Depression :Not Feeling in Control This Time - (long-ish!!)

[JohFlow]

Hi All,

I have been suffering with clinical depression for the last 20 years. I am on a maximum dose of Trazadone. Usually I am able to spot whether my depression is stable; or if I am on the way 'down'. I use this information to proactively do things which keep me level.

Lately; I find myself just surviving - and some days I could literally curl up into a ball and dissolve. I treat the fact that I am alive as a success.

The last two years have been amongst the most difficult of my life. I separated from my boyfriend (best friends for 30 years, partnered for 12 years) due to his non-engagement in resolution of the problems we were having together and untruthful behaviour on his part. Since; he has refused to discuss separation of our joint assets, property and about care of our shared son. We went to mediation - which he successfully sabotaged. I am about to look into legal methods to recover all the associated finances. But I am fearful that the process will rock my depression further.

I was the main bread winner through most of our relationship; his lack of co-operation has led to my being on a very low income (literally living hand to mouth) despite having full time care of our son. My lack of income leaves me feeling isolated and like I cannot enjoy leisure time with my son/new partner. I fear I am becoming boring (never me).

The second part of this; is that I am currently unable to make my own money due to illness. In the last 16 months; I have had 7 hospital stays and 2 operations (last one 10 days ago). I have had fertility equipment removed and my insides/bowels are heavily affected by adhesions/scar tissue. Some of my condition is inoperable and further complications could be infertility/total bowel obstruction. Each of which will involve ongoing hospital treatments. To lose my fertility would devastate me!

I never used to worry about my health - never one to suffer even with colds! But now I am feeling that I need to watch every little thing (in case it develops into something larger). I think this is because my condition was accumulating silently and was misdiagnosed before it literally turned my insides into a mess. I talk about my health too much and I worry about the impact that is having on my new relationship. There is no real treatment for the adhesions I have because surgery often makes them worse. Living with them is usually painful and there is always the possibility that they will damage other organs. I am scared and feel less of woman than before.

Even if I was physically able to work; I am not sure I could keep dry-eyed/focussed for an interview.

I have an appointment with my GP next Monday as I know I need further help. I am not sure where to start with him. I am also applying for Employment and Support Allowance (which I am not ultra-clued up on)

Has anyone got any comments/ideas to help me on my way.
Thanks.

Sorry Jo that you have not had any replies. I am feeling totally totally crap (yes depression here too) and it comes and goes but it has come with a vengeance this week. Just didn't want you to think no-one cared. Will post again when I feel bit better. It's the most horrid horrid illness - I hate it.

You certainly have a lot to contend with at present and you are obviously very attuned to the peaks and troughs of your depression.

I manage my depression using "different hats". When I gave up on the NHS, I (sort of) invented this for myself and , touch wood, it has worked for me. Basically it's attributing any feelings of depression to a tangible, external factor. As in, I will first and foremost say to myself "It's because I didn't sleep well last night" " It's because I have this house sale going on" etc etc, ANYTHING other than pin it down to my long term companion-depression. It more or less keeps it at bay. I don't deny it's existence, just do't allow myself to automatically revert and withdraw.

I'm in no way suggesting this will be relevent to yourself, your post just struck me as being full of a lot of things to juggle. All the best.

Are there any support groups you could join? Even something online (like mumsnet but perhaps more specific to your situation) could be helpful. As my Nan used to say, if there's nowt you can do about it, at least you can have a good moan in good company!

And a very big well done on keeping going and looking after your son.

Thank you all for your replies.

I am sorry to hear that you are on a down period NanaNina and hope that you are back into talk mode soon. Thank you for showing that you are there and willing to participate.

I agree with you Shakey ; in that sometimes having practical things to focus on, sometimes distracts from low mood states. I also struggle with what the NHS provides and the waiting lists to get what may really be effective. My depression seems to have a very chemical-genetic basis so there is only minimal scope for the talking therapies. I applaud the fact that anyone choses strategies that put this awful illness into the background. In short; if I don't fight my own depression - I give into it (which can very destructive). Perhaps; I need to focus on finding a legal resolution to the financial/separation problems and that may have a knock-on effect.

