How to get over this

[dreadfulguilt]

Have namechanged as I may well be outed.. In a nutshell, I was the worst sort of appalling mother to my eldest, now grown up dd. I was a mentally abusive alcoholic. I never physically hurt her, but I put her through hell . I am now well, and still feel bad everyday. She says she has forgiven me but how do I forgive myself? Me and her dad split up when she was very small and I am now very happy with a new dh and more children - who I feel I am giving the world to - so scared I may be like I was with her again. She has told me exactly how she felt; how awful I was and how she knows it wasn't 'me', but I cannot stop the guilt. I know it's not helping anyone, but what do I do?? I have suffered appalling depression in the past (I guess a lot of that illness also made me be so dreadful to her...) and am scared it will happen again. It's almost like my brain is fixated on the past.

Your enormous guilt reflects how well you are now - you are fully understanding the consequences of your actions and that is brilliant. I admire you for being brave enough to face up to it all and discuss it with your daughter.

You have done a big and important thing by letting her tell you how you made her feel and listening to that. She has forgiven you, freely. And that means that it is time for you to start thinking about forgiving yourself. Not all at once, forgiveness is a journey.

Beating yourself up for what happened is as pointless as it is natural and tempting. It doesn't help you or your daughter.

Don't be afraid (or feel too guilty) to have some counselling to help you come to terms with the past. Just because you made your daughter suffer doesn't mean that you are not suffering too. And deserving of help. You have come a long way and I bet your daughter is proud of you.

thank you. I know I am in such a different place to how I was then, walthough I equally know it could fall apart again, though I hope not . It's just so hard to stop feeling awful about it.. She's told me more about how she really felt lately, and while I respect her for that, it really makes me feel even worse. Maybe counselling would help. I've had it before but never really stuck with it. Perhaps now it's the right time.