Firstly, apologies for putting this in mental health as I?m aware that it might seem a bit trivial compared to some of the awful things people are going through on this topic. But it is about my state of mind and I?m going round and round in circles, feeling like there?s just no answer. It?s all I can think about at the moment, and that my life is stuck until some of these problems can be resolved.
So... I'm in my mid-thirties with a nearly 3-year-DD, and have been thinking about changing career to be a midwife ever since she was born. Initially I thought it was just hormones and the fact that your every second revolves around thinking about babies in the early days, but the notion just got stronger until eventually I realised it really was - is - what I want to do. (I've been working in an entirely different industry (media) since graduating, latterly part-time and freelance since DD was born.)
I'm midway through my UCAS application and planning to submit before Christmas, but am getting increasingly wobbly. Not about doing it, per se, but about my current circumstances, and also the lack of time/thought that I'm managing to put into my application, which feels far too rushed, and I don't feel ready/prepared/knowledgeable for the interview process (assuming I get any).
Partly it's because, as a freelancer, I always feel unable to turn down work and just haven't given myself enough time, or enough headspace, to devote myself to the application - and almost more importantly, everything that should come before, i.e. I haven't been to any open days, have lined up some work experience but not till January, haven?t done nearly enough reading to be aware of relevant issues, etc.
Partly it's because I want another DC and DH doesn't. Or rather - he is willing to consider it (this is progress - at one stage he said no way), but thinks we're not in the right place at the moment, and he's right about this. DD is and has always been a very strong-minded little person, and it's been quite a challenge during the past 3 years at times. She was a terrible sleeper for 2 years, and even now isn't great, esp as she is up at 5.30am most mornings. She's an epic tantrummer, often hitting and kicking to boot (us, not other children, thankfully), fiercely independent, strong willed about EVERYTHING - just quite a handful basically. I love her more than anything in the world, but DH is right that sometimes we have trouble coping with just her, mainly because we?re exhausted much of the time, never mind a baby as well. But should we let this shape our lives forever - i.e. be a one-child family instead of a two-child one? I have a brother and though we're not close, I couldn't imagine not having had him around - to me, one-child families seem odd (I know they're not, it's just how I feel and try as I might, I can't shake that).
Partly it?s because I wonder how I and DH/DD (plus possibly another small child) would cope with me working dodgy shifts for 3 years (and beyond), and studying in the evening and at weekends, etc. Is it fair on them? Do I want to miss out on all that time with DD/make her feel insecure about whether I?ll be around or not when she is still little? And if we do have another baby, it would be even worse for him/her in that respect. And if we do decide to have another baby, how do I fit that in around a 3-year degree course? And I?m nearer 40 than 30 now, so it?s not like I have time to hang around on the fertility front.
And finally, it?s partly because midwifery seems to be in total crisis at the moment, with midwives leaving in droves because they can?t cope with being so overstretched, stressed, having to put mothers? and babies? lives at risk because of being so understaffed, etc. Am I mad to want to try and get a place on a massively competitive (I hear it?s not unusual to have to apply three or four times before you get offered a place) degree course, in order to get a job that is underpaid and with a massive workload? I don?t really think so, because I?m aware of the issues and still want to do it, but given all the other stresses my family is under I wonder whether it might just be added stress that we don?t need. But I don?t want to freelance like this forever (the work is fine, decently paid, but very samey).
I?m sorry this is such a long ramble, and thank you very much if you?ve managed to read it! Just don?t know what is best for me and my family (of three, four? who knows).