Thank you ManicPanic for your words of encouragement. I love your nan's saying. I could do with finding new company to have a transitory moan with. I am undecided whether depression support groups would serve me well - I have a tendency to think about others problems before mine. Maybe some new friends, in my new home area without that focus would help.

The thing is - I have some ideas of what may help, but my illness is putting me off dedicating myself to them for the time being. I have a feeling that I am on the way down to the 'bottom'. I hope that I get there soon and then start bouncing back up.

It occurs to me that you have an incredibly powerful set of weapons to keep this at bay.

1. You completely recognise your depression
2. You are able to pre-empt a downward spiral
3. You have clear ideas of what would work for you and what would not be as effective

Can you, to a certain extend, head some of this off at the pass (as it were)?

I understand your definition that your depression is more chemical based. My experience with the NHS has been appalling, so much so that I have washed my hands of them. The last straw was attending yet another counselling session with yet another different counseller who didn't even have my notes. I excused myself and have never returned. I am nigh on certain I had PND (following years of depression including a spell in hospital) but I steadfastly refused to go to the GP about it as I have no faith whatsover. I would go so far as to say that whilst I "acknowledge" that I suffer from depression I refuse to let it define me.

And I know this will sound weird but even not "knowing" you, you don't strike me as someone who would be "at home" sat in a circle talking about it??!

Please keep us updated?

nananina hope you feel brighter soon x

Hi All,

So I went to the GPs. Been signed off with post-operative infection. Also suggested that I find it difficult to ask for help; but that my depression is bad at the moment. I asked for a counselling referral. He asked how long I have been on medication and had a look through my notes. He suggested that because my depression is chronic and long-term that the likelihood of a referral being accepted would be minimal. I suggested that I was not expecting counselling to sort everything but that there are two situations recently (health and relationship breakdown) that a counsellor could help with. He has agreed to refer and suggests that he will do his best to get me the help that I need. Watch this space!!

Thank you Shakey for your last reply - your contact with the NHS sounds frustrating to say the least. I had PND after my son was born - the most difficult thing in the world when you have a dependant. A counsellor tried to mark me on The Edinburgh Scale. I couldn't answer the questions because I was so flat I didn't know how I felt anymore. I explained that I was struggling to answer and why (as best as I could articulate). Their response was to dismiss the session - cracking!! In answer to your question/comments - I think I may be able to head things off a little - once I have vented a bit. Please stay in touch

Let's hope your GP does as suggested and a referrel comes soon! I wonder if, because you are possibly pragmatic about your depression, a GP or some sort would assume you are coping better than you felt. I mean, them missing the point completely? I know that when I was in the psychiatric unit (albeit "only" for 2 weeks) I was THAT desperate to get out I put on a damned good show of convincing them I was a whole lot better in order to be released. Purely because, whilst I KNEW I needed to be "somewhere" I also knew that the unit was doing me no good. That was possibly when I realised I could handle it better myself than relying on "expert" help.

I'm not explaining myself very well here (!). I'm trying to say that as you are obviously articulate and intelligent, it may strike the GP/counsellers (wrongly) that you can't possibly as down as you say as you can verbalise it in an educated way.

I do sometimes wish I'd found the right counseller though. There is indeed a large element of luck involved isn't there? In finding someone who really understands you. I joined an online mentoring site as I felt I needed some place just to type things out. Not to be judged, just my psyche delved into now and then, as me questions, challenge me, just to know that someone anonymous was reading, thinking about me purely based on the information I'd given. I had a couple of people respond but they gave up after a few months!! Made me feel great I tell you :)

Anyhow, vent away. This is on my watching list so will always catch up at some point. Take care x

How goes it Johflow?

Johflow- I know your message was from a few months back but I too am also struggling with coming to terms with adhesions after operations and it's very difficult to deal with, my doc has put me on a low fibre diet and it has helped with the pain, I had a bowel obstruction 2 weeks ago and it was scary. i just wanted to say i understand what it's like in that respect. Just in case you wanted to talk.