I wont, but I want to walk away from everything.

[MittzyTheValiantVole]

The last 5 years have been so hard, and the last two have been more about rebuilding life for my DC's after an awful separation from their Dad.

We have come so far. They are both much better, although have issues that we are still dealing with.

I myself have also had counselling and still have some sessions, have been on and am now on a low dose of AD's. I am pro active about being positive, I paint, exercise, see friends, have a balance of time for the DC's and for myself so everything should be at the least ticking along, 'comfortable'.
But there is just this hollowness inside and get I get overwhelmed with thinking about just closing the door quietly and walking away, forever.

My counsellor knows and has offered more sessions, but this is crap.
It is worse than the depression, and worse than when I had what was to all intents and purposes, a breakdown 2/3 years ago.
This is nothingness. Numb, I go through the motions because I have worked hard to create the life that children now have, even though there is room for improvement.

If this was a story, I would write myself out so that no one remembered me or was hurt by my not being in it any more.
I could not hurt my children, and have no plans to take action, but I am so very tired and don't know how to move to a different place. I am fed up of fixing things and people and me when I am just broke.

Have you spoken to your GP? Maybe low dose anti depressants are not enough any more? I am not an expert, and hopefully one will be here soon, but I do know how you feel because I have felt the same myself. It is a miserable, miserable feeling.
Good for you for taking control and helping yourself with the exercise etc and good for you for rebuilding a good life for your children. One day you will feel better.
I'm so sorry, I don't have a magic answer but I didn't want your thread to be unanswered. I am here to listen for a while if that helps?

I guess increasing the AD's might be a solution bristols, and thank you,
It is such hard work just to feel OK.
I never expected to be in this place after all I have been through and how hard I have worked.

I think that's definitely a problem for me sometimes. I think 'everything will be better once such-and-such has happened' and it goes on and on and once the such-and-such has happened it's never as great as I hoped. So the disappointment just adds to things.
I think it's worth considering the medicine as an extra support for a while at least.

Hi Mitzy - I am a little confused because the way you describe feeling "hollow" and wanting to get away from everything, sounds very much like depression. Yet you say these feelings are "worse than the depression and breakdown you had 2/3 years ago" - also your description of "numb, nothingness" sounds so much like depression.

When I am depressed I feel empty and flat (a lot like hollow) and an absence of any emotion which sounds a lot like "numb, nothingness" - and I know a lot of people with depression feel like this too.

Did you have any treatment for your depression and was that separate from the breakdown you mentioned, or were they one and the same thing. If this feeling you have now is worse than that, maybe it was mild depression then and now it is worse?

I am no medic but you do sound as though you are describing depression. It doesn't sound like the counselling is helping you much either? I think you should see your GP and tell him/her how you are feeling - sounds like having to "climb" through each day (I've been there and it is horrid) and think the GP should up the meds or change them. I know there are differing schools of thought on meds and the psychological model of depression, but they have been life savers for me. I am still struggling to recover from a severe episode of depression last year and have "blips" that occur from time to time and remind me of the horror of depression.

Sorry if I'm on the wrong track..........NN

Hey Mitz just popping on to give you a hug and remidn you how far you've come. Be kind to yourself and see if you need a bit more meds right now xx

NN and others all spot on imho, it is that horrible feeling where you do just want to write yourself out of the story, that is depression - that you can't see anything clearly for the fog that's everywhere you look, and the energy it takes is exhausting. I'm not far off there myself atm, although it is so much easier to see these things in someone else's situation, esp when they explain it as articulately as you have, Mittzy. I think most of us here can identify with a lot of what you are saying. I agree with the others, maybe meds need looking at (and yes I am going to take the same advice too, and get myself to the GP) Sending you a hug, you are doing a fantastic job, your children are so lucky. Take care of yourself and if that means being helped through it then just do it for now, it won't need to be for longer than you want. Remember we are all here, and take all the support you can get.

Thank you x

NanaNina, the depression I have suffered in the past and have been fighting to deal with often left me barely able to function, feed the kids, sort the house and achieve anything other than getting up and lasting through the day till bed time.
It has resulted in 'extreme' emotions with highs and very deep lows, but this .....

Maybe my expectations were wrong that when I sorted life out, and started to see the kids stabilising (we had a terrible time), and when I started to manage to fill my day with stuff; have the motivation to leave the house, or go to an exhibition, paint for myself, work on the house, I thought that there would be an emotional balance and I'd be something like happy.
But I am not
The counselling has been invaluable although I also have wondered if it is what I need now.

I so desperately wanted life to be a certain way, (my ex left due to drink fuelled anger management issues which left my DC's very fragile) and have mostly achieved it, I want to feel calm and content with that. I am sort of progressing along in a 5 year plan, slightly behind but not much... I have goals, and aims for the DC's, I love the village we live in although would like to move house as it holds some terrible memories, My job is 'OK' although one of the things that I am aiming to alter, but I enjoy it whilst I have to do it, but still, this awful feeling is just 'there'.

So, if it is depression, but has taken some form that I have never really experienced before then I am gutted

I have fought to deal with abuse, emotional and physical, and to learn how to recognise the patterns and behaviours in myself and others that has triggered and 'enabled' some very painful relationships, but the me that is emerging is in some ways even more lost.

I will think about going back to the doctors, and what to do about the counselling, but right now it feels like defeat

Thank you MadMouse xx