My DS1 20 has severe depression

[whatever117]

DS1 is chronically depressed. He is 20. Looking back I think he has been debilitated since he was 15 or so and has been (and has been labelled by teachers as) "morose" since he was about 6.

He tried to go to Uni last year but was back and forth in the first term until he was finally back at xmas.

I have been cross as I am supporting him totally. I have said, "at least sign on" but he cannot do anything. I have realised that he is very ill, he has been on citalopram 20 mg for about 4 years which keeps him quite stable. If he misses a few days he is really nasty and spiky. I go to work now and leave him really minor instructions like, "clean your teeth and walk the dog, please open the door when your brother gets in from school".

I used to be angry when I came home and he hadnt done the dishwasher - I now expect nothing - I just aim for 1 or 2 showers a month but he has only cleaned his teeth once this year. I know because I make him sit in the back seat of the car if he hasnt.

I know I sound like I am moaning, and I am I suppose, but I am also very worried about him.

I have booked a Drs appt for him on Tues, he asked me if I could phone the Dr in advance and say that he needs to see a Psychiatrist. I did this and the Dr was quite dismissive. I do not think he can leave home until we have some dx or something - what do you think?

Not sure what to say but didn't want to read and run. I'm sympathetic as I have a DP with severe and chronic depression - I leave notes too (take a shower, Hoover front room etc). Talk to the dr on Tuesday. I dint think they'll refer to a psychiatrist without seeing him first. Gas he not got a mental health team?

your message made me want to give you a big,big hug.living with depression is very hard and watching someone you love with it is heartbreaking.you say he is stable but still sounds like stuck down there if still isnt managing basic self care.i agree with grockle about the mental health team.agreeing to see the doctor is good,wanting to see psyc very good.at least he acknowledge things arent going well.i wish you the very,very best of luck at the doctors[and if isnt helpful find a new one].would love to hear how you got on

There is no way that 20mg of citalopram is doing the job if this is how he is feeling! He is presenting severely depressed. He could go up to 40mg of citalopram to begin with. He may well need more medication and possible some therapy/counselling.

You need to be very firm with your GP. Your DS does need far more than 20mg of Citalopram. He needs a good psychotherapist and possibly more/different medication. And he needs you to get him what he needs as he cannot help himself right now.

My eldest son was also depressed at around the same age and he too went to Uni but phoned me on day 4 to say he had been walking up and down by the river and feeling he didn't want to go on............naturally I brought him straight back home and took him to GP who gave him ADs - he was however better within about 6 months as far as I can remember.

I think posters are right that the meds and the dose don't seem to be helping him. GPs will get shirty sometimes as it's their decision on the basis of clinical need whether or not they refer a patient to a psychiatrist, just like in other illnesses, where a clinical decision has to be taken to refer on to gynaecologist, orthaepedic surgeon or whatever.

I think the last thing your son needs right now is to leave home. That in itself is a very traumatic thing - and you wouldn't be able to keep a check on him. I don't want to alarm you but quite a high proportion of people with severe depression do in fact commit suicide.

Someone is suggesting a psychotherapist, but that would depend on whether your son was willing to go down that route.

at 20 he is an adult and the decision to see psychiatrist has to be made with him - not with you = as others said this could be why GP was dismissive.

get him to GP, sit in on appt if ds agrees, make sure your version of what is happening gets recorded too... book a double appt so plenty of time to discuss options for treatment.

get crisis team invovled so he/you can call them when he having a bad day - throw it onto the profressionals

I took a few days off work (I am self employed but our only income is me!) to spend time with him and he brightened. He loved it, we walked the dog together, chatted, bought nice food for dinner together.

Then it came the day of the Dr's appt - he refused to go. He said he felt fine, I know he felt fine because I had poured all my energy into him in expectation of a dx. He refused to go and, short of punching him, I couldn't get him in the car.

I am frustrated to hell. But is that "my stuff"? I just want him to be OK, but is he just a lazy fuckface who needs my foot up his arse?

I don't think so really but he really, or his behaviour - I love him so much, just frustrates the hell out of me.

I have decided that I will not take any more time off work.

Could you get your GP to come out to you? When I had severe depression a year ago DH had to go and see my GP in my place as I was in no fit state to go anywhere, and the GP and psychiatrist both came out to see me at home. My DH had to deal with all the HCP's as I couldn't do it even though I am a grown adult (cestlavie-take note).

jasminerice - thank you for your suggestion. If I have to I will get our GP out to him. The thing was that he was "better" or on an "up" (he is not manic) - just he was feeling happy and didn't want to go to the GP.

I can see that if I spend loads of time with him and really do stuff we both like - ie shopping for fancy food, chatting, walking the dog in the woods, listening to rock music in the car - he is much, much brighter and then feels happy.

However, I have another child who, despite having severe dyslexia, works his socks off at school, tidies his room, asks everyone he meets for a job (he's 12).

And a step-daughter who, though 24, really needs me too!

And I have to bring some bloody cash into the house.

I don't know whether he is depressed or lonely or scared of "being a grown up" - either way I want to help him but don't know whether he needs me to pay him more or less attention or get him to the GP - or what.

This is what I think is part of the problem and I have told him this. I had him at 21 and was married, I doted on him and breastfed him and kissed his little feet for a year. Then I got divorced when he was 14 months and moved in with my parents - I wanted to party and date.

I did that till he was 2.5, I was still kind and loving, but I was young and bored. My parents picked up the slack and Mum idolised him and he didnt go without.

But his father, who is American got me to send him to him for 2 months when he was about 2 - just to see him. When I picked him up at the airport he looked at me like I was an angel - I realised that he hadn't had enough language. He had thought I was gone/dead.

im so sorry you couldnt get him to the gp honey.attention can produce a few days of distractive upbeat behaviour but it wouldnt last even if it was sustainable on your part.which it clearly isnt nor should it be.remember whilst hes in the thick of it rational thinking isnt generally posible and he isnt necessarily being an awkward little beggar!a good gp should do a home visit.sounds like he needs the meds and some support fro mental health services[not that they are available or useful in all areas].i suggast this to take some of the strain off you.caring about/for someone with depression is exhausting.would love to hear how things are going.hes a very lucky young man to have such a supportive parent.x

p.s dont beat yourself up for the past.i suffered severe depression and felt id damaged the relationship with my then 2yr old.shes nearly 8 now and whilst can be a bit clingy wen i spent lots tie on her[i have 4 kids and she isnt the youngest] overall shes fine,doing well at school etc.ive seen many kids who get very little care or stimulus from parents who are fine and my partners mum is almost incestiously close to him but he still has depression/anxiety problems.someone told me once if you arent a guilty mum you arent doing it right!!analysing his life history wont change the here and now.hes depressed and you are there for him

I've posted on a few other threads because I feel so evangelical about this - please look at the linden method website www.thelindenmethod.co.uk .I've used this with my daughter and had great success with it. Ask me if you want to know more

I was going to ask about your DS's father because you sound as if you have too much for one person to deal with and should not be shouldering all these problems alone. Is his father still in America? Could he go out to him for a while?

DS's father is chronically, permanently depressed - it was a nightmare being married to him and now my son is the same. I have repeatedly told my son he is nothing like him - being he is a carbon copy.

I meant he is a carbon copy