Recovering from husband's depression and the damage it's done- help!

[soundofherwings]

I know this might belong better in relationships but I really don't want to hear a chorus of 'leave the bastard', I just need to find a way past all of this. I will tell from the beginning, sorry if it ends up too long to read.

The last year has been hugely difficult for me and my dh. We got married in July 2010 and in September he told me that he had been feeling depressed for most of that year. This was a massive shock- he had hidden it from everyone. Obviously this had been awful for him, and he was really brave in recognising it and finding help. But I was left a bit shellshocked, and feeling as if the past year of my life had been a lie. I had thought we were happy.

He got help from the GP but it took several months to find an AD that would work and in the meantime he got worse and worse, finally hitting rock bottom just after Christmas with two suicide attempts. He was off work this whole time and pretty much unable to function- he did nothing around the house, forgot appointments, had no concentration or motivation and didn't really speak to me at all. Also in January I found out that I was pregnant- not good timing. The pregnancy was hard on me- I was cripplingly tired until 4 months, and nauseous all day. I was also at uni and due to sit finals in June. He wasn't in a position to be supportive- I don't think he had space in his head to cope with my issues, but there were times when he was pretty horrible to me. Neither of us had the energy to even argue, we just got through the days.

During his depression he also started spending to cheer himself up- little amounts at first on stupid things- a DVD or CD here and there etc, transferring small amounts from savings into our account and hoping I wouldn't notice. The whole thing escalated until he was spending a couple of hundred per month (I'm not even sure now what he spent it on) and lying about it and the more he spent, the more he lied. And then he lost his job, due to his time off sick. We could have managed with a tight budget but still he kept spending and lying. Basically now our savings are gone (we had over £8000). I know I should have tackled this at the time- taken away his bank cards or something, I don't know, but I simply didn't have the energy. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and getting upset made me physically ill to the point where I would feel faint and throw up. We would argue about it, he would cry and apologise, then it would happen again.

Now he is better- he has a new job, we have our daughter and she is wonderful. And we're working on sorting 'us' out again. But still I can't get past how awful things have been. How much he lied to me and how my pregnancy, which should have been so special, was such a lonely nightmare. I know it's selfish- I wasn't the one who was depressed and who lost my dream job. But some of the things he said and did were really hurtful, and there were so many lies I don't know how to trust him again. I find myself lying awake getting angry about it all, and I get angry at him, which I know is unfair. Any ideas on how I can let it all go and get my marriage back?

You certainly have had a tough time and your DH of course. I have experienced 2 major episodes of depression so I understand how awful it is. I have heard of this "spending spree" thing going on with people who are depressed. I don't really understand it cus when I am depressed the last thing I want to do is go shopping, but then we are all different. He was lying to cover up wasn't he and it all got out of control. What sort of things was he buying - there must have been something big to getthrough 8 grand.

So glad he is better and you have a lovely daughter, but can also understand your worries about what went on in the past. Can you afford to see a counsellor to talk out some of the issues that are troubling you. Sometimes this is available on the NHS but thereis usually a long waiting list. Private ones cost around £50 per hour.

Does your DH know how you feel - maybe talking about it with him would just be re-hashing it all and will probably just make him feel guilty. I think you need to monitor the situation re any sign of the depression returning and the financial situation. Sorry can't be more helpful, but sounds like there are brighter times ahead.

Has he ever apologised for any of this?

A very good psychiatrist brought home to my dh what he'd put me through in one section of our marriage. The sincerity of his apology really did make worlds of difference.

TBH the brutal truth is, if you are living with a depressive you need a selfish streak, or at least a bit of self-assertion. At some point I have no doubt you will need to talk a bit more about this - it does have the potential to destroy your marriage otherwise, which would be a shame because it is clearly strong. Acknowledge some act of angriness on your behalf and say a little about where it has come from.

Depression is inherently a selfish illness because you feel so bad about yourself that yourself is pretty much all you think about, and because you are so busy surviving you don't have energy for anyone else. That certainly was my experience with dh's depression. He managed to squeeze a certain amount of cheer and energy out of himself and lavished that (rightly!!) on our toddler so he would not be the victim of his daddy's depression. I really admire dh for this, but it means there was nothing left for me. And that was very very hard. DH has actually apologised for this, even though I said he made the right choices, and he has fought so hard to get better.

I do think your dh has some amends to make. It is important for you that he sees how much all this has affected you and that he says sorry. Maybe a few sessions at Relate (you don't have to be at divorce's door to go there) can help to talk it all through together in a neutral setting.

Also give yourself time. You have been through a traumatic time. Baby, debt, depression, suicide attempts it's so much. It will take time for you to recover from all this. The end of his depression is not the end of the subject. You may need to talk about what it was like for you and he will have to listen to that respectfully.

Sorry you've had such a difficult time, but it's good that things have now improved. It seems early days to put it in the past, and as previous poster said, you will probably need to discuss it further, but for the times when you're lying awake with angry memories, try to remind yourself that your DH was actually ill and not himself when being nasty to you. If you could acknowledge that he was also stressed to the point of suicide at the time, it might help you to deal with it now.
Hope life continues to improve for you all.

Thanks everyone, it really helps knowing that I'm

Oops, stupid phone. It really helps knowing I'm allowed to feel like this and that it doesn't make me a horrible person. I talked to him this morning, without going over it all again, but said I was struggling. He was lovely, and says we can go to relate or whatever I need. :-)

both going to counselling and tallking about it with third party will help, i think.
his spending/lying seems to have been part of his illness.

maybe discuss with third party plans for if something similar happens again - eg joint accounts, both have online access, ask bank to set a trigger for informing if overspending etc.

and get support for yourself too: build up network of friends family other parents.

Hi, I'm in the midst of my DH's depression and it's hideous. We're going to Relate which is really good - it's not great for my DH as he's not in a fit state to process much but it's helping me, I'm sure it would help you.