Alcoholic relapse - is 'tough love' really appropriate in this situation?

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Please excuse the name change.

A close and much-loved friend of mine is going through a nasty break up and is faced with having to move her and her pre-school aged child out of the family home before Christmas. It was a true bolt out of the blue late last week and she has understandably taken it very hard. Up until this point she was a recovered alcoholic but is now drinking again to varying degrees and I have taken her child a few times when she has been unable to protect her from this. My view has been that if my husband left me in the same circumstances I may not reach for the bottle but I would certainly have times where I would need time to grieve for the loss of the relationship away from my own children.

Last night her mother called me (about a semi-unrelated matter) and advised me to stop 'enabling' her behaviour. When she battled alcoholism previously I was advised by a support worker to support her but let her experience the consequences of her drinking which I did as best I could, but this seems a little harsh when she is barely a week into mourning the loss of her relationship and home. (FWIW her relationship with her mother is patchy)

I am in turmoil. I want to support my beautiful, brave, kind friend as best I can but I don't know how.

It's true that you aren't doing her any favours by allowing her to drink (she presumably wouldn't do it if she was in charge of her child). But I do understand you wanting to give her some practical support at such a difficult time.

I think you need to make it clear to her that you are happy to look after her child for other reasons but not just so she can drown her sorrows in a bottle. Drinking won't help her through the awful time she's having - it will only add to her problems.

Thanks for your reply. The sad thing is I'm sure sure it's exactly a 'choice' for her as she does drink (although not so much I think) when her child is there. I'm trying not to spill her entire life over the internet but I should probably add that as soon as she relapsed she contacted social services and put herself and her child back under their care so her child is safe.

Can I be really rude and ask whether you've experienced alcoholism and, if so, what would have worked best for you? You don't have to answer of course!!!

I've just read this back and it looks like I'm dismissing your advice - which I'm not at all. I'm just not very eloquent tonight :(

Your poor friend and her poor daughter. My personal opinion is that you should ignore your friend's mum. She already has a difficult relationship and I think that her mum is adding fuel to the fire.

It's true that drinking won't help your friend and you need to say that to her, but I'd still look after the daughter as you have - for a little while at least. Your friend has so much on her plate and she needs to regain her balance. How cruel to have to leave your home by Christmas? You say that she has informed Social Services which to me suggests that your friend is trying to fight, but just sometimes gets overwhelmed.... Not that it's an excuse to go on a bender, but your friend needs some time and support - is she having counselling?

Sorry I just got back to the thread.

Yes I do have experience but not myself - my dh is a battling alcoholic. I have been to al-anon for support (you may find this useful yourself actually) and the stuff your friend's mum is saying is exactly the kind of advice they give. I suppose in a way, I enable my DH's drinking in the same way as you, because when he is drinking I'm there for our dc. And when children are involved it's impossible to leave them exposed to the effects of a parent's drinking (therefore forcing the drinker to face up to those effects) when another option - ie you - is available. But if my dh knew he was in sole charge of them, he just wouldn't drink.

If your friend is drinking whilst in charge of her dd I would be seriously worried about them both.

Well she has a good friend in you.

My mum is an alcoholic and has been for about 12 years. I could tell you a hundred stories and examples of alcoholism and the effects on the alcoholic, the family,and the children.

But, I'll keep it short.

Just as people are different as individuals, alcoholics are different, and will react in different ways.

If I was in your shoes I would take the child/children if I thought she was in no fit state to look after them - alcohol or none, as it has only been a week into a break up and ANYONE would need a break from the kids at this time to 'sort their head out / grieve etc'.

However, alcoholics ARE selfish, irrational and cannot control their alcohol intake. They quite often need to be given a 'shake' as it were in to reality and realise they have responsilities and their actions have consequences - whether they think they do or not.

I would not offer to look after the children after two weeks. That imo, is time enough for self pity and self indulgent behaviour. Children come first, mum is second.

Give your support. Speak to her every day. Be there if she needs you. But you cannot mother a mother. She has to stand up to her role as a mother and lead by example.

You cannot do her job as a mother, nor will her children want you too.She has lost a partner she could replace, the children are now from a broken family which is not replaceable imo.

Support her but don't support her drinking. (sorry very harsh sounding I know)