Where do I start?

[Ormirian]

Have also posted this in employment issues.

A few years ago I started to get really sick with anxiety and stress. A lot of this was to do with 'life in general' but a serious chunk of it was to do with work. I took citalopram and things became all rosy and lovely - until I got fat, lazy and miserable - so I came off them. I have been OK. Up and down but more or less even.

My manager is off work on long-long term sick (due to stress!) It is unlikely he will come back. We have no replacement. Someone has been moved sideways to cover for him - nice bloke, tries to support us but he hasn't got the technical expertise to do what the old manager did. Recently we went live on a major project that has caused me massive headaches and a lot of issues with our biggest customer. Basically it has resulted in us getting delayed payments from them and that is a big problem.

I left things OK when I went on leave yesterday. I thought it was all resolved as I had been working my arse off to leave things right. But then I got an email from the customer telling me there were still problems. I get email via my work phone - poisoned chalice really as I use it for personal stuff too. As soon as I saw the email I could feel the adrenaline pumping and the stress levels rise. My parents were here for dinner but I couldn't concentrate on them as I was thinknig about work. I fired off some emails as soon as they had gone but I know I will be worrying about it for the rest of my leave.

What do I do? I can feel that horrible achey feeling in my chest that I had when I was really stressed. I can't sleep as it is. I don't want to go back on my ads - why the hell should I when it's only my job that makes me like this?But if I take more time off the rest of my colleagues will be in the shit? We're short-staffed as it is. And let's face it in the current climate it's handy to be indispensable! I don't want to be ill again. I don't want to take tablets I don't really need just because my job is a nightmare. Should I approach HR? My temporary manager?

I really want to enjoy these few days with my kids but I can't forget about work

a lot of companies now have something along the lines of a counselling support line that they have a contract with to provide support for exactly these issues, is this something that you have? these are confidential and there for you to use as a support

if this isn't available, I would have an informal chat with your temporary manager and HR, more as a "I would like some more support please as I am struggling and worried about the impact on the Customer and btw it is impacting on my stress levels and home life" try to be practical as in what resource would help you to achieve what you need to? from your company's point of view, this sounds like a big Customer, it is likely that they would be willing to spend some money to keep them happy. unless you shout, they will think that you are managing - you always sound very capable.

Finally, you should go to your GP re the stress issue and how you are feeling. Chances are talking therapies and CBT will be available and they should be able to help manage the stress you are dealing with at work. I found that having an independent sympathetic ear, goes a long way to lower my stress levels.

what I meant to say was that although there isn't a magic wand, there are a number of small things that can be done that will go a fair way to easing the burden.

Thanks so much brik.

No counselling available at work sadly.

I will try my GP but she is so damned keen to put me back on ads.... I went in about something entirely different and she kept mentioning that I sounded depressed! But I guess if I specifically ask for some sort of talking therapy she might get the idea. She is a reasonable woman just seems fixated on depression - I have been depressed but I'm not depressed now!

If I start talking to my manager at work I will cry I suspect and that wouldn't be pretty for either of us

btw thanks for 'you always sound very capable'! I like to think I am usually but getting a bit flaky atm. It's funny but since I suffered from stress last time it's like touching a bruise - I react so much quicker to stressful situations and I have to use deliberate strategies to calm down again.

I seem to remember (not stalking promise) that you work in quite a specialised IT position? And you are very capable and switched on - it'll be ok, because you're asking for help, and being flaky rocks - you're human not a robot.

I would suggest being honest but gently firm with your doctor and say something like - you appreciate her concern re depression but actually you'd like to learn how to manage difficult/ stressful situations better and if you knew you were handling it and learning to cope with tough situations (such is life - you can't avoid them and live in a bubble) would actually reduce the chance of you having to revert to meds and becoming depressed, be honest about the effects of the anti-ds on you and your personality

and it would be less like touching a bruise and more like handling things is in your hands?

If a face-face chat with work is difficult - could you compose an email. Not a "aaaaaaaaaaargh" I can't cope (because you can) but more objective, this is where we are, this is the issue that we're struggling with, this is the business impact, and incidentally this is the impact on you and you're having to your GP for support and it is disrupting your family time.

from the outside it looks like you need to deal with the customer and mad busy issue and learn on your own terms, how to deal with the shite/ stress that life chucks at you in a positive way - it sounds wanky but learning to address the oh shit panic and holding your breath at every shit email/ call will be so worth it.