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cant make decisions & in constant dread

6 replies

stinkypants · 26/11/2011 22:23

not sure what, if anything is wrong with me other than being in a rut and knackered. have 2 very young chn and a stressful very busy part time job. need to move house but cant afford what we want and will be seriously broke. am performing really badly at work but finding it hard to judge why and whether it is my boss wnating me to leave etc or i am really that bad; whether the offers of support are genuine or not, i wirk with a total workaholic and cannot keep up.
i am losing my temper a lot over miniscule things like having lost something. i end up shouting at the kids and am sometimes ridiculous. once it blows over i am fine and can see how silly it is but during the moment i cannot calm myslef down.
i have semi-fallen out with some people and feel very hurt by tings that have been said but i cannot bring myslef to talk to them so instead have just cut myslef off from them and act like i dontcare. they have taken the hint and left me alone but i feel so sad.
i only have my husband and he is so tired all the time.
i feel like my family tread on eggshells around me but this just annoys me too.
i lost a close friend earlier this year and am still grieving for her; i also constantly feel guilty about her, if ever i have negative thoughts.
onje of the biggest issues though which i should have put right at the top of the page, and the main reason i'm writing, is in constantly imagine awful things happening to me or my loved ones. its like i play out these scenarios and feel the emotions constantly so live in constant dread of something awful happening. e.g. every time thr phone rings i imagine the worse, or if one of my children is walking down the stairs i think they will fall.
am i in need of counselling or just normal stress?!?!?
thank you x

OP posts:
missjulie · 26/11/2011 23:28

Hello lovie, saw this post was unanswered, and thought i would come to say hello. Am so sorry you are going through this, and also for the loass of your friend. Sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment.
IMO, i think you should go and have a chat with your doctor, and be honest about how you are feeling. There is no shame in admitting you need a little help, whether that just be an ear to listen, some counselling, or even some anti-anxiety or anti-depressants. I have been battling with PTSD, now PND for 19 months, and have only just gone on anti-depressants, and am feeling like my old self, i can't believe the difference!
Your post could almost have been written by me!
I know it took me a long time to seek help, and perhaps it may be the same for you, but i urge you to at least have a chat with your doctor, as you too could be feeling like your old self and far more in control of things again.
Good luck, keep us posted. x

missjulie · 27/11/2011 15:48

How are things today lovie?

NanaNina · 27/11/2011 18:48

Stinkypants (you need to change that name!) seriously it is obvious that you are struggling to keep "all the balls" in the air at the moment and that you are really stressed out. I think when you are feeling like this, it is very difficult not to get majorly irritated with small children. I have depression and anxiety but kids all flown the nest a long time ago. I can get irritated with the cats! You have so much on your plate and I feel so sorry for so many of you young mums on these threads.

When yu say you "lost" a close friend, do you mean she died, or the relationship died, though in a way it doesn't matter which way round, because you are still grieving and feeling guilty, and the combination of those two things are enough, without everything else, kids, house, work etc ect. Bereavement is the same whethere it's a death or a loss of some other kind, and I think you need to be able to bring your feelings outinto the open which would mean finding a god therapist who is experienced in bereavement counselling.

I wonder too if you have been a bit hyper-sensitive just lately as you talk of semi-falling out with friends, and maybe pushed them away emotionally, and you are acting the part of not caring anyway. I think if you were able to show your vulnerability to your friends they would understand and maybe be more support to you.

Re the biggest issue - the catastrophising things and constant worrying about awful things happening. I am no medic and don't like internet diagnosis, but I wonder if this is some kind of OCD. I think many people (me included) worry about our loved ones, and fantasise that the worst has happened, and even "planned" the funeral. My kids are all in their 30s but if I can't get them on the phone I start worrying, and sometimes if my DP is on the phone I imagine it is bad news about one of my sons, dils or gr/chdrn. If I am in bed and can hear him sounding a bit worried I am lying in bed tensely waiting to hear the worst. I think this is anxiety that was passed on to me as a child by my mom as she was quite an anxious person. However, I think with you, this might have got a bit out of control and then you need some help.

I agree with the other poster - can you find an empathetic GP in your practice (there are usually a few - mainly women!) and talk to her about how you are feeling. There are possibilities of mental health issues, maybe depression, anxiety or something similar. You may need meds or you can be referred to a CBT therapist by your GP which might be helpful in helping you to break down this cycle of worrying.

I don't think this is "ordinary" stress (whatever ordinary means) and neither do I think it is wildly abnormal. I think you need some help to get you through a very rough patch in your life.

stinkypants · 30/11/2011 21:37

thank you so much for your lovely, caring replies. i'm sorry for the delay in responding; just very very busy.
the last couple of days have been good actually; husband took some time off and had been here so we've had really nice family time.when he's around i feel so much calmer and am a better mummy, i know things will be ok and i relax more. i still have the worries but he is so laid back and sensible it puts my mind at rest. altho i still do overreact, eg telling him OTT saftey instructions constantly. i have wondered too if this is bordering on an OCD - i am so nervous all the time and have imagined every possible scenario. having said that, i restrain myslef a lot from acting out all of this, e.g. i do let my children run around and fall over, climb, etc - i just find myslef tensing up and gritting my teeth.
i guess i have good days and bad days; today i feel positive overall.
yes i lost a friend - she died very tragically - and i am sure this has fundamentally changed my outlook on life. she left behind 2 children. we are there for them and their dad and do lots with them. i find it emtionally draining but also therapy to be around them.i guess that the sudden shock of this has amde me too aware of how awful things do happen, and when we least expect it, so i try to prepare myslef for this all the time.
the other thing is, she has left a hole in my life in terms of having a regular friend who i share everyting with - other friends are too far away or are also colleagues and not the same.
i agree it is worth a chat woth the gp - my biggest fear is that my children will think i am bad-tempered when i want them to only know me as loving and caring (which is how i am most of the time).
thank you for taking time out to reply - i know you must be very busy and i appreciate the thoughts
x

OP posts:
missjulie · 30/11/2011 21:56

Hello. So nice to hear you have had a good couple of days, was wondering how you are.
Again, am so sorry to hear about your friend. Well done you for being so supportive to her family, it must be so very hard for you all.
I do hope you go to the gp, please keep us posted.
Take care, xx

NanaNina · 02/12/2011 12:31

SP - please consider getting some bereavement counselling after the death of your friend. It doesn't matter how long it's been since she died. I too lost my deaest friend in 1994 and didn't get any bereavement counselling, so my grief got stuck and ended up in clinical depression and that is just awful. I am thinking of getting some counselling now even after all that time because like you, she left such a hole in my life (and still does) sending warm wishes.

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