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Mental health

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Original poster

Anxiety, purging, I am rubbish :(

16 replies

losingtheplotagain · 02/12/2011 21:18

I have been feeling really stressed recently, old eating disorder stuff has been kind of nice really, just restricting and a lot of exercise, it is nice to have something to hold on to. Enjoying the weightloss but insanely paranoid about my health and the effects of this on my children. I'm so anxious at the moment about things.

Now I have just purged for the first time in two years. I am so angry with myself. Ate again straight after anyway, it is the quickest route to becoming a fucked up and rather large person again :( It was all so easy in that moment.

IDK the point of posting this, part of me is all pro at the moment anyay, but I know that is selfish. I am an idiot.

OP posts:

wellybobs · 02/12/2011 22:47

I have bulimia. On and off. Off this week, but only due to a throat infection that made purging impossible. If I know I can't purge I don't binge.

You're not an idiot at all. I know how hard it is :(

UnlikelyAmazonian · 03/12/2011 00:20

I am going to join . feel like hell.

PastGrace · 03/12/2011 00:32

You're not an idiot. You managed two years, so this isn't you reverting to the old you, this is you making a mistake.

I'm sure those two years weren't easy, but you can do it again.

One of my friends is really struggling with bulimia at the moment. The other week she made it six days without a binge/purge and I was so, so proud of her because it's unusual for her to go two days. I keep telling her that every single day she manages is an achievement. You managed TWO YEARS. That's great. And you can do it again. Think back to how desperate you were two years ago, and remember how far you've come.

Original poster

losingtheplotagain · 03/12/2011 08:11

Thank you all so much for the understanding. It is so hard.
I have been 'borderline normal' with food for quite a while now so this has caught me off guard really.

I was really bad before b/p'ing many times a day, I really don't want to go there again, it was hell. Also my DC's dad is dead, even though he was useless it is quite an extra impetus not to have suicidal habit for the sake of my children.
But despite all that, it is comforting and part of me still revels in it :(

Wellybobs and UnlikelyAmazonian - I hope you are both okay, post more to talk if you want? x

OP posts:

Original poster

losingtheplotagain · 03/12/2011 16:49

Just done it again. I don't know what the hell has come over me :(

OP posts:

PastGrace · 03/12/2011 18:30

. You're stressed and it seems like an easy solution. You have wonderful children so you have something to motivate you. Don't let this throw you. Pick yourself up, and remind yourself that it is just a mistake. It's not you becoming the old you again, and you don't ever have to go back there.

Did you/are you/can you get professional help? If you had some in the past might it help to go back just for a bit?

I don't really know how to help you, but hated this to go unanswered.

Original poster

losingtheplotagain · 03/12/2011 20:10

Thanks. I am on prozac but have been reducing my dose (over the last 18 months...no big drops recently), but I think I need to go back up.

I don't really know what anyone could say to help, but I appreciate your answer.

I have just purged again, this time having binged first, sort of, a mini binge anyway.

I have a dr apt about my meds on Wednesday, I usually dread and avoid that kind of thing but this time I really need it asap, I am freaking myself out.

OP posts:

jan2011 · 05/12/2011 20:54

hey. im so sorry you are struggling. maybe if you try to plan what you are going to eat and if you feel it coming on that you want to purge have a list of distractions handy? maybe because you have been restricting your body a lot, you might not be able to cope as well as usual cos you are not getting proper nutrition, and also your bodywill just want to binge. it might not be -im just suggesting things. i really hope the doctors helps and if you up your prozac that it helps too - ihope you are ok try to keep going and see who you have to support you at this time

Original poster

losingtheplotagain · 05/12/2011 21:10

Thanks Jan. I am definitely in binge mode atm having been restricting, I only ever manage restriction for a couple of months, which I suppose is good. I have just binged on healthy stuff so I am gluing myself to the sofa to avoid the temptation to purge. Have already had an unhealthy binge today and then purged, and then felt like hell. I feel less inclined to purge if the food is healthy.

Am now dreading the Drs appointment - I am in a trial for coming off anti-depressants with mindfulness based cognitive therapy, as part of that I go through questionnaires with someone ever few months. I had one a couple of nights ago and as a result they have written to my GP about what I said and put 'Potential Suicide Risk' at the top of the letter in bold capitals! I have no intention to kill myself!!! I now just feel embarrassed about going!

OP posts:

PastGrace · 05/12/2011 21:50

Please don't feel embarrassed about going. And don't dread the appointment. The doctor will be supportive, and wonderful, and if they aren't then go to a new one. It's really good that your trial is being so well monitored - presumably your feelings are linked to coming off anti-depressants?

If nothing else, the record of how you have reacted might prevent someone else having to go through the same feelings. That might not be much comfort to you now, but perhaps it's a slightly more positive angle? Read your earlier post "I usually dread and avoid that kind of thing but this time I really need it asap". I'm not saying you're a potential suicide risk, but you do clearly want help (and frankly wanting it in this situation is the same as needing it), so just think of it as a way of making sure the GP takes you seriously.

Is it your regular GP?

Original poster

losingtheplotagain · 05/12/2011 21:59

Yes it is my regular GP and she knows all my ED history and stuff, but I will have to change GPs soon because I am moving.

I haven't reduced my dose for about 6 months so I don't think this is really linked to that, there is something at work that I am finding very triggering, although if I was still on a higher dose perhaps I would have found it less of a trigger. Work have noticed that I have an issue with this particular situation but they don't know the whole story at all.

OP posts:

PastGrace · 05/12/2011 22:01

I hope work are being supportive. If you are having a hard time at work and arranging to move it must be very difficult.

Good luck for your appointment

PastGrace · 07/12/2011 17:49

Evening OP. Hope your appointment was productive today

Original poster

losingtheplotagain · 07/12/2011 19:15

Thank you PastGrace. My GP has referred me to some kind of eating disorder treatment, which I am glad about, although it feels odd because I was desperate for something like this a few years ago when I was much worse. Also I probably wont hear from them for ages anyway. I have also been put back on 1 a day prozac too.

Had a meeting with my line manager at work today - she is being very nice, but is not happy about my 'teenage attitude', I do get all teenage when I am like this, I really need to pull myself together, at least at work. I have agreed to go to occupational health about counselling and ended up telling her about the meds, as I felt I needed to prove that I will be pulling myself together :-/

Binge purged once today, am annoyed with myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

losingtheplotagain · 07/12/2011 21:49

Spent the whole evening binging again. Haven't purged, I am so scared about having a heart attack. However now I am weighing this against stomach rupture. I am such a pig :(

OP posts:

PastGrace · 07/12/2011 22:47

You're not a pig at all. You're on medication, because it is an illness. It's not you being weak at all, and even if you do have a "teenage attitude" that's not you either. It's a result of the illness. This isn't your fault.

I'm really pleased you're getting help - it's a shame you didn't get the eating disorder treatment previously, but hopefully this will go a little way to correcting the balance.

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