Severe anxiety at the school gates..............what's wrong with me?!

[makemineaquadruple]

Hi everyone.

Firstly, i've suffered on and off(currently on) since I was 12. Although, looking back i've always been quite an anxious person even as a small child. I sometimes manage to hide it and can at times come across as reasonably confident, so it's usually quite odd for people when I lose the power of speech. I know it can come across as stand offish or even just plain rude, but the truth is some days, i just don't have a clue how to communicate with people I don't really know.

Today I went to pick up dd from school and for some reason all the way there my heart was thumping and I felt sick with nerves. I don't know what triggered it atall. My dp says that I don't smile enough so i'm not always particuarly approachable, so i've recently tried smiling even if i'm not talking to anyone, but I still feel like people are avoiding me. It's like i'm giving off these stress signals and people are keeping they're distance. I know it's not them, it's me. I know this because everyone else is at ease with each other, chatting about everyday stuff, laughing and joking and I just can't wait to get out of there!

If you met me you may be surprised(if I was having a good day) because I can go out with friends and have a laugh. I enjoy going out. I don't want to be couped up all day, hidden away from the world. I want to get out there, but some days, like today, I just get so low that I almost forget how to socialise properly. My head is full of so much rubbish that it's like there's no space left for the everyday small talk, which i'd love to be able to do.

I was prescribed citalipram by my gp, but as of yet haven't taken them. Very concerned with the side effects. I'm also waiting to recieve CBT(cognative behaviour therapy), but i've been waiting for so long that i'm starting to doubt that that will work.

I just don't know what to do to stop feeling like this. It's holding me back with everything. I've left 2 out of 3 jobs due to anxiety/depression and i'm desperate to start work again.

I need a life again!

First of all, sorry you are feeling like this. Having been on MN for quite a while I think there's a lot of us that fear the school gates . Some days I feel really awkward or just don't feel like making small talk. I find it helps to turn up just as the bell goes so you don't have to hang about for long - and a mobile phone is always handy for pretend texting /checking your messages etc if you want to avoid talking to people!!

I'm sure others will have better tips for actually talking to people, rather than my tips for avoiding them

Re the citalopram, I took it for a while and can honestly say that I had no side effects, either while on the tablets or when stopping taking them. It's not as scary as you think, but it took me a while to actually pluck up the courage to start them I must admit. I hope you get your CBT soon xx

Hi suburban. I do the texting(sometimes pretend) and the arriving just as they're coming out, but they're always late coming out these days and obviously I can't risk being late, so i'm usually still standing there feeling like everyone's staring at my heart beating and wondering if my heart is actually going to burst out of my chest?! Of course they're all just getting on with their lives and probably couldn't give a toss about me or my anxiety, but at the time I really do believe that i'm under this giant spot light!

Glad the AD's worked for you. I'm just so nervous about taking them. Bit of a catch 22 when you're anxious about taking anxiety pills...............

Hello MMAQ - I have just read a post that you made to someone else on this thread - so full on insight and intelligence. It's when it comes to us it's different isn't it. I am not a young mum but a gr/mthr so do do the school gate thing (well I do when I'm ok - have many ups and downs with my depression) I so so know what you mean about seeing others seemingly chatting and laughing without a care in the world - when I see this and I am feeling grim I want to hit them - how sad is that! And then when i am fine I don't even notice who is laughing and chatting......

Have you started taking the meds yet - hope so - I read of so many young mums on here who swear by citalopram.

OP please take the meds, they'll take a little while to kick in & it sounds like you need them. S/effects are very rare & even if you DO have them it's best to just pop back to the GP's & get something else, don't just stop them. The good will outweigh the very small chance of a bad reaction.

The meds are only a short term aid to helping you get to the bottom of this anxiety, CBT is very good at developing your own coping tools to help you get on top of things & encouraging you to re-learn more positive patterns of thinking & behaviour.

It's so difficult for you, but it sounds like you are taking such positive steps towards getting help by going to the GP, so good for you.

