Guilt of imagined harm?

[Chocattack]

I have a depression and anxiety diagnosis. I'm experiencing a difficult patch at the moment but the following is new...

I'm increasingly imagining harm coming to my dd (4yo). Not from me but either accidentally or others (eg in a playground losing sight of her behind play equipment then thinking she's been abducted, her going quiet in the bath then thinking that she is drowning, thinking she's about to run into the road without looking etc). Ok I'm fairly sure that many experience this (although I hadn't until recently) but the bit that I'm thinking is a bit 'odd' is that I don't seem to react properly to it. With the playground incident I found myself deliberately holding back from going to check where she'd disappeared to almost kind of, not wishing or hoping, but almost "not minding" if she had disappeared . Similarly with the bath I delay calling / going in to her to check whether she is ok.

I do completely love my dd (though she can be a complete handful) and I'm not neglectful in an abusive sense, although there are days with my mh when I can't give her the attention she probably deserves.

So I guess my question is has anyone experienced this? Did you mention to your gp/psych/cpn etc? What was their response? I don't know whether to say anything [hconfused].

Are you sure that your simply not holding back because you know that it's an irrational thought?

I sometimes think, 'I wonder if DD is breathing?' whilst she's in her cot asleep. I'll have the monitor beside me and panic will well up in me and I have to think 'no, she's fine.'

Other times I'll leave her playing on the floor whilst I go in another room and think 'did I move the mug/plate/whatever object she can whack herself with?' and not go and check immediately because I know I haven't left anything dangerous around.

Why don't you try and keep a record for a few days of these thoughts and see if any themes appear?

Sorry further thoughts are if I acted on every thought I'd never do anything. I've never thought to mention it to anyone, I just think think it's part of a Mother's instinct to think about what might happen and weigh up the risks before deciding to act.

I would talk it through with your GP/HV, although it might be because you feel that you are being unreasonabley anxious that you are holding back iyswim i.e. trying not to get too anxious? You obviously have lots of insight so thats really positive and you clearly care about and love your dd but perhaps you just need some reassurance that the level of supervision you give is ok x

Yes I agree PessismisticMissPiggy that it's an irrational thought but I don't panic. I know what you mean about the breathing in cot thing as when dd was a baby i used to do that (I didn't use a monitor though) but as you say you just tell yourself 'no, she's fine'. This is different, maybe I'm not explaining it very well. I will keep a record though so thanks for suggestion.

Thanks AnxiousElephant. I'm seeing cpn Fri so could in theory mention it but I guess I just wanted to hear that someone else has experienced this too to feel less 'abnormal'.

Soooo anyone else??

I get this. My children are grown up and live their own lives away from home, but I still get anxious thoughts sometimes about them....have they got home ok from a night out etc.
I just tell myself that it is just a thought and because it is only a thought it doesn't mean that it will happen. It is uncomfortable thinking these thoughts and I know they're not easy or even possible sometimes to get rid of them but I just focus on not letting them have so much power over me.

Thoughts are like birds.

You can leave them be when they are flying over your head, but you can stop them nesting in your hair.

Thanks Selks are you saying that when you get anxious about whether your children have got home safe from a night out that you actually might want them not to have got home safely?

I like the "thoughts are like birds" bit

No, I definitely do want them to get home safely!

Yeah sorry, reading my first post again it is a bit unclear.... When I say that I tell myself that a thought about something doesn't mean it's going to happen, that would be when I am having worry thoughts like "DS might get mugged" etc. Hope that makes sense.

That's what I thought you meant. I think that's how I should feel .

I used to worry myself sick that mine had stopped breathing and was too scared to go in to check. (I am scared of seeing a dead body.) I would then give myself a talking too and say if they are in trouble the sooner I go in the better, and if they are fine the sooner I go in the sooner I can stop worrying.

I also delay sometimes on checking as tbh I am convinced one will die but I make myself check as the alternative is unbearable. What if I could have saved them.

How are you doing chocattack?

Ahhh you're checking up on me Pessimistic . Well I saw my cpn and now I'm anxiously waiting for a meds review as current regime isn't working as it should. The thoughts about my dd are linked to my suicidal feelings ie if dd is no longer alive I don't need to be. I found half-term really stressful and was mostly anxious and overwhelmed which seemed to fuel the thoughts about her. Now she's back at school the few thoughts I do have are a lot less intense and more easy to brush off, so a big improvement thanks.

Sounds like you're doing much better. Thanks for the update and I hope your Meds review does the trick.