I don't have much of anything at the moment and I'm not even sure how to put it. I guess I feel like I am wading through deep water. There are times when I don't feel like this but they are shorter than the times that I do. I felt really shitty earlier this year, there were reasons for this (my ex was making my life hell and I had issues with my DD) but I managed to come out of it over the summer. However the last 2 weeks I can feel myself starting to wade through the water again. The children are being hard work but I don't know if that's because I have been feeling shit or whether they are the reason I feel shit. I often have months where I am fine and then I seem to slip back again - sometimes there is a valid reason and sometimes there isn't.
I feel empty like I am saying words and doing things but it isn't making sense to me. I feel like I am going through the motions, I am keeping on top of my house work, doing the practical things I need to do wit hthe kids, mostly keeping on top of work (although my motivation is severely lacking in that department). I just feel like I have been syringed of all my care and energy. I get on with things, tick them off my little to do list but I don't care if they are done well or not. Socially I am pretty shit. I really can't be arsed to make the effort but once I do, I feel better for it. I have to physically force myself out the house to see friends sometimes or take the kids out. When I am surrounded by people I feel like it doesn't matter whatI say because it's not really me anyway and I can't connect to what other people are saying. I find myself zoning out when people talk to me. My concentration is shit.
I feel as if I don't matter, that my life doesn't matter. I don't feel suicidal but could quite happily disappear for a bit. It doesn't take much to hurt my feelings either, I feel so sensitive to everything initially but then I feel like it doesn't matter because I don't matter. Then I want to go home with my children and curl up and get away from everything and everyone to get in that protective bubble away from things that can hurt us.
I hate asking for help - even practical help. I have no real support network. I use the excuse that my family lives across the other end of the country and my ex is inconsistent but really I have isolated myself. I had my children when I was young and everyone said I'd mess up so I guess a part of that has made me want to prove them wrong by doing it all by myself without asking for help. But even when people do offer I refuse, it's like I am purposefully alienating myself to get people away from me but then I get irrationally angry when they do actually get away! It makes no sense to me! I am scared that my children will grow up like me, pushing people away not able to ask for help. I am scared the way I am will effect them in the long run. My mother was quite similar to this, she isolated herself, never been social so maybe it's genetic!? I am a good mum, essentially anyway. They are fed well, homework is always done, they are clean and healthy and do after school activities but I find myself snapping at them sometimes. I feel like they are sometimes syringing me of my last ounce of energy, it's like they always want something from me and there are times I just want to shut down. Sometimes it gets too much and I am shit at keeping my emotions in when I get overloaded. The kids were being a handful tonight and I got really cross and shouted at them and then I felt so guilty I went downstairs and burst into tears. They heard me and now I feel like crap. I explained to them afterwards that mummy was just tired and sometimes it doesn't take much to make me feel sad but that I was sorry.
There's no middle ground with me. I either feel emotionally numb, like I'm not really here or else I fele so emotionally overwhelmed that I can't control myself. I feel quite lost at times and it's like I am waiting for something to happen. I don't know what that something is but I think that feeling can often make me feel anxious or panicky. I am still functioning so that counts for something right? I just feel like I have no real direction, no goal and that I am quite often useless at everything I try. Then if I am actually good at something I convince myself that I am actually rubbish. Am I just suffering from low self esteem?
I have been through several horrific things in the last 10 years including the suicide (in front of me) of my child's father and getting into a very unhealthy relationship on the rebound. Is that related? Do I just have issues that I haven't dealt with? i am very good at sticking my head in the sand and keep singing 'lalala' in my head and hoping it goes away quickly! I keep a journal recording my thoughts and emotions which helps, writing this down helped too. I don't know what's wrong with me or if there even is anything wrong with me. I'm tired of living but still want to live. I just want someone to do it for me for a while, you know?