I don't really know what I'm doing

[MudAndGlitter]

I feel like I'm floating just watching my life spiral and I can't stop it. I'm a crap mum, I go through the motions but I feel useless. I have days when I'm happy and energetic and want to do so much with them and then days when i don't give a fuck and just want to run away.

I got carried away with the Xmas shop and didn't even fully realise how much until the boxes started arriving so now I have credit card debt. I'm snappy and miserable for no reason and I hate it.
I'm on anti d's which help a little bit but not a great deal. I just feel so up and down all the time and it terrifies me. Im convinced DS is going to die even though he's perfectly healthy and I hate myself for it. I shouldn't think about all this morbid stuff I should be enjoying my kids but I don't know how.

You sound like you need a lot of help to get yourself back on track. I felt like this about a year ago after work stress and family bereavement and I still have days when I feel anxious and struggle to get out of bed. I've also overspent, overate and drank too much from time to time- if you can't make your credit card payments then you should contact the Citizen's Advice Bureau and they can help you budget and contact creditors if necessary. You may need different medication and some therapy/counselling. Please go back to the doctors and try not to bottle things up- if you have a friend you can confide in or a confidential helpline- talking about your feelings is so helpful. Good luck.