How do you stop pushing away when rejection is all you have really known?

[bytheMoonlight]

I'm in real danger of pushing my dh away. I can't seem to believe that he actually cares for me and I can't understand why he is married to me. I honestly believe that once the children are grown he will walk away.

I was adopted at birth by my biological nan. My biological mum is my sister. She was 15 when she fell pregnant with me and wanted to put me up for adoption. My biological nan thought it would better if I stayed within the family and consequently adopted me and my nan became my mum. I was told by parents when I was 7ish, accepted it and carried on as normal.

My real mum has been in and out of my life but has never acknowledged the fact she is my biological mum. I think she resented my mum for adopting me and I know the children my mum already had, see me as the 'adopted one'. There was such a big age gap they never felt like brothers and sisters to me. Growing up it felt as if only my adopted parents wanted me in the family, and everyone else would have been quite happy if I went away and never came back.

Now I am adult, married with two children. Both my adopted parents have passed away and I do not see any of my family at all.

I thought this had no affect on me but I can see through the relationships I have with my husband and my children that it has.

I cling onto my children, always cuddling them, telling them I love them as if I think they are going to walk away from me. They are are only 4 and 1. They are my world and the thought of them growing up and leaving me terrifies me, more than it should. I remember the night dd1 was born lying in the hospital, staring at dd1 thinking that's it, I have a family now, no one can take her away from me.

But then I swing into thinking why am I bothering. Why do I let myself care so much about them (as if I have a choice!) when they are just going to grow up and leave me anyway.

I don't know why I am posting. Just helps to get it off the chest I guess.

The lovely thing about kids leaving is that they come back, and they bring life, noise, and love with them. Knowing your own weaknesses is half the battle, just keep your chin up and do your best. Trite, but true.

Good luck.

I had a very strange upbringing wher love was seldom expressed either through words or actions - I'm the same with my children - always cuddling them, telling them I love them. One day they will leave - they'll go on to have fantastic lives and if they ever need to come back, they know that they will be met with love. I'm not one for sayings or homilies in general - but one that sticks in my mind is 'to give your children roots and wings'

why do you feel you are pushing your husband away? are there any indcations that you think he will ever leave you? try to look at your situation wearing a different pair of shoes - is there anything he says or does that suggests that he might? how do you feel your words or actions or whatever you do to push him away looks from outsdie your relationship and more importantly - do you talk to him about your deeply held feelings of rejection?

Hi Moon - it is not surprising that you feel like your DH and children are going to leave you, because once your nan/g'dad? had died you were more or less abandoned by the rest of the family, that on top of being abandoned by your birth mother, though she was little more than a child herself.

I think lots of us think that what happened to us in childhood, stays there and we can get on with out lives, but this is not the case, as you have found out. Anxieties, difficulties etc that we experience in our adult life have their roots in childhood. Sometimes they are reasonably small things, but feelings of being rejected and abandoned are huge really. It would be rather odd if you weren't having these feeling. Just reading the words you have used "can't understand why he married me" means that you do not think yourself worthy of being loved, because that has been your experience at a time when we are very fragile, as children.

Really you need to see a good counsellor/therapist because all this stuff that is buried inside you, needs to see the light of day. There is no quick fix, but getting it out in the open is a start and maybe finding ways of making the feelings more manageable would help. It is however unlikely you are going to get this on the NHS though it might be worth asking.

I think when you say you are "in danger of pushing your DH away" this is because you don't think you are worthy of being loved by him, and there must be some mistake - he's only there for the children. I'm sure he knows about your childhood - is he able to understand how this has left you very vulnerable and hypersensitive to feelings of rejection and abandonment. In a sense (not consciously) you are "testing him out" to prove that he doesn't really want you as a marriage partner and will go one the children have grown. Children do this when they are moved from abusive/neglectful homes to foster carers. They "test out" the FCs with differing kinds of behaviour (again not at a conscious level) because they have never had the experience of being emotionally close to anyone.

As far as your children are concerned, you sound like a really loving and nurturing mother (you must have got that from your gr/prts?) we can only pass on to our children what we have received ourself. You are giving them the greatest gift of all time - a happy, stable and nuturing parent experience which will be protective factors all through their lives. You must be thankful that alongside the rejection and abandonment, you must have been cared for in a nurturing way by your gr/prts?

Yes your children will one day leave home as most of them do, but they will leave feeling loved and valued for who they are. As they grow try not to "cling" on too tight - our children are a gift and we must hold them in an "open hand" and when they are ready to fly, they will, but will not lose contact with you. They will be young adults who have felt valued for who they were, and later there may be grandchildren for you to love.

If you can't afford counselling or can't get it on the NHS you may find books on the subject of childhood trauma. It's amazing if you put "rejection" "abandonment" into Amazon what you will come up with.

If you haven't already try talking to your DH about all of this and you are clearly a very insightful and intelligent young woman and with the right support you will get through this and the feelings of rejection will be overwhelm you, though they will probably never disappear altogether. That's not what life is like.

Sending you warm wishes - NN

I agree with NanaNina you really need some therapy to stop you feeling like this. You deserve better.

A lot of what you wrote is familiar to me, I have not been adopted but I failed to attach securely to my main care giver (long story) and was later abused. That feeling of 'if you really knew me you would leave me' goes so deep and it is all pervading. Children in your situation often start to believe that they are not good enough, that something in them is defective or other people would love them and stay with them. So when people do stay with you you conclude they must have a reason other than simply loving you.

I've had therapy and I've stopped waiting for dh to leave me. And accepted that my friends love me and my ds. It was worth the hard work.