I can't cope anymore

[StarsAreShining]

I just feel like I can't cope right now. I really feel like I can't cope. I recently made a post in the relationships thread about how my relationship with my partner seems to be breaking down. But it's not just that. This has made me confront all of the underlying problems. I don't know how I'm going to be able to get up in the morning. I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday. First one ever. Been putting it off for years. I wish it was now. Wednesday seems a lifetime away and I can't cope with life anymore. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up for a very long time. How can I get up with my son in the morning? I've struggled with it for years, but I've always just forced myself to keep going and going. And now I don't know how. Everything is wrong. I don't even feel that I have the energy to go to bed now. Can't sleep. I've lost weight cos I've barely eaten for five days. Have physical pains. I just can't cope any longer. And I hate what I've done to my partner. He doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. The person he fell in love with disappeared. Taken over by this evil, evil illness :( How did my life get so bad? What did I do to deserve this?

I am a single parent to a very demanding only child. He will not play alone, no matter what I do. I've tried many things when I was feeling a bit stronger and more able to cope. And nothing worked. And I have to get up in the morning and face him and try not to cry. I have to pretend i'm ok and pretend I am coping with life. And I'm not. I cannot take it anymore. I don't know what to do :( The past eight years of my life have just been a living hell. Absolute hell. I don't know what I did to deserve feeling so bad for such a long time :(

Oh you poor love. You will get up in the morning, even if it takes every ounce of will power. You probably don't need me to tell you you are depressed, and quite badly by the sound of it. Why have you struggled so long and never seen a GP.......no wonder you are in such a state. Has something happened recently to make you feel so much worse.

Anyway the important thing is you now have a GP appt and you must absolutely must, tell him/her how bad you are feeling. Write it down if you can - in a list so it is easy to read. You will probably start to cry but that's ok and don't forget your are not going to be telling the GPhe/she hasn't heard hundreds of times before. You need help NOW.

Post again as there is lots of help on the MH thread, as we are all suffering from some kind of mental illness. I know from first hand experience the horror of depression, but meds helped me up from the depths of a black pit.

Let us know how you get on at the GP

I wimped out of going. I promised my partner I'd go so many times over the years and then made excuses every single time. He basically told me the other day that if I don't go, he will end things right now. We don't have fun together anymore. He's now really down whenever he's around me. His feelings towards me have changed because I am completely unrecognisable. I have been entirely selfish and drained the life from him. Have no friends, so he's been everything to me and I've ruined his life. Just taken and taken and taken some more. Every single day of my life has been a struggle and I've leaned on him so heavily for so long. And he's finally admitted that he's really, really unhappy and doesn't know whether he'll ever be able to feel the same way about me. That's what's set it off really. I told him about three weeks ago that i'd see a doctor. Started drafting out a letter. Never did it. Have an actual appointment on Wednesday. Don't know how I'm going to cope. There is nothing which will make me feel better at the moment.

The really bad thing is that I'm actually much better than i have been in the past. And this isn't the first time I've posted in this forum. But i still did nothing. I stopped believing that I was a real person and thought that nothing I did mattered because my actions didn't have consequences. Then started to believe that I was invisible some of the time. Was walking around and actually thought i was invisible. Tried to build up the courage to kill myself but couldn't go through with it. I'm just so sick of life. I look at everyone else and how happy they are for no reason and their relationships and the relationships with their kids and I am so jealous. Why can't that be me? Why was I made broken? Everything's just too hard and I'm about to lose the only person I've been close to. He was my best friend for years. We've spoken every single day since we were kids :( I don't even know how to start feeling normal again. I have been feeling more positive lately and been doing some really good stuff. And here I am again for no real reason. Back where I started. I just don't know where to find the energy to keep myself going anymore. I don't know how to go on living and coping when I'm in so much pain.

How long will it take for anti-depressants to start working? I'm desperate for something now. I've been trying to change my life. I just can't do it alone anymore. I've been trying so hard. I hate the person I've become.

Hi stars. I've been where you are. Please go to the doctors. If you think you won't be able to explain then write a note, doesn't have to be a well thought out letter, just " please help me I'm desperate" would be a good start. You would be amazed at how antidepressants can help. It will take one to two weeks before you notice a real difference but the fact that you are getting help will make you feel better immediately.

Does your partner understand the severity of your feelings. Could he come with you, or try to organise counselling/ help with your child?

You can recover from this but you are right, you need to ask for help. It won't always be like this, and one day you will be happy and glad you sought help.
Xxx

Yes, my partner understands. But the situation's complicated. He can't come with me or help out with my son. I'd rather not go into it all here because it's so draining to talk about it all. I just want to feel ok again. I just want to feel like a proper person for just one hour. That would make me happy.

We're in the middle of what's probably the complete breakdown of our relationship right now. I can't rely on him to help me out. He can't take things anymore.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Can you watch something funny on YouTube to take your mind off it for a moment. I don't mean to sound flippant, but listening to audiobooks used to calm me down and cut off the negative thought spiral sometimes. Jeeves and Wooster used to do it for me.

You can't do much right this minute, so try to relax, knowing that you have a plan (doctors). Are you up to ringing homestart? If not then jot it down on your note to give to the doctor.

Be kind to yourself x

I don't have any audiobooks. I don't know. Everything reminds me of him. Every bloody thing I do. I'm in the middle of a book at the moment. A book which is his and we've been discussing as I've been reading it. Kind of spoilt it for me now. I've arranged to see a friend today. Well, she hasn't been a particularly close friend before now, but she's turned out to be a lifeline. She also has experience of being a single parent, being in a long distance relationship and mental health problems. So I'm hoping she might just understand. I know that people can't really make me feel any better, but it seems helpful just to talk to people. I just don't know what to do. Nothing is ok anymore :(

I've just looked up the number for my local home start. I feel like a failure. I've been trying to turn my life around lately. The problem I have is that I try to cope with everything alone. But I have made some positive changes. There are people in my life who have no idea of how I've been feeling for years. I'm really good at hiding it and pretending. I mean, there have been times when I've found it a struggle to dress and wash and feed my child at appropriate times. The house has been filthy and full of rubbish and mouldy stuff. Not for quite some time now though. We have a much better life now. But people would have had no idea that that was going on. I'm a very bright person and people just assume that I'm ok. Just feel like such a failure for finally having to tell everyone everything and lean on them all so much. I've just been trying so hard lately. I do think I'm quite a good parent now. I cope. I have forced myself into a routine to help myself. We go out to a few places every week, which is something I never thought would happen. I never thought I'd be able to do that. I used to just cry and stay in the house all the time. We literally never went out. And I try to tackle bigger things. My son is doing very well academically. His behaviour is good. We have a fruit and veg star chart and he has his own little chores which he's rewarded for. But I really have to force and force and force myself to keep doing all of this. So I just feel a bit like I don't need the help of homestart, or I might be taking it away from people who really need it. Because things aren't as bad as they've been. You know, they'll come around to my fairly clean hosue and see my child is obviously cared for and looked after. And they'll think that I don't need any support and that I'm wasting their time.