This is going to be long and complicated, but I'll try to be concise.
I have a long history of minor depression, and a whole host of socially acceptable, but personally destructive coping mechanisms. Periods of binge eating and dieting - a definite and permanent obsession with food. Overspending issues - food and possessions as treats and rewards for myself. I was married at 21, for 9 years and my negative behaviours (in conjunction with my messed-up ex's) were a large factor in the failure of my relationship. Following the breakup (while pregnant) I had 6 sessions of counselling on the NHS and feel like if I could afford to continue that I'd be able to start working through this, but alone I'm not sure where to start. I want to get proper help, I want to work through my problems and change my behaviours but past experience has convinced me that if I don't sort out the past in my head I'll never manage.
I have a mother and sister with bi-polar, an enabler for a father and a brother who has serious agression issues. They all think I'm the one with the problems / the horrible one and I cut contact with my parents around ten years ago - which I'm glad I did. Every few years one of us tries to re-establish contact between the siblings but something always happens to scupper it. I don't know where to start to describe my childhood, but I know it seriously screwed me up.
I'm on low dose antidepressants and that manage my mood swings generally very well. I don't feel like I take out moods on my children or others around me as I have in the past. Day to day I'm generally happy and I have a good life - I just want to be able to enjoy it as I could, without the negative behaviours like the overeating and the spending that could so easily wreck my life.
I've been on here for a few years, but haven't been posting much lately, however I've name changed for this as I want to be as honest as possible as I know I have issues with some highly personal stuff.
I just want to start to sort myself out, for my own sake and that of my children. Does anyone know how to start on this journey?