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Mental health

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Original poster

So sad

17 replies

comealongnow · 28/11/2011 20:01

I just wanted to write out my feelings.

I hate my job, I feel so sad that I do, but I really do. I am trapped there because I am not very good so I can't get a reference to leave. I used to love it but I started somewhere new and it is all wrong for me.

I feel sick when I think about work. I cry when I talk about it. I am paralysed with fear and worry. When I drive home I think about crashing the car so I don't have to deal with it all any more. I wish my husband would go away so I could cut myself to make myself feel better.

I am so sad.

OP posts:

OnlyWantsOne · 28/11/2011 20:03

Oh honey

Is there any one in RL that you can talk to

I'm here. Talk to me x

Original poster

comealongnow · 28/11/2011 20:11

My hsuband is very nice but I don't feel I can tell him how bad I feel because he will worry. Everyone knows I am finding work horrible. It is difficult because I want to leave but I really can't :( I am just not myself any more.

I wish I didn't want to cut myself but I really do. I won't though.

OP posts:

Upwardandonward · 28/11/2011 20:15

Have you thought about talking to your GP about how you're feeling? I hear that it's hard for you right now.

Original poster

comealongnow · 28/11/2011 20:19

I am scared to, some days I feel ok and then others I have huge wobbles. I felt ok last week. I have been advised to go to my GP about my stress but that is difficult.

I have a (long :() history of self harm and I am very distressed that this is what is happening with me. Last time they said if I kept doing what I was doing I would need plastic surgery and that sort of self harm is the only thing that would be ok for me right now. It is very hard to be so horrid to yourself. I am very unforgiving and a perfectionist so it is so hard that I am not succeeding at my job.

OP posts:

OnlyWantsOne · 28/11/2011 20:47

I think that a trip to a friendly GP is what you need. Or some one at work?

madmouse · 29/11/2011 12:19

What makes you think that you cannot get a reference? Have you had written warnings? Capability procedures? Or is this your perfectionistic self telling you that you would never give yourself a reference?

OnlyWantsOne · 29/11/2011 16:12

How are you today OP?

Original poster

comealongnow · 29/11/2011 22:01

Hi thank you for asking about me, I had a terrible day today, feel very very down and want to hurt myself (punishment).

I have had a nice hot shower and my lovely husband bought me a Thai take away.

I am not in work tomorrow so that is nice, time to relax. When I am not thinking about work I feel ok again.

I feel so :( at how unwell and off I feel. So depressing.

OP posts:

strawberry17 · 30/11/2011 09:58

What is it about your work that's making you feel so dreadful? are you being bullied? is the work itself really stressful? perhaps if you tell us more about it. Could you look around for another less stressful job?

Original poster

comealongnow · 30/11/2011 12:46

I went to my GP today and he said i was depressed and signed me off for two weeks. He said all my feelings of failure were because I was depressed. I think they are because I have failed.

I have a stresseful job but it has not affected me like this before. I don't want to say my job but I am on strike today.

OP posts:

CakePigeon · 30/11/2011 16:29

OP I hope you are alright. I haven't posted here before but I could have written your post. I am also trapped in a job I loathe and cry on the way to work and I am angry and upset all weekend at the thought of going back each Monday. I sit at my desk in a haze.
I have never self harmed but I was diagnosed with depression earlier in the year and had counselling which I found helpful. You might benefit from that as I found it good to just talk about it to someone who doesn't have an agenda - my DH doesn't understand at all and gets annoyed with me for crying about a job he doesn't think is that bad and so having someone to talk to about it was good. I also went to the GP even though I felt that he would dismiss me, like DH does, but it was the best decision I could have made. I hope you have a similarly helpful GP and get the help you need

strawberry17 · 30/11/2011 21:28

I'm glad you've been signed off for a couple or weeks, give you a breather. Sounds like a downward spiral, crap job making you feel depressed, feeling depressed making the crap job feel even more crap.

tizwas · 30/11/2011 21:36

I'm so sorry you feel this way - I felt really sad for a long time but once I had got out of my job (being underminded by boss a thousand times a day) and put time and space between myself and the person, I realised that it was doing serious damage in a psychological way. I am now in a different place altogether and I am a happy person. If there is anyway you can find the support to move on from this then do so. Your husband sounds like he really cares for you so he may be relieved that you just want to leave, even if that means a financial burden.

Original poster

comealongnow · 01/12/2011 08:50

I rang my manager today and she was very nice about me being off. I feel weird not being at work but I think I need the time to clear my head.

Thank you for all of the kind replies on this thread. I am very lucky to have a fantastic family and lovely friends and I know I can get through this blip.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 01/12/2011 08:59

It definitely sounds like depression to me. None of us is going to convince you that things aren't as bad as they seem because for you they are that bad, no matter what anyone else thinks. The only thing I can say is that you are very unwell and you have to give yourself a chance to recover. It's great that you have some time off. Is there any chance you could go on anti-depressants or get some counselling? Is there anyone you can talk to in real life?

I found the Samaritans brilliant when I was depressed. I just rang them whenever I felt at the end of my tether. Their number is 08457 90 90 90.

Keep posting here if it helps.

Original poster

comealongnow · 01/12/2011 09:07

My GP has referred me for CBT, I have had TA In the past so it will be interesting to see how that pans out :)

He prescribed me anti-depressants (20mg citalopram) but I am unsure about taking them for various reasons. I am a very reactive person mental health wise, I don't know if it is a chemical thing for me.

I think therapy will be very positive for me.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 01/12/2011 09:22

It might be worth giving the tablets a go. I used to very against anti-depressants until I was depressed myself. They did have some not very nice side effects but I think they helped me to get to a point where I could pull myself out the rest of the way if that makes sense. I was on fluoxetine (Prozac) and never went above 20 mgs before I felt well enough to come off them and I haven't needed them since.

Glad you've got counselling organised. I hope it works really well for you.

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