have local support, any spare cash or the energy to look after yourself but let us know on this thread how you are getting on. No one in real life really knows about me being on anti-d and that each day can bring its struggles but know you are not alone x

Hi Confuzzled. I had PND with my first child which lasted for 2 years and was horrific. I had such terrible anger towards him and my DH (never smacked him but often had to out him in his cot or playpen and go into the garden and have a cigarette - awful, as I gave up properly smoking years ago ). Just wanted to say I have some understanding of what you ate going through.

I didn't get on with meds at all (made me feel dreadfully spaced out) but I had CBT and also went to yoga and learned meditation, which I now practice daily. I have learned my triggers and to identify when I am building up to feeling awful again, and ait has helped enormously, as I now know when i need to ask for help/meditate/exercise/get some time out etc.

Please get some help. Talk frankly to your GP and be honest about how you feel.

Good luck x

Rather than the ogre you paint yourself to be you come across as a responsible parent trying your best to get it right. Please give yourself some credit for overcoming that urge to hit your 2 yr old. I hope you get some help to deal with your anger soon because apart from anything else it is making you unhappy. Kids want happy parents as much as parents want happy kids.
It's fairly normal to feel like slapping your kids now and then, the significant thing is what you do about it. And it seems to ne that you're doing quite well given the resources you have.

I have a 5 and 3 YO (hence have done the 2/4 bit). I have never had any kind of depression but on a number of occassions have been driven to distraction by my two.

I have not hit them but mainly because they get sent to their rooms (or strapped in the buggy if out) to give myself some physical distance. PMT times i have FAR less patience than normally.

Honestly, you sound like the mum of any 4/2 yr old i know, please don't make yourself out to be an ogre - you are doing just fine

Re expense of coffee, being something of a tightwad, I have worked out that if you hava a Starbucks card and load it up with £10, you get a mug of filter for £1, and a free refill. So 50p per mug. It's amazing how long I can make those 2 mugs last.............

Confuzzeled - How are you doing now? Hope you are feeling a bit better and it was just a dip.
minxthemanx - I didn't know that about the coffee at starbucks. I am going to try that!

Thanks all. I'm okay, have a had a few dips but feeling better for having got on mn and bared my soul.

It's not like when you get annoyed with your kids and feel angry, then it goes away. It's a building hatred, much much darker than I'd like to talk about. The thoughts I get, the things I feel like doing are vile.

I made an appointment with the doctor, next week was the soonest I could do without the kids.

Also had a fantastic friend over today, had a big chat and a hug. We vowed to look after each other and phone each other when we need to. She is living with a very depressed partner who was violently abused as a kid. He has raised his hand to her but controlled himself and she has helped him by getting him counselling and just offering him love and understanding. So I know I can trust her.

Anyway DS has been nuts today, he's hit his sister, me, his little friend, whinged about everything and wee'd on the floor. I've got annoyed but kept it together and said or felt like doing anything bad.

I also looked up CBT and I seem to have already built allot of it into my coping strategy as it is. Not sure more will help, maybe I need psychotherapy.

confuzzeled - dont get too hung up on the hoorors in your head - it is all part of the illness - they are called "intrusive thoughts" and are not real - do not feel guilty try to just bat them away...you are doing really well