How do I stop taking everything to heart?

[IraqLobster]

Yesterday my niece was supposed to do something for me, checked several times with her during the day that she could still do it, to which she replied yes, gave times etc.

Then later on she sent me a text to say would I mind if she didn't do it, she'd got soaked in the rain, didn't want to come out in it again.

It's not the first time she's let me down, but she's a child fgs (16 years old) I went way over the top and made her feel terrible about it. I also did this to her about 2 weeks ago over something she'd borrowed and hadn't returned.

As soon as I realised how I was behaving, I sent a text to apologise,I said I know I go over the top and I promised to try really hard not to do that in future. She said it was fine, so hopefully I haven't doone any lasting damage.

It made me realise though, that I take everything so personally - I get hurt very easily and can't believe that sometimes things just happen., I always think it's some peronal slight against me.

Looking back, I can see how I've done this over & over & over, getting needlessly upset over the smallest of things and thinking things are done on purpose because that person "doesn't care about me" - it's the first place I go to.
Has anyone got any advice on how to stop taking things to heart quite so easily?

No advice but I am exactly the same, so will be watching this thread with interest.

It is rubbish though, isn't it? I need to develop a thicker skin but I just don't know how to do it.

I think my problem is that it seems to be instinctive to go to hurt feelings, it isn't like I choose to behave or feel that way - it just happens.

And then then comes the guilt, I feel awful guilt over how I behaved yesterday, I know I've apologised but I still feel like the worst person in the world for reacting in that way. She even asked me why am I always trying to make her feel bad?

I hadn't actually realised I was trying to make her feel bad until she said that, but she was right I WAS trying to make her feel bad - because she'd made me feel bad (if that makes sense??) I do these things instinctively without even realising it, but I so want to stop. I'm hurting people, not the other way round!!

I can see now past relationships, where I've felt hurt needlessly and over-reacted, I can see now how I've always done this and gone to that place.

I am the same...I take way too much to heart. I will be watching this thread hoping for some tips myself!

The fact that you have now had that insight should put you on the right track; I believe it is the only way that we really change, is when we notice something. It doesn't get better overnight but it may not consume you quite as much next time. Just notice the feelings, realise they are there and they are what you are feeling but they are not all of you, because there is a part of you that is not consumed by the feeling in order for you to notice, if you see what I mean.
I think I do the same as you and I hate being let down and have noticed myself 'passively agressively' making people feel guilty. I am also obsessively sensitive worrying what people think of me especially at work. I have to constantly remind myself that it doesn't really matter, as long as I do my job and don't set out to upset anyone.

I think that underneath all this is a lack of self esteem, of self worth. It's kind of ok for you not to value yourself but it somehow conversely makes you react very strongly if you perceive that someone else does not value you - maybe because it 'proves the point'?

madmouse....that really makes a lot of sense to me. Not hijacking this thread...but the advice given is worth taking.
Wifey6...still lurking for tips!!

Next time you're in that kind of situation can you make a conscious effort to step back before sending the text/saying something? Could you give yourself half an hour to have a cuppa? I have to recognise my hurt and work through it in my mind before I respond or else I do as you do and take things as a personal slight when they're not. Now I remind myself to stop, listen to what's really been said and then think before acting.

I can be a bit like this too especially certain times of the month when I can blow things way out of proportion in my head. However I do not feel showing your niece you were angry with her at her letting you down was that unreasonable. 16 is not that young and she should have realised whatever it was was important by the fact you kept checking. Not going out in the rain seems a bit lame. Don't be so hard on yourself

Im exactly the same with my dd and have had a run in with her. I get very upset and sat here crying. It was via text. so i totally sympathise.

I wanted her to do something with me today and she won't so end of.

Teenagers are very thoughtless.

As ever I think madmouse is right, and that low self esteem and insecurity are at the root of your difficulties. Was wondering if this has always been a part of your life, and whether it happens with others besides your niece. It seems your "default position" is to think others don't care about you.

I think the most helpful thing would be for you to have some insight into where these feelings have come from - and it's the same place as almost all our behaviours and ways of functioning as an adult come from - our childhood. Difficulties in our adult lifes are usually a re-enactment of something that happened in our childhood. I am not necessarily thinking of anything horrendously traumatic (though of course that is always going to a big problem for people who have suffered in this way) it can be something like a parent inadvertently passing on anxiety to you, or being over critical, making you feel insecure.

The thing is that it is very difficult to make these links because we just accept what happens to us in our childhood - we have to survive and this is not a conscious mechanism. It is only by being able to look back and try to be able to link adult behaviours/feelings that are causing us problems in adult life. It is most unlikely anyone can do this, without the help of a good psycho-dynamic therapist. If they are competent they can, by the things that you tell them about your childhood and the way you were parented (even by words and phrases that you use) get some understanding of the links between what happened in childhood (the "there and then") and what is troubling us today (the "here and now")

You may not be able to understand the interpretations the therapist makes (and sometimes they are wrong of course) but that doesn't mean the way you were parented isn't being re-enacted in the present. When you can make the link for yourself or agree with one made the therapist it is very powerful.

Trouble is even making the link does not mean you are "cured" as it were. It just helps us to understand about why we behave/have feelings etc in the way that we do, and so we can be more conscious of making the changes for a more relaxed life.

It is possible to get psycho dynamic therapy on the NHS but it is very unusual. Mostly the NHS funds 6 sessions of CBT (which deals with the "here and now" and looking at ways of preventing getting into spiralling negative thinking, and replacing them with something more helpful) It does benefit a lot of people but it didn't help me very much. I am having psycho dynamic therapy on the NHS but was referred by a very helpful CPN (community psychiatric nurse) following a very severe episode of depression and inpatient care for 3 months.

Therapy isn't for everyone I know and especially if you have to pay (around £50 or £60 per hour dependent on where you live) and it isn't a "quick fix" - can take over 12 months to feel you are being helped.

Sorry if I am on the wrong track but then again it may give other posters on this thread food for thought.

NanaNina your post suggests that people with low self esteem per definition need a long term of expensive psychodynamic counselling. I needed quite a lot of therapy but then as you know I had a seriously screwed up childhood. For many others some self help (Self esteem for women is a good book) to some more basic counselling may well be enough.

Point taken Madmouse! However I think it does depend on the nature of childhood trauma, and how much that is affecting adult life.