Struggling to cope with newborn, weight, and life.

[Yuraye]

I am eighteen years old. I love my daughter, she was born on the 6th of August and I tell her I love her everyday. She's beautiful, and gives me comfort, hope, and a warmth that I've never experienced before.

But the bottom line is, I'm tired. Not just physically, but mentally. Don't get me wrong, I am not fed up of looking after my little girl and never will be, it's just I can't keep on top of everything.

DP's usual hours including travelling time are 6:30am to 5:30pm, but now he is doing overtime he leaves at 5:45am and gets back at 7:30pm. I can't argue, we need the money and he doesn't get paid much. But I'm extremely lonely, due to being shy and antisocial outside of the internet/my home I don't really have any friends - not in my area or even close to it I mean. I love my DP so much I miss him every second of the day.

To top it off I'm getting extremely depressed because of my size, I was a size 10/12 when I got pregnant and am now a size 20. I am disgusted at the thought or sight of myself and am desperate to lose weight. But being someone who has suffered from an eating disorder, all the 'eat healthy and try a little exercise' plans I get advised on just aren't quick enough! I am agoraphobic and don't want to go outside, especially when I'm this size, but end up forcing myself to go anyway for my daughter's sake. I feel like I cannot enjoy my life if do not lose this weight. What's even worse is that I am engaged, and myself and DP hope to be married within a couple of years... If I hadn't lost the weight by then I would most likely put it off. I am terrible, and I feel guilty for opening up like this. But I feel as if no one can help me.

I'm struggling to keep up with all of the housework. I am aware that due to DP's hours he is in no fit state to help me, but doing housework day in day out is making me want to tear my hair out. If the housework doesn't get done everyday somehow the place becomes a bloody bombsite again! To be honest even if DP did my most hated chore - the washing up - everyday, I would be immensely grateful.

On top of that with the health visitors hovering over my shoulder to weigh her pretty much every week (despite her thriving, their words, not mine) it adds to my growing anxiety that I'm not being a good mother. I don't trust health professionals (very bad time in hospital) and probably won't for a long time.

What on earth do I do? My anxiety disorder is worsening and so is my depression.

You need to talk to someone. Do you feel able to talk to your GP?
I think you need to figure out a plan for yourself. Size 20 really isn't that big post pregnancy and I think you should decide to tackle your baby weight after you've started to make progress in other areas.

1. Don't feel guilty for opening up and especially not for finding it tough. I had LOADS of support and found it hard going at times after DD was born - i have no idea how I'd be able to hold it together in your situation. I'm still doing less than the minimum housework at 8 months.

Prioritise the housework - some stuff really can wait. You do need to get your head around going out - for your daughter, for you to meet people, and to get some activity in (which will ultimately help the weight loss). Can you find a baby group you could go to? I'm naturally v shy and hate meeting people, but found that I really open up at baby groups. And if you don't feel able to talk to other mums you can just talk to your baby. I found that doing a bit more with my day than just sitting at home really helped to perk me up. Hopefully someone else with something more constructive will be along soon, but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

I really sympathise with you especially on the weight front. I had similar measurements to yourself and was so down about it. It is hard for people to say forget about your weight and that it will come off and I do understand how it can make looking after a baby even tougher when you are not happy with yourself. I would suggest trying a low carb diet Atkins or Dukan. If you follow it properly you will lose weight quickly and that will help your motivation.

It is hard to be chirpy at baby groups too when you are feeling down. I still struggle with this. I would give one a try just to see and try to speak to just 1 person, maybe someone else on their own. You don't need to meet a whole bunch of new people at once. Continue talking online too as that is better than nothing! A lot of mums do feel very similar even if at first it doesn't appear so.

Would a hobby cheer you up a bit maybe sewing or something? That would make you feel like you have achieved something apart from looking after a baby.

The other idea I had is to ask your HV whether she knows any other mums in your area that she could put you in touch with? I know some HV do this if they are particularly nice (I doubt mine would even recognise me!).

Hello just wanted to offer some support, having a baby is such a shock to the system! Don't be too hard on yourself, is there a childrens centre or sure start centre that you would feel able to go to? They might do some baby groups like baby massage which are very much focused on the baby and you wouldn't have to talk to anyone unless you wanted to!

You might find having some sort of exercise plan might help not just with the weight but with the anxiety as well. Even just going out for a walk with your dd in the pram every day.

Is your dd in much of a routine? As I found it helped me feel much more on top of everything and gave me a break during the day when she had a nap. Really don't worry about housework too much though as your dd is still very little and no one would expect you to keep your house really tidy!!

Congratulations on your DD! You have taken the first step in making changes...seeking help. Have a chat with your GP or another HV. The feelings of being overwhelmed..I know I felt the same after having my DS...is perfectly normal. As these lovely ladies have advised....prioritise the housework..what doesn't get done one day..will be done the next. Even writing it down so you have a daily structured routine. Same can be said about weight loss. Make time for even a brief walk round the block with your DD in her pram.
I wish I could offer more help.

Hello everyone, sorry I haven't gotten back to you all sooner, it's been a hectic week.

I don't really trust health professionals, I had an incident during my pregnancy and of course my terrible experience in hospital that has made me lose faith in them. I realised that anything I say will or could be told to someone else, and when I confide in someone, I want it to stay that way. I know that may be expecting too much considering some people out there are actually harming themselves or their children, therefore that is why nothing is absolutely confidential.

I do have hobbies. I enjoy playing games, I have played them since I was a little girl and it gives me a great sense of relaxation. However, it's not reality, and apart from 'Great score!' or 'Good gameplay!' nothing comes from it, certainly not something physical. Apart from that I enjoy singing, anything related to music - I am considering going back to playing the violin, and watching shows in Japanese.

Rogers1, that's a very good piece of advice. 'What doesn't get done one day, will get done the next'. I'll bear that in mind next time I put off housework!

I think it's also a case of just going from a lifestyle of knowing how to do the housework, but either being too lazy to do it or during my pregnancy - being too big to do it - to a lifestyle of doing absolutely everything, not just for myself, but for another adult as well! Keeping on top of the washing up is my main priority I think, I hate that chore more than anything on this planet, but it doesn't look like DP will help me so I will have to do it myself.

My DD is in a routine yes. During the night she is very good, she sleeps from 8pm to 8am-ish with two feeds, and settles down without fussing. Of course this means that during the day she likes to fuss a lot!

There are a few children centres around here, but only one I know the location of. It's a bit of a trek but easy enough to do. There are a lot of young mothers in my area so perhaps there is a group for young mums I can join. Not that it matters much, I'm happy to talk to any mum regardless of age, we're all in the same boat after all! :)

It's amazing how a baby opens the door to conversations with complete strangers. I've never made friends as quickly in my adult life. Getting out will really make a difference to you.
If you want to chat to someone in complete confidence, maybe you could call one of the telephone helplines? I'm sure that's what they're there for. There are baby ones, which would be useful for advice, but also general ones like the Samaritans. Sometimes it just helps to be able to say it all out loud.
Good luck. You sound like you're doing a lot better than you realize looking after your little girl.