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Mental health

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Original poster

All wrung out - given it all to dh's depression

17 replies

rocketlolly · 13/11/2011 20:01

That's me. I'm spent.

I've kept things going very well, provided jolly, positive home for the kids, supported dh through the very lows and the never-ending medium low for months and months. I've been very strong, surprisingly strong.

But I've had it. I'm full of anger about this constant drain on my life. I just can't do it right now.

OP posts:

Pumpster · 13/11/2011 20:02

I felt like that about my ex, now I feel like that about my dd. It's exhausting isn't it?

Sparklingbrook · 13/11/2011 20:04

Is he on any ADs rocket? Sorry you are feeling overwhelmed, can you see any light at the end of the tunnel?

Original poster

rocketlolly · 13/11/2011 20:06

Yep. And there's no one to talk to because no one understands this sort of garbage and he's so wrapped up in his own small worries. I have become very resentful. And I know there's no answer.

OP posts:

Original poster

rocketlolly · 13/11/2011 20:07

Yes, on ads for a few months. I thought I'd be seeing the light by now and I think that's why I've snapped. It's still pretty darn murky around here.

OP posts:

madmouse · 13/11/2011 20:16

It's is quite normal and healthy to become resentful of this depression that is robbing you all of so much. As the wife of someone who has been depressed on and off for years (but who's finally tackled it this time with meds and psychotherapy) and someone who's had MH problems herself I have to advise you to to take care of yourself. In particular limit the amount of energy you spend on trying to drag him out of his lows. Focus on keeping the children happy and do something for you on a regular basis. And find people you can talk to. Telling someone that you are struggling to cope with dh's depression is not betrayal of any kind, just a necessity.

Has he been referred for some counselling? Is he on the waiting list for CBT?

Original poster

rocketlolly · 13/11/2011 20:37

I've been telling people about it because it was so hard not to. But they don't really understand. They don't really know the turmoil.

He could have gone to some local group thing, I think. And there's an online thing. But he hasn't done it and I really can't be arsed suggesting it again. It's up to him. We just wait until he comes out of it, and I'm starting to doubt that he will and I just want someone light-hearted about the place, a bit of fun. I could scream.

But thanks for your chat, you lot.

OP posts:

Ipomegranate · 13/11/2011 20:51

Hi Rocketlolly, I'm going through similar, it's not been going on as long for us but I totally understand where you're coming from. I posted on the support for partners thread earlier - it looks like there are a few of us on MN. It's my H's constant refusal to do anything to help himself that gets me down the most. I feel like he is another child atm and it feels lonely parenting on my own.

Like someone else said make sure that you do something for yourself each day. I make sure I go for a walk for after I've dropped DD off at school and I'm certain it's the only thing keeping me sane. Depression feels such a selfish illness.

madmouse · 13/11/2011 20:56

Depression is a selfish illness. My dh will be the first to say this.

Original poster

rocketlolly · 13/11/2011 20:56

yes, I feel he's dragging me down and it's causing a rage.

OP posts:

Original poster

rocketlolly · 13/11/2011 20:58

I suppose that's it. The selfishness. And now we're not speaking to each other. I deserve a bit of slack to make up for this year but there you go.

OP posts:

joanofarchitrave · 13/11/2011 21:08

it's bloody hard isn't it. and it's hard to explain to anyone who's not in it.

try rethink. their counsellor was amazing for me.

i wish so much that i could just go away for a bit sometimes, with or without ds, to regain some perspective and just enjoy life as I used to, without having to constantly retune the way I react to the world; i can go away and I do go out, but tbh his mood tends to plunge after a few hours on his own, i can't really leave him for that long.

best i can do sometimes is go see a really stupid comedy and stuff popcorn for an hour or two. sometimes he'll even come with me. i still have a soft spot for blades of glory, it was such an awful time and i laughed and laughed, probably hysterically but who cares.

NorthernChinchilla · 13/11/2011 21:44

It must be so hard to live with day in, day out.

