Is it normal to have these thoughts?

[wellybobs]

I suffer from depression and am taking ADs (Mirtazapine). Recently I have been fantasising in a 'not really gonna do it way' about what it would be like to take too many of my tablets and not wake up. I have thoughts of just having a lovely sleep (am exhausted) and thoughts of just waking up in hospital and people around me realising how bad I feel and maybe escaping.

I hate my job. It makes me cry every single day. I feel sick going to work and I cry every night. I want to leave and I talk about leaving so much that dh tells me to shut up as it is making him depressed. I might be able to leave this summer if dh's job goes well, but if it doesn't I can't contemplate staying. At the moment, not being here at all seems like an attractive option, but I know it isn't really. I wouldn't leave my dcs.

Yes it's very common to think like this when you have depression. I have depression and often have these kind of thoughts like you, but sort of know I wouldn't do it (I think it's called suicide ideation) Sometimes I long to have a painless heart attack in the night.

Are you sure it's the job that makes you cry every day or the depression, which seems more likely. Feeling sick is usually a symptom of anxiety and it is a horrible feeling. Are your ADs giving you any relief because if they're not, you maybe need to see the GP about getting the dose increased or changing the meds.

I know so well the "not being here" is such an attractive proposition and I have read many MNs on the MH threads saying the same kind of thing. It isn't so much as wanting to die is it, more just wanting all this to end. Many Mns talk about wanting to run away and become invisible or disappear and I often feel like that, so it was a relief to know others feel like that too, makes you feel less isolated.

It's wierd because we don't feel like this with a physical illness but it is certainly a symptom of depression, which in my view is a most horrid horrid illness, and can't be understood by anyone who has not experienced it.

I don't know if it is the job or just the depression. Probably both - I was depressed on Mat Leave.

The ADs were prescribed specifically for intense anxiety. I had two days where I couldn't sleep, eat or sit still and had to have a couple of days off work. The ADs lessened that and were great for a while.

Now I feel anxious, sick and panicky again. I really don't think work helps, so if I can leave it will be a plus. However, i just feel so detached from everyone and everything. When I talk to people I feel a bit spaced out, as if I'm not really there.

I really try to be a good mother and I love my dcs. But being a bit spaced out doesn't help. I'm just going through the motions.

My dh doesn't understand - he is irritated by me. I have absolutely no sex drive whatever - haven't so much as kissed him in 18 months, so he must be fed up of me (not that he says anything).

I think I could go up - I'm already on 30mg, so a fairly high dose, but they make me utterly exhausted. Increasing the dosage would exacerbate this; when I'm already struggling to get up for work.

Thank you for answering - it is nice to talk as no one in real life wants to hear it.