i want a life! dont know what to do.....

[me23]

im new here, dd is six months when i was 2 months preg mum died of cancer. obv devastating. i was at uni in my 2nd year before i got preg, after i had dd i arranged to go back uni part time but couldnt find a nursery tbh i didnt make much effort as i feel i lost the will/ability to do anything! my house is a mess constantly i dont know whwere to start, i dont feel able to cope. my mind feels muddled all the time, i used to be articulate and sharp. i feel like im destined to not do anything with my life the pregnancy wasnt planned ex left pretty much soon as i told him. i had big ambitions to finish my degree and have a career, now im on benefits but dont want to be i want to either study or work but i dont know what exactly i want to do anymore! also ive lost all but 1 friend since dd born and i havent had any time away from dd, in 6 months i havent been out once.also since dd born ive put on weight i used to b slim even in my preg i hate the way i look it really gets me down.
sorry if this doesnt make sense i feel so low and hopeless.

Oh, sweetheart, you sound so sad.

Welcome to MN - you will find lots of useful advice and support here, I'm sure.

Can you make a list of what you want to have achieved by the end of 2006 and then post it and we'll help you achieve it? Whereabouts do you live? Do you go to any baby groups or do any activities with DD?

hi me23 - you sound depressed to me, and no wonder after all you've been through. You could go to your GP and ask for help - maybe counselling or some anti-depressants to help you cope in the shorter term. When you start to feel better you'll probably find you'll have more energy to look into going back to uni (and when you do the uni should be able to help and advise re benefits and childcare). Don't be too hard on yourself - you've had a shit time of it - visit your GP as soon as you can and if you want to keep posting on mumsnet, there's lots of support for you here x

And the baby brain does go eventually. I felt fuddled and muddled for ages after having my ds's. You do need to get out more and meet other people even if it is during the day and just having a coffee.

Where do you live?

it could be baby brain, but depression also makes you feel unfocussed so it's possibly a combination of the two

thanx so much for ur kind words, it does help to know other people understand what im feeling, i live in london. i dont go to any clubs im scared too! because i feel like i dont know how to communicate with people anymore. i know i do need to get out more i yearn to.
i really want some time off my dd to be me again and go out clubbing! ill settle for a dinner out tho! i agree with spacedonkey i think it could b a combo of babybrain and depression plus exhaustion ive had 6 months of virtually no sleep as im sure u guys can empathsise with!
i feel so drained all the time i dont have energy for anything, i had aneamia in pg but my blood levels werent taken after birth so i could still be aneamic but useless as i am i cant even be bothered to make an appointment with doc. i keep putting obstacles in my way like "i cant go doc goes their are stairs in surgey cant carry buggy and no1 to babysit while i go" its laughable and pathetic when i think about it.
i hope to get to know you guys on here, love reading the posts they let me know other mums are still people. since dd i feel like a walking womb sometimes, all people think i can talk about is dd much as i love her i do have opinions and a personality too even if it is a bit lost at mo!
i will get working on that list when brain allows
x

I totally understand the thing about not being able to get to the doctor. I think when you're down and need the help the most, that is when it is hardest. Do you have any support nearby from family or friends? Someone who can babysit for you perhaps?

i dont have much family around, my dad is 71 not really able to babysit, my cousin has offered but she already has 3 kids and i dont want to burden her.
my dp's mum is an option, for a long time i felt unable to leave dd with anyone but now im more than ready! me and dp havent been on a proper date yet, next time his mum offers i will oblige.
i worry though becuase sometime dd can be funny with other people feeding her and cries wont drink unless mummy gives her it.

If you can bear it, force yourself to go to the doc - I know it's difficult, it might feel almost impossible, but it will be worth it to get some help to feel better, and once you start to feel better you will be able to tackle everything else. I went through a bad depression for almost a year recently and became a complete hermit - even going to the shops was a major trial - but it does pass (seems to go on forever while you're in it though!). Do take dp's mum up on the offer - some time to yourself will be very therapeutic. I can recommend a book that I have found extremely helpful - it's called "Feeling Good" by David Burns (I picked up a copy in waterstones for £5.99 so it's not too pricey) - that might be worth a look as it's full of practical strategies and it's also very reassuring.

Hi me23 - firstly welcome. You've always got a friend on mumsnet. Secondly, you sound knackered and who isn't with a young baby. Take dp's mum up on her offer, your baby will soon get used to someone else giving her milk - she will learn to take it or be hungry but the longer you leave it the worse it will get and it will be harder to leave her, trust me.

I'm in SE London, whereabouts are you?

Right, new years resolutions - go to a baby group once a week, be brave, get chatting to other mums. Maybe you'll meet a good friend there and then you can help each other out with a bit of childcare.

New year, new start. Try to think of positive ways to change your life for the better and start now. Take all the support you are offered and even speak the Health visitor if you're feeling down and she might be able to help you.

