Can anyone advise on agoraphobia please ?

[houndsoflove]

Stupid fucking agoraphobia is going to ruin my life.

I've always thought I'd suffered from panic attacks which varied in range and veraciousness for years. It has only been recently, after having a sniff around the internet that I think I am actually suffering from agoraphobia, and I have n idea of treatment or ways to alleviate it.

My main fear is being out in public and losing control - this manifests itself in either, fainting, vomiting or having a seizure although I also worry I may just 'lose it'. Busy streets and shopping centres are my main triggers although some days just the thought of boarding a bus can make me want to cry tears of impotent frustration. I'm terrified of losing control and not having anyone to 'help' me even though I have no idea of what kind of help I would like someone to give me.

I never USED to be like this - I used to have the occasional panic attack but after some counseling I felt able to have a better handle on it and utilised the technics I was taught to deal with it (breathing control, visualisation etc) - in doing so I was able to travel the world, work extensively at festivals and even move abroad for a while. I was confident, overtly personable and happy.

Since having DD 18 months ago however, I have found the panic attacks ratcheting up to such a frightening degree I worry sometimes if I may turn into a recluse. DD is adorable, very lively and spirited but even when she was born I felt the weight of responsibility so heavily on my shoulders I thought I was going to scream. I still feel that way and part of where my fear is now coming from is the idea that I may pass out in public and she will be tiny and helpless and all on her own while I am out of it. This then builds to a panic attack (usually projected hours before the actual event, especially if I have started worrying before we have even left the house) which in turn leaves me breathless and dizzy which in turn leaves me feeling as though I may faint and so the stupid fucking cycle is complete.

I'm worried this OP may be overlong but can break down some of the catalysts as I see them;
Sleeplessness - DD is a terrible sleeper and I haven't had a full nights sleep since she was born, or an unbroken stretch of any more than three hours which I believe may add to the anxiety.
Seizures - Pre DD I have had two previous seizures, one a grand mal where I was blue lighted to hospital and come round in the ambulance. So frightening. Both were in public on busy streets, both times I was found by a stranger. So scared of this happening again. Tested for epilepsy and diabetes but both negative, general consensus is that I was partying too hard at the time, a combination of too much booze and no sleep (no drugs involved)
Family history Grandmother agoraphobic and mother nervy and mildly neurotic - is it hereditary ?
Projecting I start worrying about incidents before I am even dressed and am only really confident in public if accompanied.

This is really long, I'm sorry. I'd like to try CBT as have heard good things but am full time with DD and DP can't take time off. How would I manage sessions ? Does anyone have any tips for coping and managing this useless, crippling fucking condition ? Can you tell how angry it makes me ? Thank you if you got this far.

bumpity.

OK, first of all, I am really sorry you are going through this, it is really really tough.

To put your mind at rest about the future, I suffered agoraphobia/social anxiety in the way you describe for quite a while (couldn't really do public transport, couldn't sit in cinema/theatre, couldn't go to weddings etc the list seems endless - memories of having to leave Ikea/supermarket as got too panicky etc) - but it's better now.

The only thing that helped me really was just building myself up to the point where I could endure the anxiety. So the situations were still hellish, but the terrible feared thing never happened and after repeated exposure I gradually began to get less anxious. But I have also done plenty of bolting in my time - just getting off a train or a bus for eg, or leaving a film or event if I didn't feel safe. The problem then though is that you are reinforcing your fears.

Sorry can't be more help now but didn't want to read and run, and to say IT WILL PASS, eventually.

I've read a few books which helped, will look them up for you. Also had normal therapy, which helped some. No experience of CBT.

You say the anxiety currently stems from"the idea that I may pass out in public and she will be tiny and helpless and all on her own while I am out of it" - do you ever go out without DD? Do you still feel as anxious when you are alone?

Hi wildstrawberryplace thanks for getting back to me - its reassuring to know that someone knows how I'm feeling. I'm actually better on public transport than walking down the road - it used to be the other way around before the seizures. But I have jumped off buses and trains before and have had to swallow my panic on a few occasions as I look around for the exit. It feels as though I'm always seeking the quickest way out of the supermarket/cafe etc.
I hate it. I look at other people breezing easily through their uncomplicated lives and feel such jealousy.
In answer to your question I rarely go out without DD - that includes evenings out as well - in fact I'm with her 24/7. But I usually feel more confident by myself as I know if I need to I can 'escape' more easily - either by ducking into a pub or cafe or taxi or whatever. I don't feel the same way with DD and the buggy, I feel so tethered by it. But it's not all the time, some days are better than others.

But yes, the anxiety feels constant unless I am accompanied. Perhaps I will speak to the GP tomorrow as taking DD there anyway.

Do speak to your GP, I could have written your OP. I collapsed while visiting London with my son and ended up in hospital ,i was so greatful to a kind person who looked after me but all that went through my head for months was what if they hadn't.We were miles from home and it was very scary. Few months down the line and in London again and a very similar thing happened though luckily i was with with family this time. there was an underlying cause both times the first I had been rushing around all day and not eating and had a chest infection,the second I had kidney stones but I so got it into my head that if I went anywhere it might happen again that I simply avoided going out as much as I could and then when I wanted to go out I just couldn't.On bad days I couldn't even go out in the garden. I became virtually reclusive for ages until I plucked up the courage to tell my GP he refererred me to a Psychological Therapist who I have been seeing for a while now and the improvement has been amazing. I still have bad days but far more good days and I still have a way to go. I see her once every week or two can speak to her on the phone and on one occasion when I just couldn't face the walk to the surgery she actually came to meet me !
Admitting you feel you have a problem is the first step and it really will go away one day you just have to keep working at it.
Feel free to PM me if you want to ask me anything

Thanks so much Onadifferentplanet it's heartening to know you have been through something similar and are in the process of recovery.
It's so frightening isn't it ? Although to be honest after my collapse I found it more frightening in retrospect (i.e now) then I did at the time. Also I was walking along alone behind two really nasty looking lads who were shouting and pushing and shoving at each other - they can't have been more than about fourteen. Next thing I knew I was waking up in an ambulance with the paramedic leaning over me. When I turned my head I could see all the cards had been pulled out of my purse. I asked if the boys had tried to rob me - "No," said the paramedic, " they called the ambulance, put you in the recovery position and waited till the ambulance arrived." I was very, very

I think part of my fear stems from how far I am from home - if I need to go into town for instance I will suddenly realise how distant I am from home and if I start thinking of how long it will take to get back thats when the panic sets in. However if I go someone long distance - home to Cornwall for instance - I'm fine. Weird, huh ?

Recently my GP referred me to the mental health team (she believes me to be suffering with PND - I'm not convinced) so I will see them in December and they can assess me then. You're right you know, just the idea of getting help makes me feel slightly better.