So a bit of background. I have been married to H for 13 years and with him for 10 years before then. I don't remember seeing any behaviour like I am about to describe, and I am wondering whether he has had a breakdown or something or whether it is possible that his true colours have just shown themselves.
We have gone through alot of stress over the last couple of years - miscarriages, job losses, house moves, family arguments etc.
So recently, H has started, with very little warning, being extremely abusive to me. He will say the most vile things, while I am in floods of tears, and carry on saying them. He will say them in front of the children, and will seem completely unmoved by anything I am saying or by the fact he is with the children. when questioned he will act as though it is completely reasonable that he say these things and that I deserve them. For example when I asked after one episode why he did it he said that "he has put up with 20 years of shit and I deserve it". Other excuses involve:
"he is tired" (because I asked him to leave and he isn't sleeping)
he read a personal email from my account to my sister that made him angry
my mum isn't talking to him and it's my fault
etc etc
I can't predict when he will do this. I saw him on Saturday and he was lovely. I saw him on Sunday and within minutes he had said to dd3 (aged6) when she fell over "get off the fucking floor". When I said to him sarcastically (and maybe I shouldn't) oh you're such a good father, he responded "you are a fucking lazy bitch" and "you live in a fucking pigsty". In front of the children. When I later tried to speak to him about this, he just didn't seem to grasp that you can't speak to people like that, and you certainly don't speak to the children like that (or in front of them). any outburst is my fault. He had a row with my mother, when I wasn't there, and blames me. He blames me for him losing jobs in the past even though I can't see how I could possibly be to blame. to him it is totally logical that I am to blame for this for everything. .
Of course it could just be that he is abusive and it's his true personality showing itself, but to me it just seems so weird. He didn't use to be like this at all. He doesn't seem to understand the awfulness of his actions, how abnormal it is to swear/talk like that in front of the children, he seems completely unmoved if he is upsetting me. He just doesn't take any resonsibility for his actions and doesn't understand the illogicality of blaming me (he hacked into my email, read one, and then was angry with me for it, but that' still my fault for writing it!).
Thanks if you've got to the end of this. In many ways it is illogical - I've thrown him out, limited contact with the children and consulted lawyers, but I really wonder what has caused this huge character change.