Hi Monkey - I have had 2 major episodes of depression - one in 1995 and one last year - both times hospitalised for 3 months. After the first one when I was put on imipramine I made a complete recovery. I stayed on the meds for 14 years and no problems at all. I had tried to reduce them myself and with 2 different GPs overseeing the reduction, but each time I had awful withdrawal symptoms so went back on the full dose and was ok again. Thing was the medics said it was a return of the depression, not withdrawal effects from the drug. Eventually I came off them in 2009 with the help of a psychologist and reduced very gradually, but within 4 months the depression started again, for no apparent reason and I was really ill again and went into hospital Easter 2010 and immediately put back on imipramine.
This time it has been different - I am still on a high dose of the meds and there is no doubt they saved my life as I was very suicidal and had made a plan. However I have not made a full recovery, I can go for weeks feeling fine and then bang - the depression is there again (like today) thugh feel bit better as day goes by. The psychiatrist says this sometimes happens with people my age (67) and the setbacks or blips as they are called sometimes stop altogether and sometimes not. I think in my case it is the latter. I score every day and add the totals at end of each quarter and since the 1st quarter of this year my good days have slowly risen from 66% to 75% to 80% so I know I am slowly climbing the hill but sometimes stumble on a rock or miss my footing. Even the bad days aren't the same - some are horrendous and I cry most of the day and sometimes they aren't that bad. It does mean I don't really have any control over my life and can't make arrangements cus never know if I will be ok, though family and friends understand this.
I am fortunate to have a loving DP and no small children to look after as so many young mums out there are struggling with this horrid horrid illness and have to care for young children too.
I notice you say you are feeling angry with yourself because you were so well a month or two ago and now are back feeling awful - I'm afraid it is the nature of the beast and recovery from depression is not linear, it ebbs and flows and has ups and downs and none of the medics know why. I don't think there is much research done into brain disorder.
Don't beat yourself up love but I know how hard it is to keep yur thoughts balanced. Have you tried CBT. My CPN introduced me to it, but it wasn't that helpful, but lots of MNs have found it really helpful. In essence it is a way of helping to stop the spiralling negative thoughts that affect our mood - make us worse and is no good for us - CBT aims to teach us how to have more balanced thoughts to break the cycle. All seems fine when I am ok but when I'm not I can't be bothered with it.
You are probably a young woman and you should have every chance of getting better if you give it a bit more time. I think people come off ADs too soon to be honest. I know I stayed on mine far too long, but if the meds help then why try to stop.