someone please tell me how to help my mother (sorry could be long)

[Thehusbandsatcricketagain]

My dm has just rung me & burst into tears again.I think she is now suffering from severe depression as she is now prone to just bursting into tears out in the street for no real reason.

She is the most selfless person to ever walk on this earth,has always been a rock to me & never judged any of the numerous mistakes I have made in my life.She stood by me when I suffered from severe depression & PTSD.She has a lot of health problems,suffering from both rheumatoid/osteo arthritis,she is late 60s but can't slow down as she is still my sisters carer (downs syndrome).My father as much as I love him does nothing in the house & is the "boss" about everything,he was a banker when he worked & always provided whilst dm stayed at home but he retired years ago yet spends all day in the house bossing her around.He won't fix anything that goes wrong,just keeps all his money in the bank,presumably for me to waste when they pass over;I jokingly told him that if he did not spend their money on enjoying their old age then I would probably fritter it away,yet still he continues to make her life hard.

I was quite bossy with her this morning & told her she was to book an appointment with gp to ask for anti-depressants so she can start to see things more clearly but she said your father would not like that,I would speak to him myself but the fear of him making her life even harder makes me not want to.He in his defence has never been the same since he had a major head injury many years ago.

I just don't know what to do,I feel helpless as we moved over 100 miles from her last year so she can't even pop round for a day out or lunch anymore like we used to do regularly.I can't bare to think of this angel of a woman suffering like this.One of her sisters is a bit of a cow to her at times & the other just lost her husband,my uncle a couple of months ago so she is still raw from that.

I don't think she would take her own life but she has said that life is just not worth living however she would not leave my sister to go into care.What do I do if anything???

Anyone who has been in a similar situation please advise me

Your mother sounds like an exhausted, overburdened carer. As by the sounds of it she is a carer for two adults at least one of which (your dad) is very demanding that is not surprising. He actually sounds abusive to her.

Question is whether she is depressed or 'just' completely worn out and ground down. It sounds like she has no idea at all of how to take care of herself and set some healthy boundaries and even if she knew how to set boundaries, your sister's and father's needs might make it very hard to stick to them. Anti-depressants will not necessarily sort this out, although she definitely need to see the GP. It may even be worth you travelling that whole distance to go with her.

I would strongly recommend that she contacts any local carer support services that are available. The GP surgery will have details. They can give practical and emotional support. She may be entitled to carers allowance, which would give her a little bit of money that is hers to spend.

You sound scared of your dad - any chance of you standing up to him and arranging for some changes? How severe are your sister's needs? Does she get DLA? Would she be entitled to any direct payments that would enable your mother to get a carer in for a few hours every day? Any chance of respite provision for your sister, ie her going to stay elsewhere for a weekend a month or something? Carer support services can help with a lot of these things.