All the best!

spacedonkey i will make appointment with doc, find out if anything is wrong. i know i have to go, thanx for encouragement.
kbear i live central london,i went uni in se london (goldsmiths). i was thinking about going to a baby bounce at local library it says 0-2 but i dont know exactly what it is and if 6 month olds really go, dont want all babies there to b much older or younger than dd.
as for hv its never the same one and ones at baby clinic have been patronising, and not listening to what i say then giving me wrong advice i only go there to get her weighed.
the only support that seems to be out there is for people that havent got any qualification i.e free courses to help with training but only for low level jobs if y know wat i mean.
i wish i knew wat options were open to me, i want to be earning soon so im not sure about going back to do a degree, as another three years struggling seems too much but then again part of me does want to continue studying aghhhh confused.

You would qualify for benefits and help with childcare if you went back to uni, and this would stand you in better stead career-wise - what were you studying before?

i was studying anthropology which i enjoyed at first but i dont think i can see my self going back to it, thing is i have varied interests, im thinking i might like to do criminology then i think psychology, midwifery (although not that serious bout midwifery)
would need to be part time because i ialready have loans from previous degree i was doing to pay back, cant afford to rack up more.

me23 sorry to hear you are down...I agree with you seeing your gp..I am the same in the sense that I hated going to the gp as it meant me taking dd and all the extra work involved (dh works and I NEVER wanted to leave her with anyone). It seemed easier to just stay at home. BUT i went and have been numerous times since and it get easier. DD is usually entertained by pther patients in the sugery so doesn't kick off iykwim. About the stairs issue in the surgery..my gp has stairs and she helps me by carrying bags etc..? Maybe your gp could do the same..? Or maybe when you go into the surgery could the receptionist hold baby for the 5 min appointment..?? BTW my gp diagnosed pnd with me and I have been on ad's now for a few weeks. It's worth a visit.

About the baby bounce classes. DD & I attend these weekly at our local library. The ages range from babies to toddlers.! In fact dd was abou 14 weeks when I 1st took her!! She loved it !!! Go for it, it at least allows you to meet others. xx

Can't help much, but stay strong. You had the courage to come on here and I know that you will find the strength. Well done.

Sending big hugs xxxxxx

me23 - you don't have to pay any of your student loans back until after you graduate and are earning a minimum of £15K p.a., and even then the repayments are pretty low. Another option might be to do the rest of your degree with the Open University - you'd get a non-repayable grant to cover course fees and it doesn't affect other benefits, or you can fit it in with work. Plus your previous study would count towards your OU degree so you wouldn't have to start from scratch. It would be such a shame not to do it

me23 - give yourelf a bit of a break. Your dd is only 6 months, she wasn't planned, you have recently lost your mum. You have had a HUGE amount to cope with. You've got this far and - though you're clearly low - you have survived in tact. Give yourself a pat on the back. Look at your lovely daughter and think "I did that". Then start to form a few bits of a plan as to what you're going to do next. Don't set huge and or vague targets liek "get a career" - give yourself some solid achievable goals. eg, get in touch with a friend you have lost touch with, invite her to visit; take the plunge and find a baby-sitter for a night (or even a day) and find something relaxing to do; spend some time on the internet to find out who you need to talk to about picking up your studies again - 3 things to do - give yourself a suitable time limit. then take things from there. You have every "right", as it were, to feel low, but I am sure you have all the abilities you need to pick yourself up.

brilliant advice hativity!

I'm so sorry that you lost your mother, that must have been unbearable and you must still be grieving.

On a practical level I just wanted you to learn from my mistakes. When ds1 was born I was very reluctant to leave him with anyone, even though I do have family not too far away, I just thought it was exclusively my job to look after him.

But if your dp's mum is available for babysitting you should definitely take up the offer as you need some time to rest and relax or just have some time for yourself. You will probably miss dd, but it's better for everyone if she gets used to being looked after by someone else as well.

Really hope you feel better soon.

you are all so wise! and helpful thankyou so much for the kind words, first thing on my list is babysitter i've told dp that whenever his mum is free to babysit i will let her.
i was looking on internet about uni today ill aim to go back in september but i still need to do more research as to where how etc.
next week i will go to baby bounce dd is such a joyful girl im sure she will love interacting even if im shy im sure she wont be
happy new year everyone
me and dp are getting nandos, having wine and lots of choc! then im joining in the weight loss challenge on slimming board.
2006 will be a happier one i hope x

happy new year me23 - great to hear you sounding happier

good to hear you sounding more positive. It comes in waves - accept that there are low times but keep a mind-set that knows you can get out of the lows and into a more positive frame of mind. I know it's tedious and well-worn advice (that I rarely heed myself!) but it's very true that exercise is good for your mental well-being...

i saw some old friends from uni today they texted saying the were going to be near me so we shoukd meet up. i told them to come over then when they were due to come i texted them saying im sorry but can we make it another night im too tired, i felt like i couldnt face seeing them silly i know! does anyone else get this? you are lonely but you are scared to see people?
anyway it turned out good as my text got to them late and they came and we all had lovely time! and they bought me a xmas pressie!
glad i saw them,
also i emailed a uni today to enquire about a crimnology/psychology joint degree so hopefully hear back soon.
plus docs was closed today but wil try tomorrow for appointment
x

well done me23, that is brilliant!

I do know exactly what you mean about feeling lonely but not being able to face people - so glad it turned out well in the end

keep us posted on how you get on x