depression, guilt and boredom - linked?

[RohansMummy]

Hi,

I've been suffering from depression on and off for a number of years. I have been particularly struggling since my son was born 2.5 years ago. Although things are not as bad now as they were during my son`s first 6 months, I am still struggling with low mood, anxiety and insomnia.

One thing which really makes me feel guilty is that I often feel bored when playing with my son - even though I absolutely love him to bits. I feel that I'm a real failure as a Mum as I don't seem able to enjoy the time I have with my son as other Mothers do - I'm constantly worrying about whether he'll get bored or I'll get bored and how am I going to keep him occupied without going stir-crazy myself. It really bothers me that I don't seem to get the same sense of achievement and wonder that other Mothers appear to get. I work part-time (2.5 days a week) and spend the rest of the time with my son. My DH says that the boredom is the depression talking and not me talking but I'm not so sure. I feel really bad that a day playing kitchens with my son does not fill me with the joy that other Mothers seem to feel. I feel that I'm a really bad person.

Is there anybody else out there who feels the same? Is it the depression talking? Or am I just not cut out to be a Mother?

Any thoughts/advice gratefully received ...

Sorry you've had a long wait for a response. I think it is easy to assume that every other mother is wonderfully fulfilled and you are the only one who feels bored by it, but I just don't think it is true. Some of us are better with babies, some better with toddlers, some better with older children, some with teenagers, etc. (or in my mum's case, with adults! she's had three of us doesn't really seem to like kids that much but likes it best with us as 'equals'). Let's face it, playing kitchens all day with a two year old is going to be boring at times. I don't think there's any shame in it. Like you I work part time and on my days off with DD (23 months) I often feel a bit bored away from the 'cut and thrust' of my job. Yes that makes me feel a bit guilty but I try and do things with her that are fun for me too; basically we go out a lot and meet with friends with LOs for me to chat to. Do you have friends who feel at least a bit the same as you do? That always helps. A serene looking mum of three who I see around the family centres and have always thought was 'perfect' was telling me yesterday how she just sometimes loses it and shouts at them. It made me feel so much better!

By the way I've been there with the insomnia too. We have a thread on here but it's quiet at the moment (hopefully means we're all sleeping well!)

What makes you think other mothers are filled with joy at playing with a toddler? Some do, some don't - we're all different.

Finding some activities that you enjoy more might help? I love taking my 3 year old to a big garden centre and letting him tear round in his walking frame while I browse. And get out of the house every day - walk to the swings, 10mins on the swings and home again, perfect!

I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from depression and I think yes they are all linked.
I feel the same and exhausted and then guilty about feeling everything, then exhausted because I'm emotionally drained then bored of my own misery and I start things to distract then I get bored and tired and then I feel guilty. Vicious circle.