What do you do when you can't cope?

[OhMyGolly]

I had basically a nervous breakdown after I had my ds1, it was terrible, there were many factors, pnd, bereavement blah blah.

All got sorted and we went on to have a ds2 (we have a dd aswell).

It was all good for the first 6 months, then the familiar pnd seemed to seep in. I have coped so far, the house has taken a dive since my youngest was 6 months old, however I have managed to be somewhat normal.

Now my ds2 is almost 2 and I feel I am in breakdown territory again, I have been to the GP and gotten Citalopram, I took it for ages and it made no difference, so I gave up.

My partner can't take time off work, he has already done so which adds to the anxiety, because we are skint beyond belief. I just want to walk out or give up, my children are terribly behaved, I mean really terrible. My youngest is clingy in the extreme, I can't do anything without him attached to me.

I can honestly say I want to jump in front of a train, I don't have the chutzpah to deal with this, I want to escape.

I have 1840 mg of Citalopram, sadly I don't think that would even kill me. How pathetic is that.

You could be me. And I don't know.
I do know we're not pathetic though.
My baby won't be put down longer than 10 minutes.
I am in a foreign country and feel very alone and anxious.
My older daughter hates me and told me to shut up and called me a bitch.
Husband away a lot.
Suffering from C.h.a.o.s - flat is a pigsty.
Am off to make tea and try and pack bag for school - 7.45 drop off with both kids.
Not competing with you - just wanted you to know I totally totally understand.

But - WE ARE NOT PATHETIC. Just struggling. Sending you a huge huge hug.
Am off to make myself a brew - please pm if you need to.
I go on here when breastfeeding - baby just dropped off now so am on a timer - and i come on here tbh for diversion/distraction/to count my own blessings.

But i read your post and, well, I could have written it.
Please don't do anything silly.
I keep telling myself it will all eventually pass. It's just the Now that's the problem.

Thanks for the reply mybrain. I am sat here knowing that I will have to do the school run in about 6 hours. I see you are preparing for it, well done you. Big hugs to you.

Honestly I am on the brink, have no clue if I will be able to do it in the morning. My childrens behaviour has been terrible lately, I'm sure it's my fault, I feel like ss will parachute in and take them away any minute, and I'm not sure I would object . I am out of control.

I'm not sure I'm going to say anything very useful but I wanted to say I care that you are having such a rough time at the moment. Please don't try to hurt yourself. I'll post this now and try and write a longer reply.

Do you have anyone friends/ family that can help? Could you talk to someone in the morning?
There's always the Samaritans if you need to talk to someone right now.

Please remember that no matter how your kids act and despite what they might say, YOU are their world and they do love you.

My mum had all kinds of difficulties and really couldn't cope and it was basically awful.
Just take tiny little babysteps. Hold on and take each five minutes at a time, even concentrate on just getting through the next minute.
There is nothing more terrifying for a kid than to see their parent out of control. They NEED you to hold on and be strong.
YOU CAN DO IT.
I know you can. Look at how far you have come already and everything you have got through.
Take five minutes, make yourself a drink, and keep going.
There are a lot of people here who care.

Oh, honey honey honey! It is so terrible, isn't it. I had PND after DS and I have never felt so awful and desperate in my life.

I had no energy, so the house was a terrible mess, and my energy was sapped even more so I couldn't clean it. And I didn't want anyone to come over and help me because I didn't want them to see the state of things.

Do you get out much, like to a toddler group or anything?

I'm trying to think of the things that helped me...a steady routine and as much sleep as I could get for one thing. Lots of walks with DS in the pram. I prayed a lot which might not be a help to you, but I think just meditation or quiet time helps if you aren't a God person.

I'm so sorry, I feel like everything I'm saying is utter crap. Just know that you are NOT pathetic, you are just having a rough patch. I wish you lived close to me, I would be over to give you a hand in a heartbeat. :(

I get the running away thing too...I was having a bit of a bad day today and I thought for a minute "I just want to run away to an island and drink wine and swim all day!" That was my first thought, don't know why!

Did the GP have any other suggestions? How are you sleeping, sweetie?

I was late with the school run and I could see the staff giving me sideways glances (I looked like shit). I really am just fucking up my kids, I never stay at the stay and play/read sessions (I can't cope with that many people/children).

I am just failing at every turn atm, I think I might need to change meds, my dr is crap though. He went from changing meds every 5 minutes when I had pnd,to seeming to be blase and not giving a shit this time. I have no idea what to expect of him.

Thankyou for all of your replies btw.

What do you need, honey? What would make you feel better?

Sometimes just identifying the first right thing to do is unbelievably helpful; just making one tiny change.

Can you see a different dr?

And the staff can go f$ck themselves, excuse my language. Like they've never had a rough patch. Don't pay them any mind.