Tired and out of ideas...

[Nuttychicken]

Hi,

I would love to hear from anyone who has any words of wisdom that might help me find some way past this rotten mood. I am close to rock bottom and don't know where to go

This evening I lost it completely with my DP, DS and DD. I have been suffering with PND for a few months and been trying to keep on top of it in numerous ways but this evening I have to concede that I am not winning this time and I need more help. My daughter pulled the teat out of her bottle, spraying both of us in milk, my son would not go downstairs after his bath and insisted on shouting at me while I was trying to put my daughter down and amid all the chaos my DP decided it was time for his run.

My behaviour towards my family is utterly shameful - shouting and screaming at them all over totally trivial issues. It only cements my feelings that I am not coping and not a good enough parent to my children. From the moment I wake up I am waiting for the time when I can put the kids to bed and have some time to myself. I am constantly grouching at my DP and DS. They rarely deserve my moaning and I am beginning to wonder why my DP is still with me. Tonight I frightened my son by screaming at him. I shout at him a lot these days. I hate myself for that.

The house is a constant blur of smashed up soggy rice cakes ground into the carpet, dripped coffee, dripped formula and orange slush caked to the highchair. I can only watch this build up during the day with building frustration that I don't have time to clean up and then get to this time of day and lack any motivation. I feel ashamed that I live like this.

So now I am left with this wonderful choice. Do I carry on along this route, alienate myself from everyone I cherish (not to mention the untold emotional damage I am doing to my son by screaming at him all the time) and try to beat this myself or go to my GP and, having had numerous referrals for therapy/counselling before, be offered antidepressants to get myself back on track. I hate ADs. I have taken them before and had a tough time coming off them. I really don't like the idea of relying on a drug to numb the pain but I cannot see an alternative...

I wanted so much to enjoy my maternity leave this time around and cherish each and every moment with my beautiful children. I seem to spend most of my time miserable, crying or berating myself for being miserable or crying and missing out on my children.

Thanks for reading.

I have post antal depression and the best thing i found to do was to talk about it. Keep your home clean, but it doesnt need to be perfect. If people are coming in and moaning tell them they have one of two choices, leave the way they came in or do it for you. I was really bad, always screaming at my baby son, and wanting to have him adopted because i wasnt coping at all. My friend chrissy was the one who helped me through it and sometimes you just need to have a good cry. You do need to see your gp. I never had any counselling, adn wasnt referred to one. The best medicine i think is to talk about it. Please may i ask, do you have much support around you? x

On the face of it I have a lot of support. My DP is usually very patient and supportive although I think at the moment he's had enough. I have a good friend who knows I'm down and in whom I can confide but I'm not good on the phone and I don't see her often.

I have spoken to my Health Visitor who is visiting me weekly to see how I am doing. She's not been for a couple of weeks for several reasons.

Half my problem is that I don't like to talk because I feel like I am a burden or draining. I guess that is half the problem...

I didnt talk to anyone and pretended that i was fine, but one day i literally just broke and my husband came into the kitchen to find me sobbing my heart out. I had a couple of weeks previously sat one night sobbing with my son in my arms, but my husband had been out at the time. I dont usually talk to anyone and my husband was always out a college or in the pub ( we've just seperated, permanently) you can always talk to me. i dont mind hearing other peoples problems, it makes me feel a bit better cos i know i am not the only one. x