I had it with my Mum on and off when growing up, and it was hard then. It's now kicked off again when I'm pregnant (1st time, now 8 months), and I have reached the same stage as you- I feel I can't give any more, can't keep on being positive.
I feel angry about it, and then bad that I'm blaming someone for an illness they can't help.
We have no other family so I'm the support.

And if they won't help themselves it's even worse. Their relentless self-focus is hard to deal with- like other posters say, it's such a selfish illness

Being the one giving the support is just as hard, and yet you've got to keep life going on as normal in the office/at home/with friends.

I really hope the ADs kick in for your DH, but that sounds like a while for them not to have done so- any mileage in trying others?

cestlavielife · 13/11/2011 22:51

joan why cant you leave him? what would actually happen? why cant you send him off to relatives/freinds? you dont have to take on this all on your own?

rocket how long has he been depressed ? is this years or he was fine and then sudenly had a depression in past few months? ie can you see a person there he was before he could get back to? with my exP he was always a glass half empty person - when the big depression hit it was just a continuation really - the lows just got lower (withoccasional manic highs) .

but probably from 2004 he was in clinical depression - by 2005 he was talking about life was not worth living and seeking some alternative remedies, thru 2006 adn 2007 he had some months of up but then went completley "off the rails" in 2007 - at which point i said i'd had enough and could not be with him any more - but counsellign helped me realise there was more to the bad stuff than "just" depresison...tho didnt manage to really split til 2008 when i moved out with dcs......since then he has had big lows and some not so lows but has been on/off meds (as far as I know).

if it is long term ongoing then it is ok to consider the whole relationship and if you prepared to stay with him - or to say - you get the help on offer (groups/online whatever) or you chose not to and you live elsewhere til you decide to get the help....

i know of two people whose spouses gave them such an ultimatum -they both took notice and took action - both couples still together and life is better. but in both those cases the depression had an obvious trigger.

depends - if is personality/part of him/long term thing - if the ups are worth waiting around for / if he really is proactive in managing his own mental health...... what else is going on in the relationship.

go talk to someone and evaluate your whole relationship. before during and after the depression. if you need support to get thru this bout of depression because he is worth it -then get support for that. rethink. local carers org whatever.

get breaks from him/from the depression
try the depression fallout message board and look up setting boundaries. read anne sheffiled
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Survive-When-Theyre-Depressed/dp/0609804154/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1321224605&sr=1-3

seventiescarpet · 13/11/2011 23:25

rocketlolly, I drafted a similar post last week but didn't post it. I am in a similar situation and felt utterly alone.He's been messing about with his meds and that was the final straw. I've taken action though and asked him to move out for a while til I get my head straight, this did not go down well, and really had to fight for him to go. I've since been open with some friends about how bad things have got and have been overwhelmed by their support, it's surprising how common MH problems are when you scratch the surface. Please keep talking. Keep taking time out, finding the pockets of enjoyment in your day. Heed the advice already posted. You are not alone.

Original poster

rocketlolly · 14/11/2011 19:01

I generally enjoy life, look on the lighter side of things, am optimistic. After more than six months of propping thigns up, I recently felt like I'd had enough. I moaned, cried, felt sorry for myself, shouted. But to no avail really. He's ended up in the huff with me because I am utterly not wanting to cheer him along through life just now. So. And to be honest, I just don't really care that much just now.

There's so much I want to do - practical things in the house and fun trips - and it's all such a monumental effort with the feeling that someone is pulling in the opposeite direction.

This is the first time I've wondered if I can live like this for the rest of my life.

The depression has b een bubbling away for years, we think. It has become much more pronounced over the last couple. The last good phase was fantastic, we were so happy, perfect, unusually perfect. But now this depression has been going on for nearly 7 montsh.

OP posts:

jomal · 16/11/2011 12:54

rocketlolly, please look at the linden method, it really is worth a final shot. I've had great success with my dd - ask me any questions. www.thelindenmethod.co.uk

TheyCallMeMimi · 19/11/2011 18:51

I know what you mean, I've just about had enough with my DP. I went to a counsellor myself. I was afraid I wasn't giving enough support (it's been 3.5yrs) but she disagreed and warned me against becoming his carer.

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