When you are thinking negatively about all these other mums, just think there could be another MN-er there, so smile at them!

I play sudoku on my mobile when I'm waiting at school gates

I-pod! It's great in the summer when you can hide behind shades!

Pick up is stressful and very hectic at our school. Drop off is worse because of the number of idelwives standing on the doorstep, narrow reception area and pavement outside the school to chat/bitch about their nannies/make dates to play tennis... While those of us who actually have something else to do/have somewhere else to be have to wend our way through, trying not to say 'FFS, get the hell out of my way!'

wahwahwah - are you the social worker who used to support my fight against John Hemming and try to "put the other side" to all those posts about babies being "snatched for adoption" - sorry if you're not and sorry OP for hi-jacking your thread.

Not me!

You're not hi-jacking!!

In a way i'm glad that i'm not the only one feeling like this, but obviously I wish that nobody had to go through it because it can be horrible.

I think the worst part for me is the fact that I know i've got so much to give, but it's like I just can't drag it out. Everytime i'm feeling more positive, something will crush my positivity and I feel back to square one. In fact that sums it up pretty well.........One step forward, two steps back, but all the time.

I hate looking at other people and feeling envious and i'm sorry to say, almost hateful when I see how at ease they are with everything. Why? Why do I feel like i've got nothing interesting to say? I can hear other peoples conversations at the school gates and I usually want to be able to join in, but I build it up so much in my head that I end up just standing there in my little bubble...............again.

With regards to the citalopram, i'm just terrified of becoming dependent on them. When I brought this up with the gp she said "you have to accept that you may be on them for the rest of you life". That really scared me. I thought what if I have another baby? Will they harm the baby if I stay on them? Will they harm the baby if I come off them? After doing a bit of research, it sounds as though it's best to come off them and getting depressed again through pregnancy is not a good time. That's my biggest concern anyway, but I have loads.

Sounds like you're having an anxiety attack triggered by the school gate situation. I used to get panic attacks in the weirdest places- traffic lights were the worst. It was usually places where I was'stuck'- that I couldn't just get away from if I felt anxious and of course once something triggers it , it will come back.
I found hypnotherapy very good - both on my ipod and an actual hypnotherapist. You just need to break out of the cycle. The traffic light thing - I made myself drive around and sit at traffic lights when it wasn't busy, at night etc-ie I could move on if I really really had to. Eventually they stopped bothering me but I had a few set backs, the thing is not to give up. Perhaps you could try going to the school gates when it wasn't school time until you start to associate it with being calm. I usually listened to music on my ipod to distract myself.
CBT will really help.
Small steps- getting there and not feeling like your heart is about to give up first and then tackle talking to people.
I know it's only one of the problems with your anxiety but if you can tackle that you may feel more confident.
Good luck.

Thanks paddy. I really hope you're right about the CBT. I've not heard anything negative about it, only positive so fingers crossed I wont be in the minority and it works for me too.

At the time I just think that everyone must hate me and that's why they don't want to talk to me, but really deep down I know that i'm giving off an unapproachable signal. I know I over analyse everything and will often play back something i've said to someone over and over in my head and critisise myself. "why did I say that?" or" I bet they think i'm stupid". Maybe I really am uninteresting and stupid and i'm actually just looking for people to say that i'm more than I actually am?......

Of course you're not stupid or uninteresting - social situations like the school gates are a nightmare. It's almost impossible to approach and chat to people there unless you know them well. I think you have to be really confident to do it and most people aren't. People who already have others to chat to don't tend to notice those who don't - not because you're not nice. I think you should just concentrate on getting there without stressing then you will be happier in yourself. Worrying about talking to random people is just putting a whole layer of extra stress on yourself you don't need.
You are overthinking things- that is part of the anxiety to replay negative thoughts over and over. I think CBT helps you break out of that cycle. I didn't go down the medication route when I was suffering from anxiety- tbh my GP was useless and didn't even recognise a panic attack when described. Personally I'm glad I didn't but it is hard to find a way through it. CBT should help and I do recommend hypnosis- anti-anxiety cds are out there as are apps for the iphone etc. Depends how long it will be until you get your CBT appointment. I know someone who was on a low dose of anti-ds as her CBT appointment took so long and then she came off them easily.
I wish you lots of luck - it is rubbish but you'll get better. You can guarantee there are probably other people at the school gates suffering the same thing - when I started talking about my panic attacks suddenly everyone else either had the same thing or knew someone who did.

