DS1 (MH issues) making DS3 very, very unhappy

[Isabel1066]

Posted here before about humungous problems with DS1, early 20s. Lots has happened - all of it very difficult. DS1 doesn't live at home - lives with bio father but is also in and out of MH hospitals.

Latest thing, and so troubling, is that he harassing DS3 via computer/gaming etc messages. DS1 came, unexpectedly, to house a short while ago on a ridiculous pretext and left having taken a house key and other stuff but not before giving DS3, his phone no and saying that if he, DS3, didn't phone on a certain day later this month, he would 'disown' him. DS3 very, very frightened of him - history of aggression when DS1 lived at home. Now, DS1 is messaging regularly, reminding him to call on this day.

DS3 says this threat - unspecific but most unwelcome - is getting in the way of his exam revision - in midst of public exams. He's crying, depressed, won't study (I've said that one of the best ways to overcome this situation is to throw himself into something that's going to benefit him in the long run) and very moody.

DS1, we think, still has a CPN. Police have been told - say nothing they can do. Doesn't constitute a threat, they say. But the CPN could talk to DS1? My ex has done such a mature thing - barred our line so my DH can't even phone him to ask him what the hell is going on and that he must exert some pressure on DH1 to stop and also to explain himself.

I'm also worried about what might happen on this day - real violence lies beneath the surface with DS1 - he is a very troubled young man.

Thoughts, ideas, any support - all welcome right now.

Should perhaps add that we think DS3 is depressed and genuinely worried about what he sees as a real threat. He doesn't want us to talk to school - though I think we might be able to (in confidence?) as undoubtedly what's going on is troubling him and seriously effecting how much (little) study he does and likely results.

I feel strongly that DS1, however troubled, should be tackled by those that presently oversee his care.

Oh Isabel - what a worrying situation for you. I don't really have anything constructive to post, but noticed that no-one had responded. I do remember your last post. Does your DS1 have a diagnosis, though is clearly severely mentally ill as in and out of hospital. If DS1 is out of touch with reality, then this contacting thing on a certain day could be a delusion thing couldn't it. Maybe if DS3 does not phone, he will indeed "disown" him which might be the best solution. Sorry I know that sounds a bit glib.

What age is DS3 - and what of DS/orDD2 - older or younger than DS3.

Not quite sure what you mean by your ex "barring your line" so you can't get through to him - I've never heardof this but presumably it is possible. Can you go to ex's place and talk with him and your son to see what this is all about. Do you have any contact with DS1 or are you afraid of him? You could talk to the CPN about your worries but if she did bring this up with DS1 she would have to say it was a concern of yours, though she may not think it wise to do that.

You say you think DS3 is depressed, and is not doing any work and is moody. This sounds like a lot of teenage boys (am assuming he is teenage) - maybe he is just very stressed out rather than depressed, but if you are realy concerned about him, then I think you should book an appt with GP.

I may be quite wrong but I wonder if you and DS3 are blowing this thing up out of proportion, as it may just be more to do with DS1s delusional state.
You say you think those "overseeing" DS1 should tackle him, but they probably know nothing about this comment he has made to DS3. A CPN is there to support DS1 and obviously when he is in hopsital the duty of care should be provided by the hospital.

I don't mean this to sound harsh and I understand that you have been through some very difficult times but he is still your son, and maybe needs your support more than you realise. Can you and your ex not talk together, although it seems like the ex is being hostile anyway.

Oh dear, sorry I am going round in circles, I just think maybe after this date has passed (and DS3 doesn't contact him) you will be more relaxed. So sorry if you think this is naieve. I suspect your DS1 has a psychotic illness and possibly is self medicating with drink/other drugs. I have supported a close friend for many years who has a brother in this position, and I know how difficult it has been for her. If he would take the meds and keep off drink and other drugs it would be ok, but with that combination, sometimes he can be quite hostile, though only verbally.

Sorru probably no help but just don't know what else to say.

NanaNina - thank you so much for your supportive words and insights. I have a job interview tomorrow so must head for some sleep but will get back tomorrow and answer the very sensible questions you've posed.