Mumsnetters, what should I do?

[Iliketoast]

I am all mixed up. I am not sure if this is the right place to be posting this, because I'm not sure if this is a mental health problem, but I hope that someone will have some experience they can share that will help me. I had a very violent life as a teenager. There were a lot of big changes to adjust to and I spent a lot of time being beaten and locked up, sometimes I locked myself in to avoid violence, other times the door handle was taken off from the outside so I could not get out. My mother was ill for a while with stress and depression, I took on a lot of the blame for this. I also had a new step family whose needs were always more important than mine and a new baby brother who I felt I had to protect in a very volatile environment. I know that my extended family and neighbours knew that during this time I was abused, but it was kept very quiet. I thought that I deserved it and that it was good that I was there for people to take their anger out on. I didn't like myself very much.

  I went on to have a very difficult time at university, I don't want to give myself away by giving too many details, but I look back and I am proud of my past self for getting through without needing to resit anything, I don't think that I'd be as strong now that I don't have such a distorted view of the world. To cut a long story short, I used to self harm through all of this. It helped me be able to take pain without screaming, it gave me back some control and made me feel relaxed when I was very stressed. I haven't hurt myself seriously for four years now. 

I have a (not very good) job, a lovely boyfriend, a nice flat and a reasonably peaceful, happy life now. I am still a bit baffled as to how I managed to end up here, but I feel like I am getting better at living without being scared all the time. If I met a person like me I'd be happy to be their friend. I try not to think too much about the past because it makes me miserable, but something has happened that is forcing me to think about it. At work the other day I was showing my friend at work (we have worked together 4 years, incidentally) the back of my foot, I wasn't really thinking about it, I don't these days but I'd lifted my hem too far and exposed my scars. He asked me what happened to my leg, I didn't know what to say to him and just made vague sort of stuck noises while I tried to think of what terrible accident I could have had, then he came right out and asked me "are you a cutter?" and I sort of mumbled "nooo" and went back to polishing the cutlery. Nothing else was said and we carried on working and that was that.

I don't know what to do now :( I am not ashamed that I used to self harm and it's not a secret. It's one of those things that I am sure that people know about, but they don't really know about if you see what I mean. I wear tights and sleeves to avoid questions because I am not comfortable talking about it really. Or I am fine with talking about the self harm and the scars, but I am absolutely not ok with telling people why I did it. I don't want people to change the way they think of me, I want to just be me and not be my life and my scars. But, he knows now, I care about this friend and I would do anything to help him out if he needed me.

I am worried that he will think I am an attention seeker, or that I'm a weak person. I'm worried that I won't be able to have an off day without it being there in the background. I'd like to explain myself but I don't know if I should, or how to bring it up. I don't want to be thought of as "a cutter" for things I did years ago when I literally had no one to turn to and no other option to feel better. I'm not even sure why I mind being thought of that way, because I recognise that self injury as a sign of mental illness and distress that doesn't necessarily have a direct cause is serious and a problem in itself. I suppose it's because I don't like to see myself as a mentally ill person and I have a bit of a fear of being misunderstood. Can anyone give me some advise? I don't know what I should do. This has knocked me right back! Oh and I haven't shaved my legs for months so I am all self conscious about that too .

Oh Toast - you have come through such an awful lot, with so much trauma and you are ok, with a life that you like......that is truly amazing after what you have been through.

I think you are maybe (quite understandably) being a bit hypersensitive about your friend's comment. I am wondering if he has self harmed, or knows someone who has, as I don't think that would be an obvious conclusion for someone to draw on seeing scars, if they knew nothing about self harm.

You don't owe him (or anyone) else an explanation unless it is something that you feel comfortable about doing. Please try to put this behind you and don't second guess about what this guy thinks about you. If he is a true friend and you decide to confide in him then he will understand (well he might not) as it is difficult for someone who hasn't suffered mental illness/trauma to understand about self harm workinglike a release mechanism. However IF you decide to tell him, you could explain, unless he knows already about what is behind self harming. On the other hand he has probably not given it a second thought, but it isn't important what he thinks, but it is important that you recognise your own emotional strength to survive such a traumatic childhood.

Take good care of you and stop worrying about what others think.

Thanks for your reply NanaNina :)

Friend has not self harmed, well no cutting/burning etc, I have seen him in his pants but you are right that he has friends and family who have. That said, I don't think anyone could come to a different conclusion, because I look like I was attacked by wolverine . I do think that he would understand, either way for whatever reason. I think I was a bit premature to think that he will think I am an attention seeker, because this is the first time he has noticed in four years.

I'm not even sure why I feel like I should explain myself. I think I find it quite uncomfortable to be put on the spot, especially when I'm the subject of other people's concern. I don't really know what to do with people who are worried about me, so I'd rather they didn't. His reaction was sort of...shock and then concern. Things went a bit sort of quiet and awkward so I do think he will have given it a second thought but is perceptive enough to know not to take it any further. I think that he has probably put the information away for later, which is what I would do tbh. I don't think I will say anything, but if he does I will tell him he'd understand, but he doesn't know, so he can't understand. I think he'll get it, while he's not a self harmer I know he has had a complicated life too. It's not going to come up for a while anyway because I am off for two weeks. That will probably be enough time for it to not come up at all, but if it does and it's sort of inevitable that it will eventually I will try and be brave and matter of fact about it instead of saying nothing at all.