I think the school gates are scary places-I think lots of other mums/dads feel the same and will be inwardly sighing with relief every time they manage to strike up a conversation. I have a friend who cannot cope with children's birthday parties even if I'm there and her husband because of the necessity to 'chat' endlessly. Please try the medication and I hope the CBT comes soon.

coolragdoll, funny you should mention birthday parties. I'm throwing my first one for dd's school friends very soon and i'm absolutely terrified!!! One because dd has some social/behaviour issues and doesn't make friends easily, so i'm really worried that hardly anyone will show. The idea of having to stand infront of all these children and parents and get their attention to keep the party going, ie to start games etc, fills me with horror! I've actually asked dp to do all the talking cos I genuinely don't think I can do it. I know everyone will expect me to do it and will probably judge me for not doing it, but where do I get the courage from? It makes me feel ashamed of myself for saying all this. I feel weak and actually rather pathetic. I know that there are people out there who feel similar to this and will still find the strength from somewhere, so why can't I?

I am weak.

Hi op i was 17 when i had my dd (who is now 7) and i used to have awful anxiety at the school gates, on a good day could you approach somebody else who stands alone and start a small chat? smile at everyone and say morning etc?

I know it's hard i've had SAD since i was a pre-teen and this time of year i'm miserable (but as it's seasonal and i know how to deal with it i don't take aiti-ds, although have in the past) but the thing is once you have one person you can have a quick 2 minutes chat with things feel a bit better.

I hope you are feeling a bit brighter

Hi stacey. I'm sorry you suffer from SAD. I think it's becoming more recognised these days, but I guess that doesn't make it easier to deal with personally. How do you deal with it? You say you don't take AD's anymore, so what do you find helps these days?

I do smile and say hello at drop off and pick up, but it doesn't usually go past that unfortunately. If it does, like i've mentioned before, I usually get so nervous that I practically forget the art of conversation and struggle beyond yes and no answers. I can see some of the mums desperately trying to drag more out of me sometimes, but it's only going to be a matter of time before they give up on me and move onto one of the confident and chatty mums. It makes me so frustrated, because if you spoke to one of my friends, they'd tell you I was confident and chatty(hopefully!!), but that's only when I really know and trust someone that I can be completely myself.

i have to force myself out of bed (mainly to take kids to school ) and get motivated in the house, 1 hr in the morning to shout at get the kids ready and blitz clean the house.

I have to get out and walk for at least half an hour a day, if i dont im a miserable bitch and when dp comes home he sends me out for excercise.

Also eating a blanced diet, everyone around me can tell when i've eaten crap in the winter coz im horrible that evening

it's jsut about learning your own little quirks and working out your ways to combat them.

For th SAD i do have a lamp too but i havent got anywhere on my desk for it atm so its still in the box, worked for me last year though!

Social anxiety is a awful thing to deal with.

I'm also a sufferer so know all about the days where you literally cannot find/think of what to say in return to 'have you had a good day?' questions and I have been guilty of trying to get there as late as possible for waiting around for ds to finish school.

I've been on meds in the past and they do help,they are not addictive and yes,some have a few side effects (mainly dry mouth and a bit of excess sweating).It's really worth giving them a try makemine .

I hope your CBT comes through quickly too,lots of people have benefited from retraining the negative thought process.

Not sure of what the answer is to social anxiety as I still have bad days,but as I've accepted my anxiety more over the years the less it has become.It's part of me,I'm a sensitive soul who isn't a naturally exuberant,vocal person.

Strength to you for the school pick up