There are days when my self loathing knows no bounds

[hellhasnofury]

And this is one of those days.

I've worked hard over these last few years to improve my mental health and self image but when it comes down to it I hate myself. That's it really. I'm not expecting replies I just need to write it down, anonymously, where no one knows me. I was born hated. Mum suffers from some kind of personality disorder, she sees people as good or bad with no shades of grey. I am bad, my siblings are good. She had her first nervous breakdown when I was born. I know that's not my fault but it's how she sees me and treats me. I do try to be positive and lots of days I manage but every now and then the self hating comes over in a deep dark wave. And today is one of those days. No real trigger it just comes out of the blue. It will pass but I hate it while it's here.

Oh how awful for you to have to be feeling like this, through no fault of your own. The way in which babies are parented in the first 3 years (especially the 1st year) lay down the foundations for future life. Sadly for you, your mother did not parent you in a positive way when you were young and it affects people through the lifespan.

Have you ever tried any sort of counselling, as I think this is what you may need, but it's not a quick fix and whilst it won't "cure" you, it may make things more manageable. You could ask your GP, but unfortunately they usually just offer 6 sessions of CBT, which deals with the "here and now" whereas I think you need to look at your background and how it has affected you. There is sometimes a clinical psychologist who works for the NHS and I am seeing one, and she can do up to 20 sessions. This is following an episode of severe depression and inpatient treatment. It would be worth asking though.

If you can afford it it will be easy to find a private therapist/counsellor, but they do charge around £50 per hour dependent on where you live.

Thank you for replying. I have had some CBT which led on to some other therapy. It has put me in a much better place but every now and then I slip back a bit, now is one of those times. I wish I could put my finger on why though. I can access free counselling through work so if the feelings don't go soon I think I'll investigate it.

It's good to hear from someone who understands though, I feel awkward talking to my real life friends about it.

Me too honey.

My default position is to hate myself and everything about me - full stop. That's how I was raised. I am working on it too though, I have great support and at the moment I am feeling better than I ever have in 30 years.

But I have off days too, where I can't get out of bed and I spend the daying sobbing into my pillow while dh brings me tea and sarnies.

People who have been 'damaged' very young may have permaneant psychological damage, that may not be reversable, but it is possible to counteract it. People like us may always have to work a bit harder to feel good about ourselves. If you can find something that makes you feel good - like for instance walking in a local park, dance classes, painting or yoga - work it into your lifestyle, enjoy it and stick with it, and it'll keep you going.