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Original poster

everyone thinks Im strong but I dont feel it

14 replies

MrsMiggins · 05/01/2006 22:53

cried at work today - I mean really blubbed

Everyone thinks and wants me to be so strong but I just cant help it

Im so upset that my family has been torn apart

my H didnt even want to try counselling
maybe that says more about him than me but it hurts so much

everything is goiung to be a battle
money;access

just pretend everything is fine but the last couple of nights Ive just ended up in floods of tears

even watching BB has upset me cos we used to watch that together
at least I didnt txt him but was tempted

just cant face losing my children at weekends to him
not what I signed up for when I got married

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 05/01/2006 22:59

oh lovely I've seen other threads of yours and not posted on them. it's such early days, you are going to feel duff at times. Don't feel pressurised into being strong for other people's sakes.

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 09/01/2006 21:12

Choice tonight
gym & pay babysitter £5
no gym & drink bottle of wine £5

guess which won

mediation on Wed by myself so I can see what its all about
H seeing solicitor next week so worried that everything will kick off

every time he speaks to me hes so friendly - either he has completely switched off emotionally and now sees me as a friend OR he is trying to be nice in the hope I will drop divorce & beg him to come back
all very confusing

just have no motivation tp get up in the morning

sorry if that sounds selfish but thats how I feel
people just think "good old Mrs Miggins - shes so strong"

just want to run away

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 09/01/2006 21:33

go for the icecream next time rather than the wine, wine and feeling down isn't a very good combination....

hope the mediation is helpful.

accept for the moment that things are stressful; but in a year's time you will be so much stronger for what you are going through now. Of course it's horrible to be going down the divorce route. have you had any counselling yourself (Relate or otherwise?)

galaxy · 09/01/2006 21:34

Try tpo avoid the wine. Dh turned to gin when things got too much for him when his ex left. I came along and threw all the spirits out of the house.

You need to be positive for the children's sake

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 09/01/2006 21:44

I am being strong - am happy as larry all day infront of kids & friends & famikly....just when kids in bed I just collapsed exhausted and find it hard to look after myself

thats all

in a way it would be easier if H was horrible or cold towards me but being friendly just makes it so confusing - can 9 yrs really be switched off so quickly?

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 09/01/2006 21:45

fair enough to put up a "front" in front of the kids - but can you talk honestly/rant/rave/wail to any of your friends if not family?

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 09/01/2006 21:50

what can they say?
my family are equally hurt and confused by H leaving
my close friends ask me if Ive hqd the opportinuty to speak to H properly - answer no as he only comes here to see kids & then leaves as soon as he can - ffs - this Sat he came 10.30 am til 5pm - DS was still speaking to him as he carried on walking down the path

we even walked to the local supermarket on Sat afternoon - Ds on bike, DD in buggy - would have been awkard to explain that we were NOT back together if anyone had seen us
I only went cos children asked me to

I dont want to just keep saying same old thing to friends - they must be thinking "move on" now even though only been 3 months

OP posts:
galaxy · 09/01/2006 21:53

MrsMiggins. My dh is still affected by what his ex did to him and it's been 8 years now. He told me that he once curled up in a ball and cried for 5 hours in the kitchen and he still felt no better.

You are entitled to break down. You have been betrayed. It's best to let others know your true feelings rather than bottle it up or you will be like my dh and still having issues all these years later.

You deserve better

expatinscotland · 09/01/2006 21:57

Hey, MrsM, you ARE strong! That's why everyone thinks it. Strength doesn't come from standing alone. Strength comes in numbers - as in from others - too. Support. From friends, from family, from places you never knew it was inside you. It's like beauty, from inside, and others can see it as well as give it.

There're are going to be bad days. Lots of them.

But I can promise you, the good ones will outnumber the bad soon enough.

You break down! That's part of being human! You're a person, after all. Break downs are like forging iron - it gets stronger being melted down.

Big cyber (((HUGS)))

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 09/01/2006 21:57

but I have to be strong for trhe children and for my family who have struggled all of last year with the "depressed" me

and I cant let H see how down I am as he just doesnt seem to care about all the hurt

Im not a bad person or weak but just cant fathom hgow wrong I was about him

I wish he would be horrible as would be easier to hate him.

I know I shouldnt drink & that makes me worse but its just a cycle Ive slipped into while H was still with me but working away a lot - he used to phone but be very short & cold and made me feel unloved....

god I sound pathetic
thats why I cant say any of this in RL cos this is not the persona I project

OP posts:
galaxy · 09/01/2006 22:12

I have to go now but just wanted you to know that you don't sound pathetic. You sound human.

longwaytogo · 09/01/2006 22:12

MM You are a wonderful person. If he can't see that then thats his problem. As for being strong in front of others - not always the best plan of action, tell family how you feel. If you were depressed before then it should be obvious to them that your not going to be on top of the world now that he has left. I think you need to allow yourself to have bad days and praise yourself for all the ok days you've had.

wish I could do more to help you.

mummytosteven · 09/01/2006 22:13

you need to be more selfish - you need to do what it takes to get yourself better and through this year - focus on you, not on how your family copes with your depression. don't worry about their feelings;guilt about other's feelings can be part of the depression anyway.

Original poster
MrsMiggins · 15/01/2006 21:59

I just cant pull myself up....

please tell me how to pull myself together
I told my SIL today that I feel as low as I did Mar 2005 which is when DR prescribed ADs and counselling
counsellor has been off sick since just b4 H left me....and no sign of a new one
had DS telling me yesterday that "daddy left cos you shout"
he DS crying at party yesterday (only does this when really tired)

H messing me around as usual

just want to stay in bed all day

so hard to be positive

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